ChelleArt.net

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Surrender

I haven’t allowed myself to sit with my thoughts since I told him the truth. It all seemed so long ago, but only a few weeks have passed. The ground is still stable below my feet. No cracks are visible, so I assume that my world is not breaking.

A part of me, ok all of me, believed that this news, out in the open, would somehow shatter my reality. It hasn’t done that at all. It’s as in tact as it has ever been, perhaps even stronger, as though truth acted as a coat of silver protective lining for my fragile little world.

October 5. Attempt #1

We were talking about my datesaster with my ex H. I was explaining to Yulian that I couldn’t maintain a friendship with my ex, since he still had feelings for me. His “I told you so” pierced me. In the back of my head, I was analyzing why he was so against me developing a relationship with H. Did he fear that if that happened, I would lose interest and attention in him? Did he fear that I would get back together with H, and thus dissolve any hopes of us being together? My heart was racing with my mind.

It took me a moment to snap back into the reality of our conversation, at which point I theorized it was a perfect opportunity to tell him everything. Well, not EVERYTHING, just the important thing in the “EVERYTHING”… that I was, undoubtedly, falling for him.

We were sitting across from one another in the office. He was casually leaning back against the chair, and I was stiff and uncomfortable in mine. The desk stood between us, cluttered with lots of distracting objects like her laptop, envelopes, post it notes, and a cup of pens. I started fiddling with a pen, twirling it around my thumb.

Paraphrased:

Y: “I told you so. You can’t have a relationship with an ex.”
Me: “Well, I thought we could be mature about it and stay friends, but he didn’t want to stay friends.”
Y: “No, it doesn’t work. There’s a reason why you two aren’t together anymore.”
Me: “Yeah, I guess you’re right. Besides, it wouldn’t be fair to him if I stayed friends with him. I would be inadvertently leading him on, and he may get the wrong idea. I don’t want to hurt him.”
Me to self: Say it. Say it. Say it.

The pen fell on the desk, making that sharp noise only plastic makes when hitting an object, like a slap. Someone asked to buy an energy drink, and I took that as my cue to get up and start warming up with a short walk on the treadmill.

Yulian stood next to me, leaning against the Stairmaster.

Me: “If you had to tell someone something. But it would change everything. Would you?”
Y: “It depends. Is it life changing?”
A quizzical look is exchanged between the two of us. I can’t tell if that was serious or playful.
Me: “You’re not listening… I’m saying it would change everything.”
His eyes become silent.
Y: “Just follow your heart, Michelle.”

In a movie, that would have been the opportune time to tell him. I would have said, “Ok, I will follow my heart, and it leads to you.” But life is not a movie.

After he said the shit about following my heart, I just gave him a “Yeah OK” look, increased the speed on the treadmill, and started chasing pavement.

I’m sure it wasn’t awkward.

Attempt #2 to come.

Monday, September 29, 2008

I’m a starfish

I’m getting a tattoo at the end of the month: a tiny little starfish, or two, on my inner right ankle. My love for starfish began after watching that movie Aquamarine, in which the starfish she wore as earrings whispered sweet nothings in her ear. So initially, the love began in the realm of vanity, but after doing some research, I was surprised to find how the symbolism behind the starfish is so closely aligned to the currents of my heart.

WikiAnswers explains:

The Starfish has been used to represent the Virgin Mary (Stella Maris which means Star of the Sea) who creates safe travel over troubled waters and is also seen as an emblem of salvation during trying times. The Starfish can also be seen as a celestial symbol and as such, represents infinite divine love. In addition to love, the Starfish also holds characteristics such as guidance, vigilance, inspiration, brilliance and intuition. To see a starfish in your dream, suggests a period of healing and regeneration. Alternatively, it may indicate that you have many options to weigh and decisions to make.

I keep telling myself that I want to heal from this, but I don’t think I’m actually broken… yet. Right now, I am riding the wave. There are some days when I do feel like I’m drowning, choking from my own fears and my own desires, but I haven’t drowned. I don’t need to heal right now.

The big decision is whether I’m going to allow myself to get to the point where I’ll have to heal. I think I’m on that line, occasionally stepping in and out as if playing a game of hokey pokey. Except it’s not my right arm or my left arm that’s getting tossed in and out this circle of love, it’s my heart.

The tattoo is a precaution. It’s my bomb shelter. I have to prepare myself for the moment when my heart will break. I guess it means that I have made up my mind. It is not a matter of whether or not I will cross over to love him wholly, but a matter of when. The starfish will remind me that when that day comes, I will heal from the pain of all the thrashing waves and have the ability to regenerate my heart.

Days like today. Days like today remind me of how beautiful and cruel the world can be. Days like today fill my heart to the brim, but also crack the bottom of the glass.

I had such a beautiful morning with him. We talk about everything… ourselves, our desires, the world, politics, our goals, love, people. It is so easy to be with him. It is so easy to laugh and smile around him. All the pretenses are gone, the anxiety, the insecurities. Whenever I’m with him, I feel as though I am floating on my back in the middle of the ocean, with the blue sky above me and the blue water below me, buoyant, able to float freely forever and ever. It’s a refreshing kind of freedom, almost overwhelming, to find someone you can be so free with, so open, and so… yourself.

Today, the topic at hand was goals. We kept going back to it. We were discussing, of course, my workout/health goals, but I speak in double entendres. My words and his words mean more than what is being said. He drew a diagram on a yellow post-it note: a circular target in the center, then a tangent. An arrow pointed to the tangent, and he explained that my method of attacking the goal at only one angle would not work. Then he drew arrows coming at all sides of the target, associating each arrow with a different workout strategy. I grabbed the pencil from him, flipped it over, and erased the target.

I said, “I don’t know what my target is. I don’t have the motivation I once had, because my target doesn’t exist anymore. It isn’t clear.”

“Why did you ruin my art?”

Stalemate. Eyes locked. He knows. I continue to speak in code.

He attempted to re-visualize another solution to the problem by making an analogy to war and combat. He drew two rectangular armies in battle, one army held strong by a smaller rectangle representing the king. He depicted the other army’s strategy by drawing another small rectangle next to a series of connecting “u”’s (as mountains) representing the platoon on horses that would ambush the king, by going around the mountain instead of straight into battle.

I told him he didn’t get it, and besides I’m anti-war. I’m not a fighter.

“So you’re a lover.”

“No.”

“Just get on the horse and ride it.” I blushed.

“What about a pony instead?”

The conversation evolved into a discussion about people and their innate “human” desires, stemming from our talk about Che Guevara and Colombian guerillas. He said that in the beginning, the mission may have been to overthrow a corrupt government, but it got out of hand when they wanted more… more power, more money.

I responded that it’s only human for people to want more. Desires, goals, are not inherently evil. They can push us beyond our potential. Without the desire to want more, people wouldn’t work, wouldn’t be motivated… I wonder if a desire to live would even exist if everyone were simply… satisfied.

He takes the post-it note and redraws the target. “If that’s the case, then your goal is clear.”

I take the pencil and draw three additional tangents to the circle, forming a square around it, blocking all the arrows. I tell him that is my life right now. There may be other forms of attack, but I’m locked out. My goal may be clear, but there’s no way to get to it.

I couldn't look at him in the eye anymore. I put the pencil down, got up, and ran four miles on the treadmill.

Labels: working out

Friday, August 29, 2008

Words that move me

Wisdom begins in wonder.
- Socrates

We grow small trying to be great.
- David Hockney

I am an artist... I am here to live out loud.
- Emile Zola

The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.
- Socrates

I love to think of nature as an unlimited broadcasting station, through which God speaks to us every hour, if we will only tune in.
- George Washington Carver

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
- Bill Cosby

To the timid soul, nothing is possible.
- John Bach

You can’t be afraid of stepping on toes if you want to go dancing.
- Lewis Freedman

An essential aspect of creativity is not being afraid to fail.
- Dr. Edwin Land

To live a creative life, we must lose our fear of being wrong.
- Joseph Chilton Pearce

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
- Marianne Williamson

It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees!
- Emiliano Zapata

The greatest pleasure of life is love.
- Euripedes

The love we give away is the only love we keep.
- Elbert Hubbard

To the artist there is never anything ugly in nature.
- August Rodin

Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.
- Scott Adams

We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.
- Anais Nin

Cinema should make you forget you are sitting in a theater.
- Roman Polanski

Only the educated are free.
- Epicetetus

The days you work are the best days.
- Georgia O'Keeffe

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
- Jay Leno

To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead.
- Bertrand Russell

Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.
- Russell Baker

If you want to be loved, be lovable.
- Ovid

It is human nature to think wisely and act in an absurd fashion.
- Anatole France

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
- Edward Bulwer-Lyton

One eye sees, the other feels.
- Paul Klee

Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get.
- Dale Carnegie

The more articulate one is, the more dangerous words become.
- May Sarton

On the other hand, you have different fingers.
- Steven Wright

We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person.
- W. Somerset Maugham

Looking back, I have this to regret, that too often when I loved, I did not say so.
- David Grayson

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
- Margaret Mead

Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one.
- Malcolm Forbes

Art is either plagiarism or revolution.
- Paul Gauguin

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.
- W. C. Fields

By its very nature the beautiful is isolated from everything else. From beauty no road leads to reality.
- Hannah Arendt

Life is short, the art long.
- Hippocrates

All really great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest road to actual seduction.
- Marya Mannes

If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.
- Anatole France

Fate loves the fearless.
- James Russell Lowell

Art enables us to find ourselves and lose ourselves at the same time.
- Thomas Merton

Adapt or perish, now as ever, is nature's inexorable imperative.
- H. G. Wells

There is nothing in a caterpillar that tells you it's going to be a butterfly.
- R. Buckminster Fuller

Those who do not want to imitate anything, produce nothing.
- Salvador Dali

Reality leaves a lot to the imagination.
- John Lennon

Nothing will work unless you do.
- Maya Angelou

Art is the objectification of feeling.
- Herman Melville

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
- Will Rogers

Miracles are not contrary to nature, but only contrary to what we know about nature.
- Saint Augustine

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.
- Laurence J. Peter

Rough diamonds may sometimes be mistaken for worthless pebbles.
- Thomas Browne

The supernatural is the natural not yet understood.
- Elbert Hubbard

The harder I work, the luckier I get.
- Samuel Goldwyn

To make us feel small in the right way is a function of art; men can only make us feel small in the wrong way.
- E. M. Forster

The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.
- H.L. Mencken

A baby is born with a need to be loved - and never outgrows it.
- Frank A. Clark

More than kisses, letters mingle souls.
- John Donne

A good garden may have some weeds.
- Thomas Fuller

The more you know the less you need to say.
- Jim Rohn

All nature is but art unknown to thee.
- Alexander Pope

Some books leave us free and some books make us free.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave.
- Mohandas Gandhi

You must do the things you think you cannot do.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

The art of writing is the art of discovering what you believe.
- Gustave Flaubert

How beautifully leaves grow old. How full of light and color are their last days.
- George Burns

The harder I work, the luckier I get.
- Samuel Goldwyn

I do not seek. I find.
- Pablo Picasso

There are no facts, only interpretations.
- Friedrich Nietzsche

Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.
- Ambrose Bierce

The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.
- Henry David Thoreau

The wisdom of the wise and the experience of the ages are perpetuated by quotations.
- Benjamin Disraeli

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
- Robert Frost

Nature does nothing uselessly.
- Aristotle

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
- Mark Twain

Love looks through a telescope; envy, through a microscope.
- Josh Billings

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
- Lily Tomlin

To send light into the darkness of men's hearts - such is the duty of the artist.
- Robert Schumann

Peace begins with a smile.
- Mother Teresa

Kites rise highest against the wind - not with it.
- Winston Churchill

Absence sharpens love, presence strengthens it.
- Benjamin Franklin

Without tradition, art is a flock of sheep without a shepherd. Without innovation, it is a corpse.
- Winston Churchill

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.
- Winston Churchill

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.
- Oscar Wilde

Poetry is the art of uniting pleasure with truth.
- Samuel Johnson

To love one that is great, is almost to be great one's self.
- Samuel Johnson

The greatness of a nation can be judged by the way its animals are treated.
- Mohandas Gandhi

Except our own thoughts, there is nothing absolutely in our power.
- Rene Descartes

At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, it's usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them. The people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need.
- Meredith from Grey's Anatomy

Fate loves the fearless.
- James Russell Lowell

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

If something we didn't know we had disappears, do we miss it?
- Meredith from Grey's Anatomy

Thursday, August 28, 2008

23, My Divine Number

My wedding was on Saturday, August 23, 2008. I didn’t pick the date myself, and for that reason, I truly believe that the Fates are weaving a pattern for me. I was born on the 23^rd. I graduated within the top ten percent, as the 23^rd, in my class. And now, my anniversary date is the 23^rd. It’s some kind of divine number in my life. I only hope I won’t end up having 23 children. That would not be very divine.

The limited friends to whom I have shown pictures have all told me I was beautiful. I smiled, gave my standard “Aww thanks,” and allowed a tear to fall into a crevice in my heart. I wish he loved me as much as I loved him. I wish the vows of acceptance he took, that came out of his mouth, were the truth, and actually meant something to him.

As the official spoke, more like ranted about the salvation God brings you when you get married, Yulian inched closer and closer to where I stood, so I could feel the softness of his tuxedo against my cold bare arm. My heart was already pounding inside me, and this slight change in his position, in his body, made it beat even faster. And if that couldn’t get any worse, as the energy flowed smoothly between his body and mine, standing side by side together, waiting to say “I do,” I thought time had stood still. I thought I had died. My heart stopped beating. And before I even snapped out of the vision to realize what had just happened, we were married. I never said I do. He said “I accept” a total of four times in Spanish. So technically, because I never officially stated the words, I was not committing blasphemy. My name, after all, may still be on the VIP list at heaven’s gate.

When I first told my friends about my plans, they all looked at me as though I had lost my mind. And maybe I had, but I had theorized a perfectly logical rationale to my decision, that I had them all fooled. Well maybe not fooled, but at least I had them quiet. I couldn’t deal with any more voices telling me to go this way or that. I already had all those voices inside my head. The party was starting to get a little too out of hand.

So my rationale, in 23 points:

Good deeds don’t go unnoticed – I’m hoping that because I’m doing a good deed, God may just ignore the fact that we’re making a slight mockery out of the sanctity of marriage.
Princess for a day – Who wouldn’t jump at the chance of being the center of attention for one perfect day! I’m definitely in need of an ego boost.
Photo shoot – Everyone already knows I’m a camera whore. Ofcourse I would be enjoying being the subject of the lens.
A new dress – I love dresses. And I don’t have one in white yet. It’s a piece added to the collection in my closet.
Party! – A wedding is a reason to celebrate! I’m always up to party!
His cooking – I would finally get to taste his cooking skills. I think there’s something very sensual in eating food that’s been made for you by a lover. I was definitely looking forward to experience that and wasn’t the least bit disappointed.
Rings – I have two beautiful rings on my finger. It’s probably a bad thing considering I’m the only one who’s placing any real, emotional, and symbolic value to them, but I do wear the rings to sleep. Since I can’t wear it during the day, I figured I could at least be married as I dream.
His smile – When I told him what I wanted to do for him, the smile on his face absolutely and completely filled up my heart. I don’t think that’s something I would ever want to take away.
Her happiness – This is as much a gift to him, as it is to his sister Karily. She has become one of my best and closest friends. I don’t think I’d be able to face having my brother out of my life, and I wouldn’t want her to face the loss of hers either.
His happiness – I know I’m sacrificing myself by doing this, but I care about him so much, to the point where I would do anything to keep him happy (even though that happiness won’t be shared with me, even though I’m technically helping them stay together).
Being in his arms – Even if it’s just for a day.
Looking into his eyes – Even if it’s just for a day.
Pretending he’s in love too – Even if it’s just for a day.
It feels right – Throughout this whole thing, I never felt any kind of fear or doubt that I was doing the wrong thing. I did feel fear and doubt about how I would recover emotionally, but in terms of the bigger picture, it felt right. In my heart, it is right.
My acting debut – All the world’s a stage, and all the men are players. I always knew I was an inner thespian. Mrs. Perl, in 8^th grade, was the first person to recognize those talents. Props.
The kiss – Our lips would touch.
The anticipated kiss - #16 is sort of negated, because I think I enjoyed the anticipation much more. We didn’t even kiss, but our lips were millimeters apart from one another. That distance, that tension, is priceless. If ever, if one bright beautiful day, we ever get the chance to kiss, I’m glad it’ll be our first one. :)
Holding on – I can’t imagine my life without him in it. When I told my brother, the first thing he said was “Why can’t you just let him go.” I realized that I’d rather have him in my life as a friend, than have him be miles and miles apart from me.
Martyrdom – Everybody dreams of becoming Joan of Arc at least once in their lives. Here’s my chance.
Sadomasochism – I love to torture myself. Always have. Always will.
Good material – I have no doubt that this will turn into a best selling novel once I’m done writing it.
My heart – One of my counter arguments was that if I didn’t offer myself this way, then they would break up, and that would mean he’d be single, and I’d have a chance – slight as that chance may be, since he’d be miles and miles away. Being conscious of this reasoning made me feel so guilty. I would never want to wish anyone heartache, especially not him, not even her.
Hope – I am an eternal romantic. I am trying to be realistic about the whole thing, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wish, didn’t hope, that I could get the “happy ending.” I’d be lying if I said I didn’t dream that we would end up together in the end, in the future.

Labels: working out

Thursday, August 21, 2008

this little twisted fantasy

I didn’t want my want for him to consume me, but it already has. The agony and the pleasure drop like hard rain right in the heart of the storm, and I am unable to tell the difference between the sky and ground, heaven and earth, love and lust. I am a masochist of love. I enjoy the pain of heartbreaks. I revel in its ache, because it means I am past the point of disappointment. Sometimes I wonder if it could get worse than this. Sometimes I wonder why I even dare to wonder, when I know it will get worse than this. And it has. I have lost my mind. I am going to marry him. Really. Literally.

I wish I could say that we were jumping into this marriage as love-fools! That would be good news, in comparison to the circumstance. Well, the statement carries a half truth. I am jumping into this marriage as a love-fool. I don’t think I need to elaborate on those details. He does not love me the way I wish he did; that is a matter of fact.

The bewildered look on your faces is something I can easily imagine: furrowed eyebrows, creases on the forehead, and of course, a cock of your head to the left, or right, depending on where gravity takes you.

This is all some kind of twisted fantasy. I waited for someone to snap me out of it. They have all tried, but I am still dazed. This must be what drunkenness feels like: a subtle consciousness of what is happening to and around you, but a complete and utter inability to take any action or hold any control over yourself or the situation. I am drunk. It does not feel good. I am not looking forward to the hangover either.

Labels: working out

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

The Tragicomedy

I am in my books, in my head at the present moment. It is easier to be in those pages, than to be living outside of them right now. My heart aches – a superficial heartache, really. It’s not as if we had anything substantial. It aches because I doubt we will have anything substantial at all. The various voices that cautioned me are whispering a soft “I told you so” in my ear, and yet I still attempt to drown them out, refusing to listen, refusing to gain any perspective whatsoever.

I have come to realize that this is the story of my life… this scenario of unrequited love. This is what destiny has in store for me. I am still torn as to whether I should embrace this fate or rebel against it. But how can one even rebel against one’s own destiny? Won’t one’s actions eventually lead him to that fate? The rebellion acting only as a guise, an intermission to the true act.

Forbidden love. Lately, this has been the topic of choice. Mostly because of Stephenie Meyer’s novels Twilight, New Moon, and Eclipse. The heroine Bella falls in love with a vampire. The lamb falls in love with the lion. Now, my love story, is nowhere near as dramatic, as dangerous, or as mythical, unless you count the events of my imagination, but it certainly is forbidden. We do love what we cannot have. And the more we deny it, the more we restrict ourselves, the more we yearn and desire. It is only natural to want what’s beyond our grasp, as if it is a challenge to ourselves - a method of measuring our own worth.

I have been struggling with my integrity. I refuse to be the “other woman,” but that is a lie. A large part of me would jump at the opportunity to be with him, in any way. Does that make me a bad person? Does that make me desperate? Does that make me less than what I’m worth.

I know I deserve to be with someone who wants me as much as I want him, but I can’t seem to rationalize. I keep telling myself I can handle the pain, if it comes to that… more like, WHEN it comes to that. Wouldn’t the smarter thing be to let go before the threshold of pain even appears? My brain is saying “duh,” but my heart is saying “no.” True love means suffering. It’s like working out. No pain no gain.

The romances we read in high school are beginning to look a lot more deceiving at this stage in my life. Being a romantic does not mean all hearts and flowers anymore, but rather all heartaches and wilting flowers. Romance is tragedy. I’d rather get my hands on a comedy.

I can probably transform this into one. That would be easy. Comedy is cliché. I have fallen in love with my personal trainer. How much more cliché can that get? That is the queen of all that is predictable. But I am an inherently fatalistic thinker. I look for the ending, the conclusion, so this comedy will be dark, a tragicomedy.

I haven’t been to the gym in the past two days. This is going to be day three. Tomorrow, day four. Is it obvious that I am avoiding him? I feel slighted. I had given him a meaningfully meaningless present last week. His girlfriend asked why he would be getting presents from me, so naturally, he gave it to his younger sister, to demonstrate that the present means nothing to him. I am avoiding him. He will see it in my eyes, the lost luster. I do not want to give myself away, more than I already have. So I am taking solace in books and stories.

And I thought it would be a safe haven, but the funny thing is HE has a part in all of them: a name, a manner, an action. There is no running away this time. I am bound. “[His] hold on me is permanent and unbreakable.”

Labels: working out

Sunday, June 22, 2008

The Y Paradox

I am staring at a blank page trying to figure out how to put him into words, or more accurately, how I'm going to put my feelings for him into words.

I never expected to feel this way. I never expected for any of this to happen. I keep wondering if I deserve more than this. It's not that he's mistreating me. I think I'm mistreating myself, by allowing myself to fall in love with someone who is beyond reach. He's the right person, and yet, he's also the wrong person. What is that? Irony? Paradox. He is both.

I weave my own web. The very fact that he's a flirt does not rid me of my duty to respect him and his girlfriend. I should not gloat from the attention he gives me. I am better than that, but I am as weak as they come. Another paradox.

On Friday night, we all went out dancing at Club CocoBongo in Elizabeth. Me, him, his sister, their cousins, and ofcourse his girlfriend. I still had to train with him for a few hours before we went out, and that time with him only aggravated my feelings for him. I don't know what was going through my mind. I was looking forward to going out with him to a club. I knew that I probably wouldn't dance with him. That was a fact. But I wanted to be part of his life outside the treadmills and the weights.

At first, I thought it wasn't going to happen. K called me and said the girls didn't want to go anymore. I had just gotten home from the gym and gotten out of the shower. 10 minutes later, she called back and told me to be ready by 11.
I rang the doorbell. My heart was beating like crazy when I heard him running down the stairs saying "I'm coming." He opened the door.

"Wow." First words out of his mouth. "You look really good."

I blushed, "Thank you."

He steps back to let me in and puts his hands on his waist. "So, this is the real me. Meet Y. You like?"

I wanted to say that I liked the Y at the gym. I wanted to say ofcourse I liked. I wanted to say a whole lot of other inappropriate things.

But all I said was that I only knew the Y I met at the gym, but that this was an improvement. I smiled and ran upstairs to join the rest of the girls. His girlfriend wasn't up there. She was most likely getting ready in his room. I was so glad that I didn't have to face her yet.

Everyone was getting ready in K's sister's room and I was sitting on the bed, practicing my Spanish with G. "Tu (umm) hair... es bonita." Y came into the room and asked me how my leg was doing. Earlier that night during training, he diagnosed me with shin splints. I started feeling the pain since Monday, but didn't say anything since I thought I was simply sore from the workout. Well, when I limped over to him, I got yelled at for not telling him sooner, because I could potentially get a fracture.

I told him I was fine, pointing my toes, explaining that I could even rock heels. Then he gave me THAT look, the half smirk, half raised eyebrows, half you're cute, half you're dumb LOOK. He got down on one knee. My heart skipped a beat. He started rolling up my jeans. I protested, "Y, what are you doing?!" I was afraid everyone could see my emotions straight away if he touched me, but he ignored my protests and started pressing down on my leg and massaging it.

This was not good. I didn't want him to stop, but I didn't want his girlfriend to walk in with him giving my leg a rubdown. Honestly, who does that? Perhaps it was an entirely innocent act for him. That's where boys are oblivious to rules of borders. That was crossing the line. We weren't at the gym. If we were, it would have been an entirely different story.

I'm pretty sure K's friend, who was sitting next to me, also thought Y's actions pretty strange and suspicious. I finally shook him off after a few minutes, and he only stopped with my promise that I would ice my leg in the car on the way to the club.

When G commented that I was losing weight, Y ofcourse took all the credit for it and called me his protege. I am so love with him.

We were finally on our way. I ended up sitting next to his girlfriend, but I stayed my sweet, friendly, charming Michelle self. The car ride was fun, UNTIL I saw Y reach back and hold his girlfriend's hand for a minute. I looked out the window. It happened twice. I felt myself closing in. I felt myself beginning to hyperventilate. What the hell was I doing? What was I thinking? How could I even think that I could handle witnessing them actually BE TOGETHER?

I vowed that this was going to be the last time. I would make it through the night. I just needed to breathe and ignore them.

We got to club. K's cousins passed around shots of aguardiente poured from 1 liter Aquafina bottles. I was ready to get wasted. After only 1 shot, I felt the alcohol surging through me. I was ready to get loose. I was in the zone. This club was exactly what I needed. It was crazy. In the middle of the dance floor, there was this bubble maker machine hanging from the ceiling... so people basically got soaked/soaped.

We started out on the outskirts of the dance floor, but everyone decided to move into the middle. I was following K, and Y was behind me followed by E, his gf. We started dancing. Our shoulders rubbed against one another. Our fingers grazed together. He was dancing closer and closer to me. I was moving further away. E got in front of him, dancing in between us. When E gave him some room on the dance floor, he would be right back next to me. This was the formula for the rest of the night.

I think I only looked at him maybe once or twice all night. I couldn't handle it, so I avoided it. I danced with a guy. But I knew exactly what I was doing. I saw him watching me. I wasn't going to allow him to ruin my night, but I knew that I was playing hard to get.

At one point, we were all in a circle, jumping up and down. E was standing next to me, so we were holding on to each other. Then Y moved her out of the way, and the two of us ended up holding hands instead. Every touch from him makes my heart beat uncontrollably. I thought I was going to pass out.

But I guess that's all I get. I don't get the whole thing. I get the small moments. The accidents. The leftovers? And I don't think I want that. But at the same time, I can't seem to get enough of it. That is the Y Paradox.

Labels: working out

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Can you gain heart weight?

We’ve only been training together for 22 days, but I am falling in love with him. My overactive imagination has already presented various scenes of us as a couple, making dinner together, with him chastising me about the glob of butter I’m about to drop into the pan, and me not giving a damn, telling him that dishes need butter the way we need one another.

I’m imagining that I’m in a relationship with him. When we train in the early morning (6am) before work, I pretend that we’re working out as a couple.

This is not good. This is not healthy. This is a form of self torture. I really am a masochist.

I keep reminding myself that he has a girlfriend. That he’s been with her since November. But I’m human… and inherently selfish. So I continue to pretend that she doesn’t exist, that she’s not in the picture. I don’t want her presence to enter my time with him. If I recall her, then I would feel so wrong for feeling the way I feel. She existed only in the periphery, as a figment of the imagination, a ghost, intangible – until Monday.

Monday morning, I carpooled to work with his sister. It was her turn to drive, so I just relaxed in the passenger seat, wishing it were still the weekend, dreading the work waiting for me at my desk. She didn’t know about how I felt about her brother. I was afraid that it would somehow alter our friendship, so when she started talking about him in the car, beads of sweat started to form on my forehead. She told me that Y was telling her that he was really proud of me, because I was taking it really seriously, and because I ran on the treadmill for 20 min straight without taking a walking break. So that definitely put a smile on my face. I was safe. She didn’t speculate a thing.

Then she said, “You two are spending a lot of time together. What if you fall in love? You would be in my family!”

My heart stopped. I shifted my weight on the seat, and in a shaky voice, I told her “No, that’s not going to happen. He has a girlfriend.” She knew.

I didn’t know how to navigate how I felt about this. Should I have been anxious that she somehow discovered the secret I’ve been keeping for the past two weeks, or should I smile at the fact that she sounded pretty happy about me being a part of her family?

I decided I was a little bit of both, and spent the rest of the day walking around on cloud 9. I was untouchable. I was in love.

When I got to the gym that afternoon, I felt like I could run 10 miles on the treadmill, until I actually ran 2.25 miles and thought I was going to pass out. I flirted shamelessly. I laughed, batted my lashes, smiled when I saw him smile at something I said or did. This could actually be something.

But the apparition appeared. The gym was already closed. I just finished lifting weights, when she walked through the door. My heart dropped. So this was her, no longer in the periphery, materializing in front of me.

I introduced myself to her and Y introduced her as his girlfriend, leaned over to give her a kiss, and told me that they talked about me all the time.

I think I went deaf when he kissed her. Space was closing in on me. I needed to get out of there. I stayed friendly and charming, but I think my body language revealed how uncomfortable I was. He was still talking to me as I made my way to the door. That night, I had four delirious scoops of ube ice cream.

I wish I never met her. Her existence in the outskirts of my mind were working out for me. I was able to enjoy my time with him without guilt. But now, she’s real to me. The fact that he’s taken is real. The fact that I could potentially be destroying something is realer than real.

I was advised to treat this as an impossibility. It’s proving to be a difficult task. Probably because I’m not executing it whole heartedly. Maybe I’ll snap out of it.

Or maybe not. I’ve lost a little over 10 pounds since we’ve started training. But I think I’ve gained a lot of weight in my heart.

Labels: working out

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Tuesday Tidings - 10JUN

Listening to

To The Spill Canvas’ All Hail the Heartbreaker

This song is so representative of my relationship with Y. I have to listen to it at least once every time I’m at the gym. It gets me so pumped. Below, I’ve included some notes as to how the lyrics apply to my crush.

This song is so representative of my relationship with Y. I have to listen to it at least once every time I’m at the gym. It gets me so pumped. Below, I’ve included some notes as to how the lyrics apply to my crush.

I had the notion that you'd make me change my ways (getting off my lazy butt)
An the bad habits would be gone in a matter of days (overeating)
I had the feeling that you'd open up my eyes (and my heart)
To a whole new world that had since been in disguise (the gym)

But that day will most likely never come for me
And it's just my luck to end up getting stuck
To everything you are (so true)

So tonight I'll sit and pick apart your pictures
And overanalyze your words
The truth is that I've never fallen so hard (!)
It's taken everything in me
Just to forget your sweater so far (your sweats so far)

I had the notion that you'd make me forget the world
But your undecisive mind shows me that
You are "just another girl" (just another guy)
I had the feeling that those looks you gave me were real (and muscle flexes)
What if I ripped your heart apart at the seams
Maybe then you'd know how I feel

But that day will most likely never come for me
And it's just my luck to end up getting stuck
To everything you are

So tonight I'll sit and pick apart your pictures
And overanalyze your words
The truth is that I've never fallen so hard
It's taken everything in me
Just to forget your sweater so far

I can honestly say
That I never, ever, ever felt this way
Your lips, your eyelashes, your skin (your lips, your biceps, your…:X)
These are the parts of your body
That cause my comatose to begin

I can honestly say
That I never, ever, ever felt this way
Your lips, your eyelashes, your skin (your lips, your biceps, your…:X)
These are the parts of your body
That cause my comatose to begin

I will sleep another day
I don't really need to anyway
What's the point when my dreams are infected
With words you used to say
I will breathe in a moment
As long as I keep my distance
I wouldn't want to go messing anything up

So don't go worrying about me
It's not like I think about you constantly
So maybe I do, but that shouldn't affect
Your life anymore
I knew it the moment you walked into the door

So don't go worrying about me
It's not like I think about you constantly
So maybe I do, but that shouldn't affect
Your life anymore
I knew it the moment you walked into the door

I'll let you get the best of me
Because there's nothing else that I do well
I'll let you get the best of me
Because there's nothing else that I do well

I'll be the giver and you'll be the taker
I guess that's how this one's gonna go
I'll be the giver and you'll be the taker
You've got me down on my knees and I proclaim
All hail the heartbreaker

Enjoying

My workout sessions with Y. He’s really pushing me beyond my limit. I whine and complain, but in truth, I’m grateful to him and proud of myself. I love that he tells me that he sees so much potential in me. There’s definitely some flirting going on, but I really am trying to control my emotions. I even declined his offer to stretch out on Sunday. It’s too touchy feely. It’s just so hard, especially since I feel extremely comfortable around him. Last night after my cardio workout, we just hung out and talked for an hour. He was telling me he went to culinary school, but couldn’t handle the pressure. Said he would make me pasta with vodka sauce. I really enjoy his company and by the way our conversation just flowed from topic to topic, it seems like he really enjoys mine too. But I don’t know how to interpret it. In fact, I don’t think I should even try to interpret that as anything more than friend talk.

But you know what’s weird… not once has he mentioned his girlfriend to me. My friend K (his sister) mentions it all the time, which is why I’m beginning to think that she senses that I have feelings for him.

Anticipating

My trip to Aruba with C and J! I cannot cannot wait. From August 8 – 14, I will be in the middle of paradise.

Hoping

My Celtics win tonight! Game 3 against the LA Lakers. I hope that rapist Kobe Bryant gets fouled out of the game.

Craving

Ice cream. Cheese. White rice. Steak. Pork. Potatoes. Y’s nutrition plan is nuts, literally. All I can eat are nuts! But I’ve lost 5 lbs. in ten days, so it’s definitely paying off.

Labels: Weekly Tidings

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Working Out My Heart

I am falling for my trainer. In any other situation, in any other life, this would be the source of a great romance, or at least the context of a hot, summer fling. But of course in my specific circumstance, this is far from good news.

A few weeks ago, after knowledge that my friend S had a trainer to bulk himself up, I decided it was time for me to get motivated. I resolved to lose 50 lbs. in a year, an ambitious task, especially for someone like me. Food, lately, has come to the center of my life. I plan my week, my day, by what’s going to be on my plate. I figured it was time for a change. The real spark was lit after my cousin C and I decided that we would vacation in the Caribbean this summer. The best thing you can bring to the Caribbean is a hot body, so I decided to get myself a trainer.

And just my luck, my friend’s brother worked at a gym in town and agreed to train me. Our first session was last Thursday. It’s only been a week; we’ve only met a total of four times; and I already feel as though my heart is inches from the ground. I am hanging on by a thread.

He is handsome, has muscles, kind, has muscles, intelligent, has muscles, funny… did I mention he has muscles? I’m only joking… I don’t just like him for his body. In fact, I think the main reason why my heart is taking an extra beat every time we’re together, is because he genuinely wants to help. Of course, he is my trainer and getting paid to help me lose weight, but the more time we spend together, the more he’s turning into a good friend.

I feel a real connection with him, as though we met previously in a past life, or had known each other forever. I’m not sure if it’s just his personality, but I feel so comfortable with him, even though I smell like sweat every when we're together.

I wonder if I feel this way because I allowed myself to be vulnerable around him. My weight, my body, is personal to me. It is a sensitive issue, and I usually keep my insecurities about it to myself. So he’s really the first person, the first guy that I’ve opened up to about how unhappy I am with my body. And I guess it just amazed me that he didn’t judge me at all, that he is supportive, and that he applauds that I’ve resolved to do something good for myself.

He sounds like the guy in every girl’s dreams. What? Someone who actually treats you like a person, regardless of the fact that you wear a size 2 or a size 12? You may be wondering, so what’s the problem? If he’s hot, why don’t I just go for it?

This is where the family curse comes into play. I believe the women in my family are cursed with falling for impossible men, unattainable men, the perfect man who is too good to be true.

Because I know it won’t work out, I’ve listed some reasons below to help me wean my heart away from his biceps:
1) He is my trainer. Hooking up with your trainer, while it may be hot, is entirely unprofessional. But it’s still hot.
2) His sister is a very good friend of mine. If it didn’t work out, I wouldn’t want to ruin our friendship.
3) He has a girlfriend. And from what I’ve heard and from what I know, he is not the type of guy who would cheat on his girlfriend. I wouldn’t be falling for that type of guy anyway.
4) He would never go for someone like me. I know I previously wrote that he didn’t judge me, but someone as hot as he is would never go for someone as fat as me. It would throw off the balance of the world.
5) I could be imagining our connection. I mean, I am paying him, so of course he has to be nice to me.
6) He is probably turned off by how lazy I am and the all unhealthy (albeit, five star quality) food that I eat.

Ok, I think I’m going to end the list there. It’s starting to depress me.

I'm conflicted. I don't know what to do. I don't want him to stop being my trainer, but then again, I don't want to end up getting hurt.

Labels: working out

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