The other night, I was looking through all of the pictures from Christmas and New Years - around 300+ combined. Other than the fact that my family is composed of a bunch of camera whores, I noticed that our dynamic is changing. I'm becoming more and more aware of how bittersweet our holiday parties have become. Sure there was laughter and merriment, but as I looked at those pictures, as I recall those nights, I sensed a dark cloud looming over the presents, the tree, the champagne.

Maybe it's just me, projecting my own semi-depressive state into the physical landscape, but I don't think anyone can deny the fact that Christmas and New Years is being characterized more by routine, than by joy in my family. Maybe it's because everyone's getting older now. One of my cousins just had a new baby, so birth is always a reminder of age and death. Maybe it's been the health conditions of some of my family members that's keeping everyone very subdued. Whatever the reason, I guess my one wish is for life and spirit to reenter our lives.

After the little kids performed (sang, played music, etc...), we went downstairs to the basement to play Cranium, leaving the adults to themselves upstairs. D stopped by for a little bit, so I went upstairs to welcome him in, and as I reached the top of the stairs, I was suprised by how quiet all the adults were. They were lounging around on the couch, sitting around the dining room table, totally unmoved. And for the first time ever, I was fearful of the wave of sadness that hit me. I began to feel guilty for leaving them to themselves, especially during our New Years Celebration - thinking that perhaps, we should have gotten them to play the games with us. I wanted to give everyone a hug.

Truthfully, I think it's because my family has drifted apart over the years. We see each other often, more than most families, but I don't think the relationships are as strong anymore. Us cousins are beginning to get closer, especially under the leadership of Kuya Anthony... but I wish there was something I could do to revitalize the relationships of the adults. Years ago, we all used to take camping trips together. Nothing hardcore. We'd usually rent a campsite in a complex with a shower, a swimming pool, and fishing facilities etc. It was really all about the teambuilding... building the tent, eating together, cooking together, telling stories around the fire while roasting marshmallows. We haven't done anything like that in almost ten years. And I miss those times, terribly.

I grew up two years ago. When I grew up, I realized how important my family was to me. And it's hurting me so much to see us like this. I think it's up to our generation now to foster the change. Our parents, our uncles, aunts have so many other worries... that they really need us to take the lead in strengthening the family ties. So that's one of my new year's resolutions: I'm going to really try to piece my family back together. I'll plan a summer camping trip. I'll really try to get to know my aunts, uncles, parents, brother, cousins. I don't want to ever consider my family as the people that are around just because we're all blood related. I want to consider them my friends as well.

I think posing for family photos is the one thing we all enjoy, so maybe I can organize a photoshoot, with lighting and the works. It's funny really, that the camera is one of the things that's keeping us together. We still want to hold on to our laughter through the memories captured in these photographs. I hope that laughter will not be a memory for very long, but a living and breathing in the rooms of our homes.

Just a small glimpse of our smiles.