I’m getting a tattoo at the end of the month: a tiny little starfish, or two, on my inner right ankle. My love for starfish began after watching that movie Aquamarine, in which the starfish she wore as earrings whispered sweet nothings in her ear. So initially, the love began in the realm of vanity, but after doing some research, I was surprised to find how the symbolism behind the starfish is so closely aligned to the currents of my heart.

WikiAnswers explains:

The Starfish has been used to represent the Virgin Mary (Stella Maris which means Star of the Sea) who creates safe travel over troubled waters and is also seen as an emblem of salvation during trying times. The Starfish can also be seen as a celestial symbol and as such, represents infinite divine love. In addition to love, the Starfish also holds characteristics such as guidance, vigilance, inspiration, brilliance and intuition. To see a starfish in your dream, suggests a period of healing and regeneration. Alternatively, it may indicate that you have many options to weigh and decisions to make.

I keep telling myself that I want to heal from this, but I don’t think I’m actually broken… yet. Right now, I am riding the wave. There are some days when I do feel like I’m drowning, choking from my own fears and my own desires, but I haven’t drowned. I don’t need to heal right now.

The big decision is whether I’m going to allow myself to get to the point where I’ll have to heal. I think I’m on that line, occasionally stepping in and out as if playing a game of hokey pokey. Except it’s not my right arm or my left arm that’s getting tossed in and out this circle of love, it’s my heart.

The tattoo is a precaution. It’s my bomb shelter. I have to prepare myself for the moment when my heart will break. I guess it means that I have made up my mind. It is not a matter of whether or not I will cross over to love him wholly, but a matter of when. The starfish will remind me that when that day comes, I will heal from the pain of all the thrashing waves and have the ability to regenerate my heart.

Days like today. Days like today remind me of how beautiful and cruel the world can be. Days like today fill my heart to the brim, but also crack the bottom of the glass.

I had such a beautiful morning with him. We talk about everything… ourselves, our desires, the world, politics, our goals, love, people. It is so easy to be with him. It is so easy to laugh and smile around him. All the pretenses are gone, the anxiety, the insecurities. Whenever I’m with him, I feel as though I am floating on my back in the middle of the ocean, with the blue sky above me and the blue water below me, buoyant, able to float freely forever and ever. It’s a refreshing kind of freedom, almost overwhelming, to find someone you can be so free with, so open, and so… yourself.

Today, the topic at hand was goals. We kept going back to it. We were discussing, of course, my workout/health goals, but I speak in double entendres. My words and his words mean more than what is being said. He drew a diagram on a yellow post-it note: a circular target in the center, then a tangent. An arrow pointed to the tangent, and he explained that my method of attacking the goal at only one angle would not work. Then he drew arrows coming at all sides of the target, associating each arrow with a different workout strategy. I grabbed the pencil from him, flipped it over, and erased the target.

I said, “I don’t know what my target is. I don’t have the motivation I once had, because my target doesn’t exist anymore. It isn’t clear.”

“Why did you ruin my art?”

Stalemate. Eyes locked. He knows. I continue to speak in code.

He attempted to re-visualize another solution to the problem by making an analogy to war and combat. He drew two rectangular armies in battle, one army held strong by a smaller rectangle representing the king. He depicted the other army’s strategy by drawing another small rectangle next to a series of connecting “u”’s (as mountains) representing the platoon on horses that would ambush the king, by going around the mountain instead of straight into battle.

I told him he didn’t get it, and besides I’m anti-war. I’m not a fighter.

“So you’re a lover.”

“No.”

“Just get on the horse and ride it.” I blushed.

“What about a pony instead?”

The conversation evolved into a discussion about people and their innate “human” desires, stemming from our talk about Che Guevara and Colombian guerillas. He said that in the beginning, the mission may have been to overthrow a corrupt government, but it got out of hand when they wanted more… more power, more money.

I responded that it’s only human for people to want more. Desires, goals, are not inherently evil. They can push us beyond our potential. Without the desire to want more, people wouldn’t work, wouldn’t be motivated… I wonder if a desire to live would even exist if everyone were simply… satisfied.

He takes the post-it note and redraws the target. “If that’s the case, then your goal is clear.”

I take the pencil and draw three additional tangents to the circle, forming a square around it, blocking all the arrows. I tell him that is my life right now. There may be other forms of attack, but I’m locked out. My goal may be clear, but there’s no way to get to it.

I couldn't look at him in the eye anymore. I put the pencil down, got up, and ran four miles on the treadmill.