This weekend, I became weak. I missed him. Something just overcame me. It was one of those overcast moments, like in the movies when clouds suddenly take over the sky. So I called him and hung up after two rings. It's kind of pathetic really, that I can't even be adult enough to let my friend know that I miss him.
He called back. My heart started racing. It's a dilemma. As much as I want to be his friend again, I am afraid that old feelings might come surging back. He called me on my fear. He said I was scared. And he's right. I am. I denied it ofcourse. I'm just not sure I'm strong enough to resist the temptation of feeling that comfort that he can give me. So I don't know what to do.
A part of me says that if I really am over him, then being around him won't bring those feelings back. But another part of me argues that it's a proven fact that being around your ex is just bad news. I've really come so far, and I don't want to take a step back. Not now. Not when I'm so close to that "I'm free I'm free" line.
He has been asking me to hang out and I've broken the plans every time. So maybe all this stress about it will amount to nothing, because I can't even bring myself to actually face him.
Life is funny. We broke up around this time last year. I think, before Vday or after Vday. I can't even remember. And I can't even remember why.
I'm hearing things. Just now I heard a high voice, a shrill whisper. A moment ago, the wind growled against the window, made the curtains dance a bit. In the distance, I can hear a storm rising. Something awakened me at 4am and since then, I haven't been able to dream.
4 Comments:
I think it will take a while until you could be friends with the ex again. I think it is possible though. You just need to know that your past feelings for him won't come back. I know its probably hard considering the history, but I think its really time and time apart will help. I can't speak from experience, but being really apart from someone like that will help you decide if being friends is really worth it. I'm sure you're forgiving since you're even considering wanting to be friends, but ask yourself why you want to be friends with him? Is the friendship that you had when your in a relationship strong enough to hold its own as just a friendship? Does that make sense? Anyhow, I hope that helps. :)
Michelle -
I've never been one who can be friends with an ex. For me, once my heart has been broken I need to cut that person out of my life. If I were to interact with some of my exes, all of those feelings would come rushing back and I would get my hopes up that some sort of reconciliation could occur and when it didn't I'd be heartbroken all over again. Whichever path you choose, I wish you all the best and hope that you don't have to go through more heartbreak.
I've been sort of lurking around since finding you through Poetry Thursday, and your writing always strikes a chord with me.
I'm also going to tag you with this little blogging exercise / fun thing, if you're interested: you're supposed to write a post with 6 weird facts about yourself, then tag 6 other people to do the same.
You can read about my weirdness here.
Awww, Chelle. Everything will work itself out. You'll see. Just do what feels right to you, focus on that intuition.
This one guy I dated and was crazy about turned out to be a great friend. We got back together, broke up again, over and over; he was constantly my ex. After five years of this, I married him. :)
You just have to listen to your own smart self. If you feel it's wrong, then stay away. If you don't, then go with it.
This is fun. Now I have been reading blogs for 6 hours straight and I finally get to something I remember. Your blog didn't lose me at all. I remember the discussion of x-boyfriends with initials like it was yesterday. I agree with everything that everyone above me wrote that actually took enough time to think and come up with something good to say. Last time I did that I ended up all confused and you had to explain the whole story to me. Just wanted to say hello and I...oh shit-just realized your blog is dated January 29! I am a jackass. Well, then it hasn't been that long. Get back to writing lady. You hiatus is over. I miss you stopping in.
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