We’ve only been training together for 22 days, but I am falling in love with him. My overactive imagination has already presented various scenes of us as a couple, making dinner together, with him chastising me about the glob of butter I’m about to drop into the pan, and me not giving a damn, telling him that dishes need butter the way we need one another.

I’m imagining that I’m in a relationship with him. When we train in the early morning (6am) before work, I pretend that we’re working out as a couple.

This is not good. This is not healthy. This is a form of self torture. I really am a masochist.

I keep reminding myself that he has a girlfriend. That he’s been with her since November. But I’m human… and inherently selfish. So I continue to pretend that she doesn’t exist, that she’s not in the picture. I don’t want her presence to enter my time with him. If I recall her, then I would feel so wrong for feeling the way I feel. She existed only in the periphery, as a figment of the imagination, a ghost, intangible – until Monday.

Monday morning, I carpooled to work with his sister. It was her turn to drive, so I just relaxed in the passenger seat, wishing it were still the weekend, dreading the work waiting for me at my desk. She didn’t know about how I felt about her brother. I was afraid that it would somehow alter our friendship, so when she started talking about him in the car, beads of sweat started to form on my forehead. She told me that Y was telling her that he was really proud of me, because I was taking it really seriously, and because I ran on the treadmill for 20 min straight without taking a walking break. So that definitely put a smile on my face. I was safe. She didn’t speculate a thing.

Then she said, “You two are spending a lot of time together. What if you fall in love? You would be in my family!”

My heart stopped. I shifted my weight on the seat, and in a shaky voice, I told her “No, that’s not going to happen. He has a girlfriend.” She knew.

I didn’t know how to navigate how I felt about this. Should I have been anxious that she somehow discovered the secret I’ve been keeping for the past two weeks, or should I smile at the fact that she sounded pretty happy about me being a part of her family?

I decided I was a little bit of both, and spent the rest of the day walking around on cloud 9. I was untouchable. I was in love.

When I got to the gym that afternoon, I felt like I could run 10 miles on the treadmill, until I actually ran 2.25 miles and thought I was going to pass out. I flirted shamelessly. I laughed, batted my lashes, smiled when I saw him smile at something I said or did. This could actually be something.

But the apparition appeared. The gym was already closed. I just finished lifting weights, when she walked through the door. My heart dropped. So this was her, no longer in the periphery, materializing in front of me.

I introduced myself to her and Y introduced her as his girlfriend, leaned over to give her a kiss, and told me that they talked about me all the time.

I think I went deaf when he kissed her. Space was closing in on me. I needed to get out of there. I stayed friendly and charming, but I think my body language revealed how uncomfortable I was. He was still talking to me as I made my way to the door. That night, I had four delirious scoops of ube ice cream.

I wish I never met her. Her existence in the outskirts of my mind were working out for me. I was able to enjoy my time with him without guilt. But now, she’s real to me. The fact that he’s taken is real. The fact that I could potentially be destroying something is realer than real.

I was advised to treat this as an impossibility. It’s proving to be a difficult task. Probably because I’m not executing it whole heartedly. Maybe I’ll snap out of it.

Or maybe not. I’ve lost a little over 10 pounds since we’ve started training. But I think I’ve gained a lot of weight in my heart.

Labels: working out