A Chinese man from Queens, NY was stabbed in the chest while making a food delivery. He was intercepted in the hallway by a deranged man carrying a bitch weapon, i.e. butter knife. The stabber was seen on camera, staring lovingly at the bloody knife he used. He did not steal the Chinese food. I understand that he wouldn't have wanted the food all bloody anyway, but what was his motive for stabbing the other man if he wasn't going to take anything? Is violence a hobby now? Perhaps I missed that lecture in class: How to use a knife for leisure violence. I was too busy reading the 18th Brumaire.

I'm being judgmental. This stabber must have had a difficult childhood. He must have been physically or emotionally abused as a child, which would explain his adult obsession with how to use butter knives as weapons. Perhaps, he himself has been abused by the butter knife, and projects all his aggression on the knife that it is now doing his bidding. They probably engage in heated conversations about Bush's North Korean politics.

Actually, that is absurd. I'm not being judgmental. A bad chilhood is no excuse.

Dear Stabber,

Stop wallowing in your own self-pity and take example from others who have gotten past their difficult childhoods, adolescence, sorority rush trauma or whatever drama it may be. If you truly are a mentally disturbed person, please do not move in to the house next door. The property tax in my neighborhood is much too high anyway. If you can't pay the mortgage, you certainly can't order Chinese food takeout, and that would mean you would be deprived of your innocent victim supply.

I pity the family waiting for those spring rolls and that order of lo mein. They must be starving at this very moment. Before you call NYPD to turn yourself in, I advise that you purchase a meal for that family (now probably starving because you could not control your butter knife). I recommend a noodle restaurant called Republic a few blocks from Union Square in the Lower East Side. In addition to noodles, they make an excellent cocktail. Try the Asian Sangria. I think you need it.

Don't forget to request extra cookies for the family. Pay it forward, man. But leave the butter knife at home. Margarine is better for you anyway.

Sincerely,

Bewildered Fortune Cookie