I lied. Yesterday. To two girls with whom I went to high school. We were on the same volleyball team when I was a freshman, and we weren't even close or anything. But I still lied about where I was in life, about what I was doing with my life - after specifically telling myself I would stop doing that. It must have been a test, to see whether or not I would stay true to my word - and I didn't.

I think I'm just disappointed in myself. I'm really not where I want to be in life. I imagined something grander, larger - not in terms of lifestyle, but in terms of how I wanted to contribute to the world as an adult. And it really frustrates me that everything is moving so slow.

Post-graduate anxiety has definitely settled in. I guess I'm doubting my skills and my abilities, because while I was in school, I excelled. But no one seems to recognize that right now, and I don't want to exactly tell the world that I'm at this point where I'm totally insecure about my future. I am in awe at the people who have their lives planned, who are on track, on schedule. And I ask myself, Where can I get that? Is it a gene? Did I forget to take that class in college?

Part of the reason why I lied is that I'm really afraid to face who I am at present, and that's got to come to an end. How am I suppose to fix anything, if I can't even recognize that something needs fixing. So, I vow, from this very point, that the lying will stop. I'm a better person than that. It's ok if I'm not some big shot editor-in-chief at Random House, or an acclaimed teacher for Teach for America (not yet!), or a published author! All that will come into place in time.

So this is a portrait of who I am right now:

• I live in my parents' unfinished house.
• I spend the day job hunting, sending out my resume, rewriting my cover letter, and going on interview after interview - getting hopeful and then disappointed.
• At night, I chill out with my cool cousin Jorzcia. We religiously watch Grey's Anatomy on Thursdays, and she has turned me into a McDonald's french fries fiend due to her post-dialysis McD's binges.
• On weekends, I spend time with the other cool cousin Caresse, and listen to her vent/rant/rejoice about being a freshman at the University of New Haven. We like going to Barnes and Noble, mostly to satisfy her desire to see her boyfriend there (it's Starbucks, man!) and watching Rent, while singing along to every song.
• I'm constantly in front of the computer writing on this blog.
• Poetry is my recent fixation. I've set aside writing the short stories, for lack of a good story.
• I read one book a week. This week, I actually finished one book in the day.
• I play phone tag with my friends because I don't want to tell them that I STILL haven't found a job, and I don't want to sponge on them for anything.
• The only person I regularly speak with is my best friend Fathima, but she's short on time because she's in med school and has the craziest schedule imaginable. I miss her a lot!
• I'm really anxious about my weight lately, mostly because one of my cousin's has dropped in size dramatically. I'm super happy for him and unbelievably proud of his willpower, but seeing him reminds me of my size, and how it's growing. I'm trying to keep my Winsor Pilates workout on schedule, but I lose motivation at the end of the week when my abs hurt.
• I keep telling myself to go out and devote a day to photography, but I haven't gotten around to it yet.
• I miss Rutgers a lot. I miss Douglass much more.
• Thoughts of graduate school, phd's in English Literature, and UC Berkeley are floating in the back of my mind. I'm too shy to email Professor David Eng, Professor Sonali Perera, and Professor Carol Smith about asking them to keep me in mind for recommendations for graduate school. And I fear, that when I finally get the nerve, they might not remember me anymore.
• I keep imagining myself living in an apartment with my old roommate Tamara, watching reruns of Project Runway. I miss her a lot too!
• I sporadically hang out with Hector. There's no way I can possibly have him out of my life for good. I want to move on, but not without him. In other words, I'm having difficulty letting go.
• This other guy, whose name I will not disclose and will refer to as The Unmentionable, is peaking my interest, but I think he may be interested in someone else. It's a love triangle in the making.
• I'm dying to take an art class.
• I'm also dying to hide from this skeevy guy I went on one date with. He's not picking up on any clues that I am just not interested. And I've recently been the butt of The Unmentionable's jokes because of this stalker.
• I'm trying to decide whether I should scream in rage or laugh hysterically at my younger brother's teen mood swings.
• I'm shopping impulsively. It needs to come to an end, because while the things I buy are nice, I don't put them to use. Yesterday, I bought a cute blouse from Express (huge sale - almost everything 60% off) because I tought it would be nice for going to a club. I don't go to clubs.

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Dear two people I lied to (even though you probably won't ever read this anyway),

I'm sorry I lied, and I really had no good reason to do so. If I had told the truth, you probably could have given me some advice about life as a graduate. I just didn't want to face the fact that I was having all this trouble in the "real world." It was a stupid move on my part, and I swear that the lying is now behind me.

Sincerely,

Michelle