I guess I was naive in thinking that after the surgery, everything was going to be perfect from that point forward.  But in truth, she has to be more careful than ever now, in order that her body does not reject the kidney.  She's got so many restrictions placed on her, down to who she sees and what she eats.  We don't value the freedom that a healthy body gives us.  We're all free to come and go as we please, eat whatever we want, and do whatever we want to do.  I really admire her sometimes, the way she can put on a smile amidst all of what she's gone through.  Because honestly, if it were me, it would be much darker.

Right now, I feel this strange pressure from her brother to help him land a job.  I want to help him out... he's family - of course I want him to be successful.  I've already submitted his resume and a referral form to our Recruiters, but I think he believes that it's a closed deal.  I'm torn between feeling annoyed that he expects it will just come to him and feeling guilty for being annoyed at him.  I would love to be able to just go up to one of the managers here and ask them to hire him, but I don't have that kind of relationship with those people... and the hiring process here is so rigorous that it's not something I can guarantee.  I feel like I've already done what I can, and now it's really up to him to search for a position.  And now I feel like his family is also expecting me to follow through... and I feel guilty for not being able to do more, but it's really out of my hands.

It just bothers me because I can't really verbalize these feelings to anyone.  I've never really had this kind of problem with my family before, and I don't know how to deal with it.  I don't know if he has said anything to his parents, but I'm feeling the strangest vibe from them, as if I'm not welcome in their home.  I got that sense all weekend and I tried to rationalize, thinking that maybe I was just being too sensitive.  But I felt like all the questions being asked were going back to my job, and henceforth, how I could get my cousin a job.

And all this is starting to spiral downwards, spinning in my head.  A few days ago, I came to the realization that I don't think my parents are proud of me.  For years, I've tried to forgive the fact that my father didn't even come to my high school reunion.  He did come to see megraduate from college, but I'll never forget that he didn't attend the BHS ceremony.  That action, that negligence hurt me to the core.  His excuse was that he had work.  But a daughter only graduates from high school once.  I thought I had forgiven him, but I guess all I really did was bury it - which isn't the same thing.  I don't know how to forgive anyone.  The only thing I really know what to do with pain is to bury it, dig deep and hide it, and hope that it doesn't surface.  Hope that it gets buried deeper and deeper as I shovel more dirt over it.

I've always been the kind of person who holds on to the past... but now, I see the past as nothing but a corpse, asking me to revisit painful memories.

I've deluded myself into believing that my parents were proud of me graduating, proud of me getting a job.  But honestly, they've never demonstrated it verbally to me.  I know that most Asian parents have difficulty verbalizing "emotions" and "feelings," but I'm not asking for anything sappy.  Even the smallest acknowledgement would move me to tears at this point.

We tell ourselves all the time, mostly in relationships with friends and lovers, that we will not settle for anything but the best.  But for family, it's so different.  I don't know what it is about a blood bond, what it is that ties individuals together by name, but we settle for the smallest inkling of love from a family member.  Most people don't have to settle for that, they get unconditional love and care, but the people who aren't as lucky, settle.  And honestly, I would be happy with whatever I can get.

Even when I told my parents that I had started studying for my GRE English Lit exam, I felt like I was talking right through them.  I am, after all, still their child.  I want and need acknowledgement, praise, and love that only a parent, that only family blood can give.  And it hurts me to think that I have to work so hard for it, when it is something that should be given freely by a mother and father.

In a few days, I'll bury this.