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Thursday, November 30, 2006

Preparing for Advent

Sunday, December 3rd will mark the first day of the holy season of Advent, in which good Christians await the coming of Christ.

So it is time for me to also prepare, as I have done in previous years, as my little brother has done in October, as my parents have done, and my ancestors and my ancestors' ancestors have done. It is time for me to prepare...

my Christmas WishList.

Canon DSLR Camera

Tiffany & Co. Starfish earrings, with or without the diamonds.

Rose Leather or Signature Black fabric
Coach Legacy Shoulder Bag

Starburst Mirror or the original version: Constellation Mirror, but you're better off opting for the Starburst, since it's around $5000 less than this one.

Grey's Anatomy: The Complete Second Season

This stuff from MAC, not Apple, but rather MAC Ccosmetics

Sqr Shader / Tapered Bleding / Sml Angles Shader

Glitter Eyeliner / Fluidline / Face Brush Set

eyeshadow is six different shades: Pompous Blue, Swimming, Shimmermoss, Honeylust, Suspicion, and Mystery

Pink iPod Nano

and the most important of all: Boooooooooks!

Happy Shopping... uhh I mean Advent! So what's on your list?

Thursday Tidings - 30NOV

... this usually airs on Tuesday, but after my complaint that work was boring, my boss piled up a month's load of projects on my desk.

Creating
A MySpace account. A few months ago, I deactivated my account due to the fact that I NEVER speak to 90% of the people with whom I'm so-called "friends." I wanted to simplify my life, unclutter it, and limit my interaction to my real and true friends. And those real and true friends consist of the ones I actually see in the real physical world, not through the comment history e-world on my MySpace page. So I said goodbye to my account, and now I'm starting to regret it for various reasons:

When D posted up the pictures I took of him, a mass army of beautiful girls commented on these photos. And since I did not have a MySpace account, I could not gloat and make it known that I was the chick behind the camera, that I was the creator of the sexy D photos that they were all hot for. Bummer.
I can't spy on my brother's behavior, more importantly, my brother's behavior with his girlfriend. Like the good, semi-conservative big sister that I am, I want to make sure that things are kept G-rated.
I want to express my annoyance and enlighten the pre-adolescent girls who blatantly objectify themselves, by forwarding them a Spivak essay on Third World Feminism. I'm such a lit snob.
I don't have a place to showcase my self-portrait addiction. The world is missing out!
I'm getting a little bored of FaceBook.
I'm in the mood to validate my coolness factor with the number of friends and comments I have. (I'm actually not serious. I think. lol)

I'm fickle, so I'll most likely deactivate this new account in a week. Although, I will miss poking extreme fun at the pre-adolescent girls who think they are hot stuff.

Watercolor paintings. I promise to post scans this weekend. Working on a pomegranate still life. I love rotting fruit.

Eating
Fruit. Not rotten. Some grapes, banana slices, and cubes of watermelon and pineapples.

Drinking
Columbian coffee, to wake up since I've been getting only five hours of beauty sleep lately.

Anticipating
the weekend festivities, as follows:

Friday
Late dinner/snack with Jorie and Caresse, my lovely cousins.

Saturday
Shopping with Fathima's friend Shiraz. Coach! Saks! then Rockefeller to see the tree!
Meeting up with Padmini.
Maybe meeting up with this dude for lunch... but it's not definite, and the explanation of this dude character requires a longer post.

Sunday
Family photo shoot for our Christmas card.
Mass - First Sunday of Advent!
Mahjongg / Grey's Anatomy Season One marathon.

Longing
For a sappy girl's night filled with chick flicks, nail polish, beauty procedures, and the like. It's been a while since I've shared moments like this with my friends, moments where we just kick back, relax, dish, and get pampered. I think we're in a restaurant rut, because it seems like all we ever do is go out to eat.

Thinking
About H. We've really drifted over the past few weeks, and I was surprised when he called last night and asked to see me. We didn't see each other. (Yes, you are welcome to applaud my strength.) I think it's better off this way right now. I don't want to be in this purgatory-ish state with him. I want to either be with him, or not be with him. I'm done with the waiting. I want to move on.

Regretting
My new Victoria's Secret Angels credit card and my Barnes and Noble Membership credit card. Sexy underthings and books will be the death of me, death through debt and bankruptcy, that is.

Labels: Weekly Tidings

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

alphabet survey recisions

the letter f
have you ever flown in a plane? no yes
I thought that question was asking if I ever flew a plane. Ooops.

Mel, I see you also made the error. Change accordingly love.

the letter n
do you prefer night over day? ~~yup~~ twilight.

Mel's right. The in-between times are always more beautiful.

***
Made some mistakes. So I corrected them.

Monday, November 27, 2006

alphabet survey

the letter a
are you available? yup
what is your age? 23
what annoys you? arrogance

the letter b
do you live in a big house? it's decent
when is your birthday? may 23
who is your best friend? fathima

the letter c
what's your favorite candy? Lindt white chocolate
who's your crush? D
when was the last time you cried? -=o` last night, been bummed out lately

the letter d *oh gosh
do you daydream? too much
your favorite kind of dog? japanese chins
what day of the week is it? monday

the letter e
how do you like your eggs? scrambled, cooked with milk
have you ever been in the emergency room? it's been a few years
what's the easiest thing ever to do? eat and shop

the letter f
have you ever flown in a plane? no
do you use fly swatters? yeah, my hand lol
have you ever used a foghorn? nope

the letter g
do you chew gum? somtimes
are you a giver or a taker? giver
do you like gummy candies? no

the letter h
how are you? bummed
what's your height? 5'3
what color is your hair? black

the letter i
what's your favorite ice cream? toffee bar heaven, godiva's vanilla with chocolate caramel hearts
have you ever ice skated? yes
do you play an instrument? piano, once in a blue moon

the letter j
what's your favorite jelly bean? eww
have you ever heard a really hilarious joke? ofcourse, that one about your momma was pretty funny
do you wear jewelry? yup
do you have a job? yes, i have my own cubicle

the letter k
who do you want to kill? this question is scary
do you want kids? someday
where did you have kindergarten? assumption in iloilo city, philippines

the letter l
are you laid back? not all the time
do you lie? don't we all?
when was your last kiss? october...

the letter m
what's your favorite movie? amelie
do you still watch disney movies? ofcourse, i watch the little mermaid at least once a month
do you like mangos? with bagoong

the letter n
do you have a nickname? marmie, chelle, worm
what's your favorite number? 23
do you prefer night over day? yup

the letter o
what's your one wish? get published
are you an only child? nope
do you wish this was over? not really

the letter p
what one fear are you most paranoid about? spiders
what are your pet peeves? when objects are not straight, especially in stores
what's a personality trait you look for in people? humbleness

the letter q
what's your favorite quote? wisdom begins with wonder
are you quick to judge people? nope

the letter r
do you think you're always right? i'm stubborn
do you watch reality tv? yes
what's a good reason to cry? when you're moved by beauty, to the point of tears

the letter s
do you prefer sun or rain? sunshine
what's your favorite season? spring

the letter t
what time is it? 2:57 pm
what time did you wake up? 7:30 am
when was the last time you slept in a tent? two years ago on a camping trip with h, slavik, melissa and friends

the letter u
are you wearing underwear? duh
you prefer underwear or thongs? lol

the letter v
whats the worst veggie? celery. yuck.
where do you want to go on vacation? france, greece, spain, japan, china, brazil, thailand
where was your last vacation to? philippines this past summer

the letter w
what's your worst habit? procrastination
where do you live? bergenfield
what's your worst fear? abandon, both getting abandoned and losing all abandon

the letter x
have you ever had an x-ray? yup
have you seen the x-games? that's like, x-treme sports right? like... skateboarding?
do you own a xylophone? no

the letter y
do you like the color yellow? my disgust for the color is starting to fade. i blame green and yellow catholic school uniforms.
what year were you born in? 1983
what's one thing you yearn for? beauty

the letter z
whats your zodiac sign? gemini
do you believe in the zodiac? used to.

**
I know this is a pointless post, but I am really bored at work.

One Deep Breath: Legacy

My mother's scent

She leaves me with the
smell of blueberry muffins
baked in kitchen walls.

Book of recipes
bound by wrinkled hands is my
mother's legacy.

But all I leave are
words and an empty kitchen
burning with her scent.

**
Go to One Deep Breath to read more haiku about legacies.

Labels: Poetry, Writing Prompts

My nemesis, The House

When most parents took out a mortgage to pay for their child's college expenses, mine took out a mortgage to raise the roof. And I mean that literally. They raised the roof of our sweet and quaint Cape Cod house to make it look like a Georgian inspired Colonial, with a bit of a modern flair: we have a skylight in the center of our dining room.

Most people would be grateful for the revamp: an additional bathroom, two new bedrooms to replace my single slanted-roof, yet oversized bedroom upstairs, a larger kitchen, a new dining room, larger living room, a study, a family area, a master bath (with jacuzzi), and a walk in closet. Yes, most people would not have any complains to the aforementioned renovations. In fact, I think almost everyone would embrace the remodel with open arms. It's true that at first, I was excited about the construction. But one's excitement over home renovation is much like one's excitement in a relationship. There is a honeymoon period, and it passes... fast.

It also didn't help that my father, an architect, also considers himself a contractor. So after the real contractors built the frame and installed the roof and the siding, my father decided he would finish the house himself. 2007 will mark The House's four year anniversary as a work-in-progress. When there was the slightest imperfection in the way the real contractors installed a window, my father would redo it. He actually is that anal about The House, which is why I consider it my arch enemy.

We used to be good friends. I think most nemeses were friends at one point. Look at Superman and Lex, the Professor and Magneto, uhh, Rocky and Breanna on Laguna Beach. My point is, I never expected The House I lived in to become my arch enemy. It just sort of happened.

The House's attacks

The renovations created a severe allergy condition to dust and mold. I think it may be trying to kill me through dust particles.
As the wicked witch uses her little monkeys as spies and helpers, the house employs Craftsman tools from Sears to discreetly murder me. I fear, that at night, the sharp blades of the Compound Miter Saw will unhinge and roll across my neck.
The house has even set up traps for me, which could easily appear as accidents in any police report. Take for example, the lack of a staircase railing. One false move, and I would be tumbling down the newly varnished wood floors.
Because the cabinets have not been installed in the kitchen, we have no kitchen sink and have to use the laundry room sink to wash dishes (even though there's a perfectly new dishwasher sitting in a box in the garage!). The laundry room is in the spider infested basement. I have a case of arachnaphobia.
The house is trying to get me fired from my job. Until my room is completed, my dresser/drawers will remain in the basement. And the extra time to walk up/down the stairs to pick out an outfit is causing chronic lateness.

These are just a few of The House's transgressions against me. And I have yet to develop a solid superpower to protect myself from its attacks. I feel as though, I almost stand powerless against The House, because its kryptonite comes in so many shades of green. For the time being, time will stand as my shield, my defense. The more time passes, the closer The House will be to its completed state.

Like most nemeses, I believe that The House just wants some sort of closure or victory from past transgressions against him. Perhaps, its completion will satisfy him enough to end the rivalry between us, so that I can redecorate my newly furnished room in peace. Maybe it's just angry for being torn down and for being left unfinished. Until then, I'm cautious of the stairs. Unfortunately, I can't keep the Miter Saw out, as all our doors have circular holes waiting for door knobs. I guess you win some, and you lose some.

Read about everyone else's nemeses at Sunday Scribblings.

Labels: Writing Prompts

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Pests and "good" break-up 101

H is starting to pester my life. Actually, he's not starting, he's already a full-fledged pest. I can't do anything about it, because for some reason, I tolerate, even seek out his presence. When we broke up, I lost more than a boyfriend, I lost my best friend. I guess I've just been missing him lately. This moment is a crucial time in the break-up: when you reminisce about all the good times and the fact that he's an asshole totally slips your mind. I have to remain strong and let the slight H nostalgia pass, otherwise I'll be haunted forever. I've fallen in already, forgotten just how nasty he can be to me a countless number of times since our break in February. FEBRUARY! I know. It's actually been THAT long, and yet, here I am continuing to write about him, about us, or better yet, the dissolved us.

It's a universal given that break-ups are never easy. But there are always those rare occurences where people break up "mutually" and become best friends for life after the fact. The funny thing is, everyone claims that a "good" break up exists, but I don't think I've met a single person who's actually experienced this phenomenon. I mean, what actually defines a "good" break up anyway? Let's list a few viable options:

Your dishes are all fully intact.
You have a meal, together, right after your break. The very fact that you two are able to eat in front of one another after you've severed the ties is most likely the sign of a blooming friendship. Either that, or the appetizer was just too good to pass up.
Crying and hugging. Condition: Must come from both of you, not just the extremely sensitive and emotional person in the relationship. Also, this event cannot follow any outburst of rage, whether it be physical or verbal, i.e. getting slapped followed by an "I'm sorry" hug is not exactly a good thing.
You car is not scratched.
Presents. I hope someday, this will be standard etiquette for the break-up procedure. What better way to cheer you up than to crinkle some wrapping paper?
The person initiating the break-up made it publicly known how much of an asshole he really is. Why is this good? So that everyone thinks you're better off without him.
It's followed by a double date with some new hottie. Nothing like a double with the ex to show off, I mean, reveal how you are so over him.
Good break-up sex. Actually, hot break-up sex.
You set him up with one of your best friends. Note: This cannot involve any mastermind attempt in trying to break his heart. Truth of the matter is, your friend's heart will mostly likely be the victim. Guys really are that evil, no matter how cute their smiles.
He continues to pay for everything when you meet up, to the point where you're confused as to whether you are his girlfriend again.

Now that I think about it, some of these things don't sound too "good" at all. Except well, maybe the sex.

Believing in the existence of a "good" break up must be like believing in that million dollar thing. You haven't exactly seen it, but you know it still exists, right? It's all about hope and faith. However, doesn't it make you wonder why the rich don't need hope and faith? So what exactly then, makes us wealthy enough to deserve "good" break-ups?

...
...
...

Yeah I couldn't think of anything either. I was going to list things like honesty, compassion, love, communication and all that corny relationship jargon, but honestly, the break-up is a blind harbinger of dissolution. You can do everything right in a relationship. You can be the perfect person. You can even bake an awesome Oreo Cheesecake. Yet none of these qualities will give you immunity to the break-up.

It's a fact of life, like death, like birth, and Black Friday sales. Great deals, but you have to face huge crowds and long lines. There's a good and a bad to it all.

I blame my parents for my inability to function properly after my H breakup. I never had a pet, so I never learned how to process death, which is symbolically what a break-up is.

In the meantime, I'll just have to tolerate the pest until I finally get over him, or buy a pet so I can finally learn about loss. Whichever comes first.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Past due haikus

_____
Friends and Companions
Dew Tears

True friends catch tears,
as leaves catch morning drops of dew,
from vein to mid rib.

_____
Share the Story (Haibun)
The Cheater

Whistling blue kettle
in the cold of your kitchen
silences my hands

And burns the azure
of your eyes, when you see that
he is my new love.

So we sip tea in
chipped cups, and pretend that
the room does not steam.

_____
The Unseen
Barren

Where is woman in-
side a body, of lost eggs,
longing for a child?

_____
Mystery (Yugen)
Shed Love

Our love sheds its skin,
as snakes slide out of layers
old, to be reborn.

_____
Simple Pleasures
Seed Lashes

The comb of your long
lashes on my fingertips.
A seed lick'd by breeze.

_____
Countryside
Plain waves

Antique red barn floats
on green swatches of flat plain.
Boat buoys on blue wave.

_____
Sweet Serenity
How to read

Flip each page
as if it sniff pink cherry
blossoms at first bloom.

_____
Windows and Doorways
Your door, my portal

Your door, my portal
to the in-between of love:
hardwood, cherry-scent.

Before you open
Knock on the echo
of your locked door, before you
turn the key to love.

***
Past due haiku prompts from One Deep Breath. I decided to catch up on writing these, because I hate feeling those gaps. They hurt like tooth cavities, especially when the air is cold.

Labels: Poetry, Writing Prompts

Monday, November 20, 2006

Going Black and The Color Purple

I've ditched mass for the second consecutive weekend, in order to go gallavanting in New York City with friends. I hope God is not too angry. To make up for it, I've replaced the missed trips to communion (holy body and blood = bread and wine) with Nila wafers and Amaretto Sours. While not entirely the same, my heart and spirit were in it, therefore I assume I am scott-free.

Last Sunday was Hannah's Birthday celebration. The Prestige, Toys R Us, Indian food, crazy rain, along with crazier friends made it a day to remember. This past Sunday was Tamara's turn. And not to put down the fabulous time I had with Hannah, but honestly, nothing really beats Front-Row Orchestra seats to The Color Purple, except the delicious sushi that followed the performance.

I love the RUSH.

I cried after the first musical number, overwhelmed by my proximity to the stage (an arm's reach away!) and the soul-infusing music. The Color Purple, in my opinion, an opninion which is based on absolutely nothing except pure ear to brain judgement, has one of the best scores I've ever heard. Well, next to The Little Mermaid, The Sound of Music, and RENT. I mean, I think good music and good lyrics should be a given for every Broadway musical, but challenge me on that because I'm a naive little theatre-goer. The characters were so well developed: from the three gossiping women who provided the comical outlet for the audience, to the strong, bold, and awe-inspiring Sofia, and ofcourse, to Celie, the heroine you cried for and loved from the moment the curtain parted.

I read The Color Purple way back in high school, after watching the movie. One of the reasons I applied to/attended Sarah Lawrence was because I knew Alice Walker wrote the novel as a first-year student there. Part of me wanted to follow those footsteps. It's still a dream in the making, but after seeing the show on Broadway, I'm more motivated and inspired than ever to write, write, write.

I think I cried mostly because the words spoken/sang really reverberated. I'm trying to get out of the ego-filled habit in which I apply everything I read and see to my minute life, but honestly, Celie's search for strength and love reflected my own inner search for strength after parting with H in February. At least I was wearing waterproof mascara. What luck!

Lines that set off the waterworks:

Any man who hurts you aint worth a dime!

But you hush my mouth and still me
With a song I've never heard
I guess that means that you are just
Too beautiful for words

What about trust?
What about tenderness?
I want you to be
A story for me
That I can believe in forever

And the whole song: I'm Here

And if you're not sold on the notion that I really loved The Color Purple, I'm watching it again this weekend with my mom. -=o)

This was the line for ticketholders prior to the show.

And is it just me, or does that girl look midget-sized compared to the Eiffel Tower height lady in the black coat?

I haven't been brought to tears like this in a while. I must admit that I was quite embarassed for being all red-faced and teary-eyed at the end of the show when all the actors took their bows. I'm sure they were all questioning why that little Asian chick on the front row was crying, when the play ended on such an uplifting note. I think they'd be happy to know that I cried because I was moved to tears, by the story, by the music, by the words, by their performances! Oh and by all the sexy male performers, which is why I'm undoubtedly going black! And you know what they say about that.

Unfortunately, I think my crying was the reason why I failed to make eye contact with all the black hotties on stage. On Saturday, I'll work on batting those lashes. Although having my mom sitting next to me, probably won't win me flirt points. In the meantime I'd just like to direct this note to all sexy black men out there: Umm, I have quite a fatty. LOL.

Dinner at Japanese East was the cherry for the night. Mel had recommended some awesome restaurants, but they've never been to JE, so I thought I'd play it safe and go to a place from which I'd already tasted the excellent Philadelphia rolls. Happy Birthday to Tamara, my wonderful college roomie who is also the best friend I made in college! Broadway outing again with her in January to see either RENT or Avenue Q.

My entree, Shrimp Tempura, Before and After

Gosh. I love life. I'm so grateful to be here. And if you knew me as a high school drama queen depressive, you wouldn't expect those words to come out of my mouth. But there they are, rolling off my tongue, carefree as wind in air.

There was also some hot fudge that night. Dwayne Wade was in Times Square. Well not him, but a huge huge huge photo of him, which already gives me high blood pressure. I can just imagine the heart attack I'll have when I see him in the flesh.

I'm ready for Chase alright, The Chase, that is.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Project sabotage

I don't want to believe that she's doing this because we're close and she's family, like a sister to me. But for some odd reason, I'm getting this weird vibe from her that my liking D is not cool with her. I feel like lately, she's been going out of her way to tell me about their moments together. Granted, they are closer, but it doesn't need to be rubbed all up in my face.

I don't know. And the things she's telling me about him are all directed to turning me away from him. I don't really feel the support, I guess. And she doesn't even have to support me. That's ok too. But I at least want her to be honest. I asked her beforehand if she was ok with it. And she said she was cool. But I think things have cooled down with her and her boy, so I don't know what's really going on anymore.

I just feel sad. I feel like she's trying to sabotage my feelings for D, in a passive aggressive way. And I don't really know how to take it, because I trusted her. Yeah. I feel really really sad right now.

Emotional day today. Especially while watching The Color Purple on Broadway. More on that tomorrow.

Labels: The Progression of D

Washing my mouth out with soap Part Deux

One.

"There might be a spot over there."

"Yeah but those spaces are always too small. You can never fit anything in them"

Two.

"I'm so jealous. I want him."

"If you do, you definitely won't go back."

"Sure I will. He's only half."

"Yeah. But he's hung."

Three.

"My bra broke."

"How?"

"The wire part. It's poking me."

**
Dirty talk is just a natural occurence in our conversations.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Washing my mouth out with soap

"Do you know that song? It goes like "so hard to let go" (flat and off key)

"It's So Hard" by Big Pun?"

"Ummm..."

"Is it a guy?"

"No, it's a girl. But sometimes there's a guy in the middle."

Short Pause

"Ewww."

"Ewww."

3 hours later

"It's So Hard" by Big Pun? Ewwwww.

**
Post-dialysis drives rock.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Poetry Thursday: We Lie

We Lie

In bed, we lie
on gray cotton sheets, a bed
of storm clouds. I let my back
collapse on your chest,
like falling rain on earth. And
the only splatter made is
a skipped
heart-
beat.

Our eyes, just lie
encased, entrapped. Pretend
this is void
of meaning, yet I see
a soul in purgatory
wailing in
the sky of your eyes.

We lie, in bed, in love
a stifled kiss exchanged
before putting on clothes
thrown on the floor.

I want to say, enough.
You want to say, you're done.
But the lie is in the love, and
we can't seem to let go
of the time when
birds began
to migrate south
and used to puncture
those gray clouds right up
above our bed.

So we lie in silence
and pretend again
that birds will come
back one day, although
we both know
they've gone.

This week, at Poetry Thursday, we were asked to do an excercise on lying. And well, this poem is devoted to H and the "special" relationship we share. Special, as in I still love him, but I know I'm lying to myself whenever I hope that things will change, that he will change, that in time I won't be second best to his other love: MJ. But the truth is, I'll always be second best to his high. It's really frustrating when you decide you're going to give your all to someone, but realize later on that he's already given his all to something else. It'll take some time to let go, but in the meantime, I want to be trutful to myself. It's just so hard to do that, when your brain and heart are both asking you to remain hopeful. I wonder then, if our own hearts and our own minds lie to us as well. We think we have control over our thoughts and emotions to a certain extent, that we are able to identify moments when we know something is fabricated - but what if we don't? What if ultimately... lies are inherent, or necessary for survival? Well that's the topic of another poem.

In the meantime, read everyone else's little whites at Poetry Thursday.

Labels: Poetry, Writing Prompts

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Tuesday Tidings - 14NOV

Remembering
Souflee Saturday

Raeleen, Fathima, me - enjoying brunch in the Cliffs

We've been best friends for eight years now, and I'm so so lucky that she stuck with me even in the middle of all that high school drama. I don't even know how to verbalize the fact that I'm in constant awe because of her.

I was driving down the Garden State Parkway on my way to work and I witnessed a flight of birds in the sky as they changed their course, unexpectedly but expectedly, as if I had known. I saw a flash of their underwing during the quick turn. It couldn't have been more than a second, but I saw, right away, how light their underwing feathers were compared to the rest of the upperwing. In that split moment, each bird became an individual entity to me. And I imagined them to be a deck of cards, falling in the air, flipping this way and that revealing two sides: the uniform design shared by the standard pack and the underside, the character, the side that sets you apart from the rest. Your underwing, which I suppose is your vulnerable side, but also your powerful side - because it's where your true self really resides.

Fathima, honestly, is the only person in my life who is always trying to get me stretch my arms to show off that underwing. I mean, I get a lot of support from family and friends, but the only person who's not afraid of challenging me is her. If you are ever lucky enough to have a friend like that, then hold on to that person for dear life.

And I guess I'm sad to admit that I don't really have the same kind of relationship with Raeleen. We've been friends just as long, but our falling out a few years ago has led me to become a little wary of getting too close to her again. She really is a wonderful person: loyal, honest, caring... but I guess I feel as though I don't really know her anymore. I know that it's all the more reason to get to know her again. I just need some time really, to come to that conclusion when I feel good and ready. In the meantime, she's an awesome shopping buddy. Always finds the best deals!

Hannah's Birthday

I would be exhausted if I relayed every single moment of absurdity that I experience when I am around these girls. So I put a limit to the list:
Why NYC should be afraid of us:

We carry a distinct ghetto walk that, I'm afraid, the world is not ready for yet. Especially Felecia's. Exposing commoners too early to this life changing walk could mean the end of human existence as we know it. Step. Knee bend. Step. Hat tip. "Yo baby, what's good?"
We have mastered the art of getting special treatment from Indian restaurant owners. Iggy is the master of coercing victims into giving her a bowl of soup, and Hoda can get hot tea for free with a blink of an eye. That kind of power over curry is quite dangerous. Especially when middle aged Indian men in suits say "Yes. yes. Come. Yes Yes." Hmnn, that sounds somewhat dirty.
We cannot help our superhuman strength, especially when it comes to revolving subway doors. Iggy almost got chopped into equal horizontal slices, because extreme caution was not used when utilizing this superstrength power. Beware.
The spoon is our weapon. If you, or someone you know, has ever been spoon-fed, you should take this person to the clinic, as that person has been exposed to an extremely deadly string of the "Open Wide" virus.
We can stop rainfall. Really. While this may not be threatening, the very fact that we have the power to stop rain, also implies that we can start it. So say goodbye to your dirt free new Converses.

In other words, I had an awesome time hanging out with Hannah on her birthday.

Craving
Ice cream. And strawberries, coated by warm, melted, chocolate.
D. And his smile.

Anticipating
Thanksgiving with my obnoxiously huge family. Someone's bound to break or spill something. Usually it's me.

The weekend!

Wondering
Why I always get harrassed. Sunday marked the third time that I've been harrassed by some strange guy. The first time, I got fondled on the bus. I don't even want to recall it. The second time, my ass got rubbed up by some dude in an overly packed 6 train. And this Sunday, some old guy approached me, stood not more than 2 inches away from my face, and told me he'd take care of me. He then walked away and made some inappropiate motions with his hand. I guess this is why D's little "Maybe I'm asking to get fucked around" comment really hit me hard. Because it wasn't the first time that I felt helpless. And it's really not funny.

People always wonder why it is that victims don't just fight back or run. Honestly, when you're in the moment of an attack, whether it be physical, emotional, verbal, sexual, you become paralyzed. In your head, you repeat the game plan, the things you're supposed to be doing instead of just standing there confused and helpless. But all you really can do is stand there and be confused and helpess, because you are still trying to cope with the very absurd fact that its actually happening to you.

Then after the moment, after you finally react, you guilt trip yourself into believing that it was your fault. You didn't act soon enough. You were asking for it. Maybe you were standing a certain way. Or wearing something inappropiate. Either way, the real villain never gets his share, his share being the whole entire freaking pie, of the blame! I'm rambling. The point is that now I know it was never my fault. Maybe my slow reaction time is due to the fact, that as women, we are made to think we are somehow responsible when a guy is forceful. Too bad that now I don't buy into any of that crap! Watch out. Next time I'm completely ready to knee you in the balls.

Dreading
The end of my grace period. There's nothing that will strap you down to reality like the repayment of your college loans. Oh, to be a student and carefree. "Lord, what fools these mortals be!" *Super points if you can tell me where that line is from.

Itching
To go clubbing. I need to bring sexy back. Who's down?

Labels: Weekly Tidings

Sunday, November 12, 2006

The highs and lows

It just occured to me. Well, it didn't just occur to me. The conversation I had with my best friend Fathima made it occur. I don't think I'm going to pursue D anymore. We're too different. I'm that little quiet girl in the corner of the room who likes to read, write, and paint. I enjoy the simplicity of my life and revel in its poetic moments. The flight of birds, the shine on streets after a rainfall, the sun hitting someone's cheek - these are the things that move me. I'm not much of a party girl. I mean, there's totally nothing wrong with that, and I do get a little wild every now and then, but I prefer one on one, heart to heart talks, as opposed to the wild night out. It's who I am, and I don't want to give up the best parts of myself in order to pine for this party boy.

I know that I've gone back and forth with D, but I honestly want to be smart about it this time around.

This could just be a slight wave of insecurity. Tomorrow, I might wake up and forget I even doubted my like for him.

But regardless, I'm feeling the angst tonight. I was curious and looked at his MySpace, to see if he had posted up the pictures I took of him. Well there it was, up as his default profile image, and as I began to browse through the page, I couldn't help but notice the large quantity of girls leaving him comments. Beautiful girls. Beautiful girls who probably don't consider dorkiness as a selling point. Beautiful girls who luckily lack the awkward gene. And instantly, I felt defeated. To the point of tears. To the point of ice cream. So these are the women who I was up against.

The feminist in me is cowering because of the previous comment. What am I saying? I'm not up against anyone. This isn't about other girls. This is about my own insecurities.

Sometimes, I want to be that girl for him. The wild one. The one he meets at the club. The one he hooks up with. Maybe that's asking for too much, because I also want to be the one he calls back the next day. And from what he's told me, the hook up girl and the girl you call back, are usually not the same person.

// edit - 12:27 am11.14.06

I'm being all dramatic because he hurt my feelings last night. I was telling him about my day and relaying the fact that for some reason, I'm always approached by skeevy guys. I asked, in a joking manner, if I gave off a scent labeled "fuck around with me" - and he responded with "MAYBE." Obviously, like most girls on this continent, I was offended. I do not want to be fucked around with... not by some skeevy guy at Port Authority, by Spunk man, by H, nor by him (D). I admit that I was being a little too sensitive, but I think if he had expressed that he was only joking, then I would have rolled the comment off my shoulder. But he ended it with a flat, hard, unmoved Maybe - and instantly, all my agonizing over him seemed entirely trivial. So I said "ouch... goodnight, buddy." Buddy. And he stopped being so cute. It's like the day that you figured out your aunt was the one dressed up as Santa Claus. Not only do you question the gender line, but you also have to deal with the truth and how you've been a suckered child for the past decade!

Well ofcourse the overanalysis will come into play. I'm scared of liking someone new. It's like ordering something you've never tasted before at a restaurant. Huge huge risk. You ruin your palette and meal if you order an entree that just disagrees with you. And you can't exactly be rude and have them take it back just because you don't like it. Tough luck. Swallow it. Don't be a brat! So the smart thing to do is to do some preliminary research. It's just that, it's hard to concentrate on research, when the picture makes the dish just so damn tastylicious.

After H, I've been really protective of my heart. It's rough to start something new, when you haven't finished ending something. The ironic thing is that D is the confidant who has given me some pretty good advice about how to handle H. Last night actually, he told me to stop seeing H because I'd just get attached and be unable to move on, forward. I know that's a given, but words don't become real unless spoken or written down. Because of this fear of getting my heart broken again, I speculate that I may be subconsciously trying to sabotage my attraction and my friendship to D. Trying to convince myself to stop liking him, that I'm not good enough for him (which is entirely untrue, because I totally rock!) is all a defense mechanism. I've fallen victim to my inner saboteur!

I haven't entirely convinced myself that I believe in this theory. But one thing is for sure. The more I tell myself I don't like him, the more I think of him, miss him, want him.

Screw being anyone but me for him. If my charm is my dorkiness and true heart to heart intimacy, maybe I can offer him that, even if it's just on the friendship level. And even though I honestly have real feelings for him, I've placed too much stress and pressure on myself with this secret crush thing, and it's time to end it. Maybe I'll do what I promised and hook him up with a friend of mine who he had his eye on.

This is a sacrifice. I made a mistake once with a friend. We were best buds and I fell in love with him, out of nowhere. Love like that just hits you and gives you a black eye. We're not friends anymore, in fact, we're strangers now. I don't want to lose D the same way. These past few weeks have been amazing with him around, partially because I have the hots for him, but mostly because I'm actually getting to know him. We're actually becoming real with one another and real is hard to come by these days. He's too good of a friend to shrug off as a long lost crush, so I have to sacrifice my feelings for... our friendship. Indeed, how noble of me. lol.

Oh but I still think his smile is amazing.

***

xoxoxo's to

Madd, for her kind words and support these past few weeks. You're absolutely right. I need to be me. Who else would be as cute in that huge green minivan?

Iggymonster, for this: "Your new profile pic is HOT! *ahemahem* is fool if he doesn't snatch you up in a hurry!" You're right Iggy! He is a fool. I'm a pretty sweet fish in the sea.

Labels: The Progression of D

Friday, November 10, 2006

Flirting behind the lens

Spending time with D, I have diagnosed, proves to be dangerous to my health and well being. I become, not only giddy, but exceptionally hyper in his presence - and as a result, I also turn into the lout of all time. I could possibly win the klutz award of the year and get featured on Guinness Book of World Records as the official face of loutness, if I don't die from injuries beforehand.

List of last night's brushes with death:
1) Burnt my thumb from touching the 100 watt lamp.
2) Nearly fell off the ladder, which I was using for leverage since D is so handsomely tall.
3) Bruised both knees, because I was on them for hours! Sounds so naughty, I know. But actually, there is only one chair in the little computer room and the couch is too far from the desk, so he sat on the chair while I was on my knees. What a gentleman, NOT. (I told him to take the chair. He was, after all, my guest.) Oh the things we endure for l... Gosh, I was about to say love. And it's not love. It's just like. I think.

Other than the fact that I was a complete fool in front of him last night, the photoshoot went quite well. I think he was a little afraid of my camera. I like to get close to the subjects I shoot, and I possibly breached his comfort zone. But by the end of the night, he loosened up and started flirting into my lens with his eyes. The memory of the intensity of those eyes takes my breath away. I was melting.

And my favorite shots of the night are:

Yum.

Yum²

Yum³ * This was THE shot of the evening, well for me anyway. He favored some other shot with his hat on. That smile should be illegal in most states.

My only regret? I did not crank up the flirt module.

*Note: I post these pictures because I am confident that he knows nothing of my secret e-life as a blogger.

And to make things complicated, H decided to drop by as D and I were hanging out. I had borrowed a taped copy of Nip/Tuck and Prison Break, which his roommate wanted to watch. It was a bit awkward when I stepped outside on the front lawn to give him the tape. He asked whose Scion was parked in the driveway. I wove a web of lies, but I think he knew. My brother watched through the window, laughing at me, saying I was "busted." Punk.

Busted for what? I was not doing anything wrong! But the fact that I have to clarify this in writing affirms that I feel a tinge of guilt. Why is a relationship with an ex so difficult to maintain? Duh, because that relationship should be non-existent in the first place.

Despite this drama, I'm ok. Actually, I'm more than OK! I'm floating. As a thank you, D said we will be going out for drinks. Giddyness and alcohol together will produce a combustible, yet blogworthy night. Let's just hope I don't set fire to anything.

Labels: The Progression of D

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Art and Chocolate

The Art
My darling Mel has one of her drawings up in an art gallery tonight!

Artists Space
38 Greene Street in NYC

(between Grand and Broome)

The show, which is a benefit event for Artists Space called Night of 1000 Drawings, will run from 5-10pm, admission $10.

*Again, schedule conflict! Good luck and congrats M!

The Chocolate
My favorite chocolate lover/watercolor artist blogger Carol Gillot will be showcasing some of her paintings at the NYC Chocolate Show.

I'd really really love to go, but this weekend is getting too hectic for me. Saturday, I'll finally be seeing my best friend, who I haven't seen for months because her head has been in the pages of Bio/Chem/Anatomy and all the other books they throw at you in med school! And Sunday is Hannah's birthday! Oh how I wish, weekends were three days long.

***
D and I are hanging out tomorrow night. It's been confirmed. He's quite adorable on the phone. I, on the other hand, sound way too giddy when I hear his voice. Not the good kind of giddy, the bad kind of giddy - like a group of spoiled annoying ten-year olds squealing their lungs out at the mall. And I do this thing when he calls: I pretend I don't know who's calling - even though I do as his number is programmed into my phone book. I really don't do this intentionally. I think it happens as a defense mechanism, because if I acknowledge him on the phone right away, I feel as though I might scream.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Tuesday Tidings - 06NOV

Creating

Watercolor paintings! I really want to do lots of still life studies, so I'm coming up with a list of things that I want to paint:

hydrangeas
cherries
glasses
shoes
dahlias
jewelry
liquid substances
glass bottles
pomegranate
grapes
cups and saucers
teapots

And eventually, I want to paint:

my backyard
NYC skyline
myself
my family
D, in that famous Kate Winslet Titanic pose
just kidding

Thinking

About my conversation with D the other night. A few days ago, I told him I had feelings for someone. He was quite surprised, because he thought I was still trying to get back with H. It's never a good idea to crush on your male confidant, because at that point, you will no longer be unbiased about anything this person says. Instead, every word, letter, punctuation mark will, in the grand scheme of the things your mind has decided to analyze, mean something. So the other night, I told him I was giving up on the new crush. And right after, he asked me to hang out with him this week, to take pictures of him so he can post it on his MySpace. It took a lot of willpower to hold back my laughter regarding the MySpace photoshoot when we talked.

I think he knows it's been him all along. I'm torn between being bummed that it's no longer a secret and being ecstatic because maybe this is were it will begin. My theory is that if he knew he was the "crush," then hearing that I had given up was perhaps the catalyst to his sudden interest in hanging out with me. I should just stop all of this over analyzing and revel in the fact that finally, we'll get some alone time - with a camera at hand, might I add! I know, sounds so naughty.

Dreaming

About a car. I want to buy my own! I'm tired of the minivan, although it has surprisingly gotten me asked out a few times. I mean, who can resist a cute little Asian chick driving a huge, green Nissan Quest? Honestly, if that doesn't do it for you, you must be in need of Viagra.

My top two choices are:

The Scion TC & the Honda Civic

Anticipating

Hannah's Birthday Celebration! Ice skating, dinner, and shopping with her and some of the best girls in the world! I haven't ice skated in about a decade, so I hope no one laughs at me as I slip and slide at Wollman's Rink on Sunday. At least we'll be getting some Indian food afterwards, that way we can all warm up with some chicken curry and samosa. Yum.

Jolene's return home to visit her family during Thanksgiving. I have neglected this girl and I miss her so much! And now that her little sister and my little brother are "dating," we get to be the trying, fanatical, meddlesome big sisters together!

Loving

My expensive new paintbrushes. I have a fascination with soft brushes, and often run them across my face because the sensation is just so magical. Then I remember that some of the hairs do come from dead animals, so I try limit the indulgence to once a day.

Admiring

My cousin <

February 2008
All out of love
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8	9	10	11	12	13	14
15	16	17	18	19	20	21
22	23	24	25	26	27	28
29	30

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