My wedding was on Saturday, August 23, 2008.  I didn’t pick the date myself, and for that reason, I truly believe that the Fates are weaving a pattern for me.  I was born on the 23^rd.  I graduated within the top ten percent, as the 23^rd, in my class.  And now, my anniversary date is the 23^rd.  It’s some kind of divine number in my life.  I only hope I won’t end up having 23 children.  That would not be very divine.

The limited friends to whom I have shown pictures have all told me I was beautiful.  I smiled, gave my standard “Aww thanks,” and allowed a tear to fall into a crevice in my heart.  I wish he loved me as much as I loved him.  I wish the vows of acceptance he took, that came out of his mouth, were the truth, and actually meant something to him.

As the official spoke, more like ranted about the salvation God brings you when you get married, Yulian inched closer and closer to where I stood, so I could feel the softness of his tuxedo against my cold bare arm.  My heart was already pounding inside me, and this slight change in his position, in his body, made it beat even faster.  And if that couldn’t get any worse, as the energy flowed smoothly between his body and mine, standing side by side together, waiting to say “I do,” I thought time had stood still.  I thought I had died.  My heart stopped beating.  And before I even snapped out of the vision to realize what had just happened, we were married.  I never said I do.  He said “I accept” a total of four times in Spanish.  So technically, because I never officially stated the words, I was not committing blasphemy.  My name, after all, may still be on the VIP list at heaven’s gate.

When I first told my friends about my plans, they all looked at me as though I had lost my mind.  And maybe I had, but I had theorized a perfectly logical rationale to my decision, that I had them all fooled.  Well maybe not fooled, but at least I had them quiet.  I couldn’t deal with any more voices telling me to go this way or that.  I already had all those voices inside my head.  The party was starting to get a little too out of hand.

So my rationale, in 23 points:

1. Good deeds don’t go unnoticed – I’m hoping that because I’m doing a good deed, God may just ignore the fact that we’re making a slight mockery out of the sanctity of marriage.
2. Princess for a day – Who wouldn’t jump at the chance of being the center of attention for one perfect day!  I’m definitely in need of an ego boost.
3. Photo shoot – Everyone already knows I’m a camera whore.  Ofcourse I would be enjoying being the subject of the lens.
4. A new dress – I love dresses.  And I don’t have one in white yet.  It’s a piece added to the collection in my closet.
5. Party! – A wedding is a reason to celebrate!  I’m always up to party!
6. His cooking – I would finally get to taste his cooking skills.  I think there’s something very sensual in eating food that’s been made for you by a lover.  I was definitely looking forward to experience that and wasn’t the least bit disappointed.
7. Rings – I have two beautiful rings on my finger.  It’s probably a bad thing considering I’m the only one who’s placing any real, emotional, and symbolic value to them, but I do wear the rings to sleep.  Since I can’t wear it during the day, I figured I could at least be married as I dream.
8. His smile – When I told him what I wanted to do for him, the smile on his face absolutely and completely filled up my heart.  I don’t think that’s something I would ever want to take away.
9. Her happiness – This is as much a gift to him, as it is to his sister Karily.  She has become one of my best and closest friends.  I don’t think I’d be able to face having my brother out of my life, and I wouldn’t want her to face the loss of hers either.
10. His happiness – I know I’m sacrificing myself by doing this, but I care about him so much, to the point where I would do anything to keep him happy (even though that happiness won’t be shared with me, even though I’m technically helping them stay together).
11. Being in his arms – Even if it’s just for a day.
12. Looking into his eyes – Even if it’s just for a day.
13. Pretending he’s in love too – Even if it’s just for a day.
14. It feels right – Throughout this whole thing, I never felt any kind of fear or doubt that I was doing the wrong thing.  I did feel fear and doubt about how I would recover emotionally, but in terms of the bigger picture, it felt right.  In my heart, it is right.
15. My acting debut – All the world’s a stage, and all the men are players.  I always knew I was an inner thespian.  Mrs. Perl, in 8^th grade, was the first person to recognize those talents.  Props.
16. The kiss – Our lips would touch.
17. The anticipated kiss - #16 is sort of negated, because I think I enjoyed the anticipation much more.  We didn’t even kiss, but our lips were millimeters apart from one another.  That distance, that tension, is priceless.  If ever, if one bright beautiful day, we ever get the chance to kiss, I’m glad it’ll be our first one. :) 
18. Holding on – I can’t imagine my life without him in it.  When I told my brother, the first thing he said was “Why can’t you just let him go.”  I realized that I’d rather have him in my life as a friend, than have him be miles and miles apart from me.
19. Martyrdom – Everybody dreams of becoming Joan of Arc at least once in their lives.  Here’s my chance.
20. Sadomasochism – I love to torture myself.  Always have.  Always will.
21. Good material – I have no doubt that this will turn into a best selling novel once I’m done writing it.
22. My heart – One of my counter arguments was that if I didn’t offer myself this way, then they would break up, and that would mean he’d be single, and I’d have a chance – slight as that chance may be, since he’d be miles and miles away.  Being conscious of this reasoning made me feel so guilty.  I would never want to wish anyone heartache, especially not him, not even her.
23. Hope – I am an eternal romantic.  I am trying to be realistic about the whole thing, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wish, didn’t hope, that I could get the “happy ending.”  I’d be lying if I said I didn’t dream that we would end up together in the end, in the future.

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