H is starting to pester my life. Actually, he's not starting, he's already a full-fledged pest. I can't do anything about it, because for some reason, I tolerate, even seek out his presence. When we broke up, I lost more than a boyfriend, I lost my best friend. I guess I've just been missing him lately. This moment is a crucial time in the break-up: when you reminisce about all the good times and the fact that he's an asshole totally slips your mind. I have to remain strong and let the slight H nostalgia pass, otherwise I'll be haunted forever. I've fallen in already, forgotten just how nasty he can be to me a countless number of times since our break in February. FEBRUARY! I know. It's actually been THAT long, and yet, here I am continuing to write about him, about us, or better yet, the dissolved us.

It's a universal given that break-ups are never easy. But there are always those rare occurences where people break up "mutually" and become best friends for life after the fact. The funny thing is, everyone claims that a "good" break up exists, but I don't think I've met a single person who's actually experienced this phenomenon. I mean, what actually defines a "good" break up anyway? Let's list a few viable options:

1. Your dishes are all fully intact.
2. You have a meal, together, right after your break. The very fact that you two are able to eat in front of one another after you've severed the ties is most likely the sign of a blooming friendship. Either that, or the appetizer was just too good to pass up.
3. Crying and hugging. Condition: Must come from both of you, not just the extremely sensitive and emotional person in the relationship. Also, this event cannot follow any outburst of rage, whether it be physical or verbal, i.e. getting slapped followed by an "I'm sorry" hug is not exactly a good thing.
4. You car is not scratched.
5. Presents. I hope someday, this will be standard etiquette for the break-up procedure. What better way to cheer you up than to crinkle some wrapping paper?
6. The person initiating the break-up made it publicly known how much of an asshole he really is. Why is this good? So that everyone thinks you're better off without him.
7. It's followed by a double date with some new hottie. Nothing like a double with the ex to show off, I mean, reveal how you are so over him.
8. Good break-up sex. Actually, hot break-up sex.
9. You set him up with one of your best friends. Note: This cannot involve any mastermind attempt in trying to break his heart. Truth of the matter is, your friend's heart will mostly likely be the victim. Guys really are that evil, no matter how cute their smiles.
10. He continues to pay for everything when you meet up, to the point where you're confused as to whether you are his girlfriend again.

Now that I think about it, some of these things don't sound too "good" at all. Except well, maybe the sex.

Believing in the existence of a "good" break up must be like believing in that million dollar thing. You haven't exactly seen it, but you know it still exists, right? It's all about hope and faith. However, doesn't it make you wonder why the rich don't need hope and faith? So what exactly then, makes us wealthy enough to deserve "good" break-ups?

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Yeah I couldn't think of anything either. I was going to list things like honesty, compassion, love, communication and all that corny relationship jargon, but honestly, the break-up is a blind harbinger of dissolution. You can do everything right in a relationship. You can be the perfect person. You can even bake an awesome Oreo Cheesecake. Yet none of these qualities will give you immunity to the break-up.

It's a fact of life, like death, like birth, and Black Friday sales. Great deals, but you have to face huge crowds and long lines. There's a good and a bad to it all.

I blame my parents for my inability to function properly after my H breakup. I never had a pet, so I never learned how to process death, which is symbolically what a break-up is.

In the meantime, I'll just have to tolerate the pest until I finally get over him, or buy a pet so I can finally learn about loss. Whichever comes first.