I never thought I was the kind of person who valued financial gain over personal growth, but on Friday I received this job offer which turned those tables. I like to believe that one's professional growth is directly linked to one's personal growth, which is why I've always selected jobs that took some kind of social responsibility - whether it be through education, awareness, or outreach. Money was never really a concern for me. I was happy just as long as I got paid. But when these prospective employers dangled a big fat check in front of me, I found myself seriously wanting to paw at it. I swear I heard myself "meow." And that scared me. Do I actually have those paws?

Is this wrong? Is this materialism? Am I going to hell for this? Ok maybe not hell, but certainly a place where people keep track of their net income more than they visit their parents at the nursing home. Is this the place where I really want to be? Is this the person I want to become?

Because I just received my exam scores, and have to wait until the next school year to apply for a teaching position since this year already started, I decided to look for another job not specifically related to teaching. So I began my hunt. Backed by my idealism, I was dead set on working for an ngo. But when no opportunities opened up, I broadened my search, which is how this company found me.

They are offering a significantly larger annual salary than any first year teaching position, in fact, more than any entry level position in an industry. You might be wondering, so what's the problem? Well, I began to weigh my options - but instead of using personal growth as a qualifier, I replaced it with the dollars and cents. This position could be a terrific financial opportunity. I could probably pay off my college loans within a year if I wanted to - but within that year, I'm scared that my idealistic heart might get crushed between the file cabinets of corporate america, pierced by staplers, and thrown into the shredder.

I mean we all deserve to get paid well. There's certainly nothing wrong with making money. The problem lies in financial greed, in allowing wealth to run and control your life. I think I'm worried that if I start this job, and enjoy it, and enjoy the money they show me, I might put off teaching, put off grad school and my UC Berkeley dreams.

But I've been luckless with the ngo's so I'm kind of pushed into a corner right now. And I have absolutely no idea what to do. This is one of those times when I wish I wasn't the kind of person who saw two sides to everything. Being an objective person is a terrific quality, but indecisiveness can be just as bad as bias. Where's that whisper in your ear when you really need it?

I think I just realized the reason why post grads experience so much stress. I'm stepping away far enough from myself to finally see that I am so so so anxious about my future, about this next stage of my life. It's not that I'm scared of living it - just the opposite, I can't wait to live it. But, what scares me are the endless possibilities, all the options. I have one year before I can start teaching where I can basically do anything I want, but I can't even begin to narrow the what I want part down. This is one of those times when the decision really counts. I just hope I make the right one, and if I don't then I guess that's ok too - because as much as our mistakes can make us who we are us, they can never wholly define us.

Maybe I just have to stop worrying about what will happen in the future, and deal with what's happening now. And right now I need a job to pay off my loans. And right now, I have a position waiting for me. And what happens in a year will happen in a year.