It just occured to me. Well, it didn't just occur to me. The conversation I had with my best friend Fathima made it occur. I don't think I'm going to pursue D anymore. We're too different. I'm that little quiet girl in the corner of the room who likes to read, write, and paint. I enjoy the simplicity of my life and revel in its poetic moments. The flight of birds, the shine on streets after a rainfall, the sun hitting someone's cheek - these are the things that move me. I'm not much of a party girl. I mean, there's totally nothing wrong with that, and I do get a little wild every now and then, but I prefer one on one, heart to heart talks, as opposed to the wild night out. It's who I am, and I don't want to give up the best parts of myself in order to pine for this party boy.

I know that I've gone back and forth with D, but I honestly want to be smart about it this time around.

This could just be a slight wave of insecurity. Tomorrow, I might wake up and forget I even doubted my like for him.

But regardless, I'm feeling the angst tonight. I was curious and looked at his MySpace, to see if he had posted up the pictures I took of him. Well there it was, up as his default profile image, and as I began to browse through the page, I couldn't help but notice the large quantity of girls leaving him comments. Beautiful girls. Beautiful girls who probably don't consider dorkiness as a selling point. Beautiful girls who luckily lack the awkward gene. And instantly, I felt defeated. To the point of tears. To the point of ice cream. So these are the women who I was up against.

The feminist in me is cowering because of the previous comment. What am I saying? I'm not up against anyone. This isn't about other girls. This is about my own insecurities.

Sometimes, I want to be that girl for him. The wild one. The one he meets at the club. The one he hooks up with. Maybe that's asking for too much, because I also want to be the one he calls back the next day. And from what he's told me, the hook up girl and the girl you call back, are usually not the same person.

// edit - 12:27 am11.14.06

I'm being all dramatic because he hurt my feelings last night. I was telling him about my day and relaying the fact that for some reason, I'm always approached by skeevy guys. I asked, in a joking manner, if I gave off a scent labeled "fuck around with me" - and he responded with "MAYBE." Obviously, like most girls on this continent, I was offended. I do not want to be fucked around with... not by some skeevy guy at Port Authority, by Spunk man, by H, nor by him (D). I admit that I was being a little too sensitive, but I think if he had expressed that he was only joking, then I would have rolled the comment off my shoulder. But he ended it with a flat, hard, unmoved Maybe - and instantly, all my agonizing over him seemed entirely trivial. So I said "ouch... goodnight, buddy." Buddy. And he stopped being so cute. It's like the day that you figured out your aunt was the one dressed up as Santa Claus. Not only do you question the gender line, but you also have to deal with the truth and how you've been a suckered child for the past decade!

Well ofcourse the overanalysis will come into play. I'm scared of liking someone new. It's like ordering something you've never tasted before at a restaurant. Huge huge risk. You ruin your palette and meal if you order an entree that just disagrees with you. And you can't exactly be rude and have them take it back just because you don't like it. Tough luck. Swallow it. Don't be a brat! So the smart thing to do is to do some preliminary research. It's just that, it's hard to concentrate on research, when the picture makes the dish just so damn tastylicious.

After H, I've been really protective of my heart. It's rough to start something new, when you haven't finished ending something. The ironic thing is that D is the confidant who has given me some pretty good advice about how to handle H. Last night actually, he told me to stop seeing H because I'd just get attached and be unable to move on, forward. I know that's a given, but words don't become real unless spoken or written down. Because of this fear of getting my heart broken again, I speculate that I may be subconsciously trying to sabotage my attraction and my friendship to D. Trying to convince myself to stop liking him, that I'm not good enough for him (which is entirely untrue, because I totally rock!) is all a defense mechanism. I've fallen victim to my inner saboteur!

I haven't entirely convinced myself that I believe in this theory. But one thing is for sure. The more I tell myself I don't like him, the more I think of him, miss him, want him.

Screw being anyone but me for him. If my charm is my dorkiness and true heart to heart intimacy, maybe I can offer him that, even if it's just on the friendship level. And even though I honestly have real feelings for him, I've placed too much stress and pressure on myself with this secret crush thing, and it's time to end it. Maybe I'll do what I promised and hook him up with a friend of mine who he had his eye on.

This is a sacrifice. I made a mistake once with a friend. We were best buds and I fell in love with him, out of nowhere. Love like that just hits you and gives you a black eye. We're not friends anymore, in fact, we're strangers now. I don't want to lose D the same way. These past few weeks have been amazing with him around, partially because I have the hots for him, but mostly because I'm actually getting to know him. We're actually becoming real with one another and real is hard to come by these days. He's too good of a friend to shrug off as a long lost crush, so I have to sacrifice my feelings for... our friendship. Indeed, how noble of me. lol.

Oh but I still think his smile is amazing.

***

xoxoxo's to

Madd, for her kind words and support these past few weeks. You're absolutely right. I need to be me. Who else would be as cute in that huge green minivan?

Iggymonster, for this: "Your new profile pic is HOT! *ahemahem* is fool if he doesn't snatch you up in a hurry!" You're right Iggy! He is a fool. I'm a pretty sweet fish in the sea.

Labels: The Progression of D