On Wednesday night, I gave H the Christmas present. I told him that I bought it before we stopped talking, that I had no use for it, that I couldn't return it, that it didn't mean anything. But ofcourse, it does mean something. It means I'm letting go. Holding on to it would have meant that a part of H was still hanging over my head. Holding on to it would have meant that something was still preventing me from giving him a totally platonic present.

It's kind of like Izzy's drama with the $8.7 million check that Denny left for her (Grey's Anatomy). Depositing that check meant that she was beginning to let go of Denny. So giving H his present means that I'm also letting go.

I had a plan. It was going to be a drive-by drop-off. I would put the car in park, call to tell him I was outside, hand the gift to him, say "Peace!," and then fly off into the night like a bank robber. But I faltered, and we talked for a few minutes. And it was weird, because I don't see him in the same light anymore. It was like re-reading a favorite book and realizing it wasn't even that good. He's not the same person to me, because I'm not the same person.

There was talk about our friendship, or lack thereof. Honestly, I can't be friends with him right now. Too much has happened. There's too much history. I can't go back.

It's sad to think that four years are going to be erased from my life. Not literally ofcourse. I will treasure our moments, but when you decide to move someone out of your life, you are using the eraser end of the pencil. You are using the white-out. It won't be totally gone. There will certainly be an outline, a shadow.

He called me a few minutes after I left. I asked him what he wanted from me. He mumbled something I couldn't understand, or chose not to understand. So I can see, that even now, he's still playing games. If he has something to tell me, why doesn't he just tell me? I'm done with coaxing. It's like trying to pull a lie out of a child. Who has the time or energy to do that, seriously?

I don't want him to think that he's not a good person. I don't want him to think that it was never real. I don't want him to think that I'm apathetic, because I'm not. I care, which is why I think it's better that we don't talk to or see each other anymore. Maybe someday, we can become good friends again. It won't be in the near future, but I really believe people change for the better. I hope he's happy. But I kind of hope I'll be happier. It's only human.