I am falling for my trainer. In any other situation, in any other life, this would be the source of a great romance, or at least the context of a hot, summer fling. But of course in my specific circumstance, this is far from good news.

A few weeks ago, after knowledge that my friend S had a trainer to bulk himself up, I decided it was time for me to get motivated. I resolved to lose 50 lbs. in a year, an ambitious task, especially for someone like me. Food, lately, has come to the center of my life. I plan my week, my day, by what’s going to be on my plate. I figured it was time for a change. The real spark was lit after my cousin C and I decided that we would vacation in the Caribbean this summer. The best thing you can bring to the Caribbean is a hot body, so I decided to get myself a trainer.

And just my luck, my friend’s brother worked at a gym in town and agreed to train me. Our first session was last Thursday. It’s only been a week; we’ve only met a total of four times; and I already feel as though my heart is inches from the ground. I am hanging on by a thread.

He is handsome, has muscles, kind, has muscles, intelligent, has muscles, funny… did I mention he has muscles? I’m only joking… I don’t just like him for his body. In fact, I think the main reason why my heart is taking an extra beat every time we’re together, is because he genuinely wants to help. Of course, he is my trainer and getting paid to help me lose weight, but the more time we spend together, the more he’s turning into a good friend.

I feel a real connection with him, as though we met previously in a past life, or had known each other forever. I’m not sure if it’s just his personality, but I feel so comfortable with him, even though I smell like sweat every when we're together.

I wonder if I feel this way because I allowed myself to be vulnerable around him. My weight, my body, is personal to me. It is a sensitive issue, and I usually keep my insecurities about it to myself. So he’s really the first person, the first guy that I’ve opened up to about how unhappy I am with my body. And I guess it just amazed me that he didn’t judge me at all, that he is supportive, and that he applauds that I’ve resolved to do something good for myself.

He sounds like the guy in every girl’s dreams. What? Someone who actually treats you like a person, regardless of the fact that you wear a size 2 or a size 12? You may be wondering, so what’s the problem? If he’s hot, why don’t I just go for it?

This is where the family curse comes into play. I believe the women in my family are cursed with falling for impossible men, unattainable men, the perfect man who is too good to be true.

Because I know it won’t work out, I’ve listed some reasons below to help me wean my heart away from his biceps:
1) He is my trainer. Hooking up with your trainer, while it may be hot, is entirely unprofessional. But it’s still hot.
2) His sister is a very good friend of mine. If it didn’t work out, I wouldn’t want to ruin our friendship.
3) He has a girlfriend. And from what I’ve heard and from what I know, he is not the type of guy who would cheat on his girlfriend. I wouldn’t be falling for that type of guy anyway.
4) He would never go for someone like me. I know I previously wrote that he didn’t judge me, but someone as hot as he is would never go for someone as fat as me. It would throw off the balance of the world.
5) I could be imagining our connection. I mean, I am paying him, so of course he has to be nice to me.
6) He is probably turned off by how lazy I am and the all unhealthy (albeit, five star quality) food that I eat.

Ok, I think I’m going to end the list there. It’s starting to depress me.

I'm conflicted. I don't know what to do. I don't want him to stop being my trainer, but then again, I don't want to end up getting hurt.

Labels: working out