I'm having a major anxiety attack right now. I know I'm lucky compared to most people. I have a wonderful family, great friends, I'm pretty sharp and cute... but today is just one of those days that I feel like I'm just not up to par with the world.

I was supposed to go to Jorie's birthday at Club Strata tonight, but I'm shying away. This morning, D (original D, not the new D) wanted to roll with me to the club, and that's when the anxiety began. It suddenly occured to me that I don't have what it takes to be that girl, that unaffected girl, who can shrug loss and heartbreak off. So yeah I'm scared. I don't want to be alone with him. I don't want to talk to him. I don't even want to be around him. Because everyone's right. I'm gonna get my heart broken. I can't do the whole emotionless sex bit. I'm the kind of person who wants more meaning out of life.

But that's only part of the reason why I'm staying away. I think I concocted that explanation so that I would sound somewhat reasonable. The truth is... I honestly feel so inadequate. I don't feel pretty enough, beautiful enough, skinny enough... I just don't feel like I'm enough. I sound like a teenager going through the whole angst stage, but I can't shake the feeling.

It's like watching fruit rot, or flowers wilt, or a balloon deflate to something small and limp and weak. It's uneasy and heavy. Makes my throat close up.

I can't compete.

It's sad. As much as I want to go. As much as I want to flirt with him and dance with him tonight, I can't bring myself to believe that I'm good enough... that on the off chance he might actually want to flirt back and dance with me.

It's lame. I'm quitting before I even start.

And so goes my jaded life.