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Monday, January 29, 2007

H called and I faltered

This weekend, I became weak. I missed him. Something just overcame me. It was one of those overcast moments, like in the movies when clouds suddenly take over the sky. So I called him and hung up after two rings. It's kind of pathetic really, that I can't even be adult enough to let my friend know that I miss him.

He called back. My heart started racing. It's a dilemma. As much as I want to be his friend again, I am afraid that old feelings might come surging back. He called me on my fear. He said I was scared. And he's right. I am. I denied it ofcourse. I'm just not sure I'm strong enough to resist the temptation of feeling that comfort that he can give me. So I don't know what to do.

A part of me says that if I really am over him, then being around him won't bring those feelings back. But another part of me argues that it's a proven fact that being around your ex is just bad news. I've really come so far, and I don't want to take a step back. Not now. Not when I'm so close to that "I'm free I'm free" line.

He has been asking me to hang out and I've broken the plans every time. So maybe all this stress about it will amount to nothing, because I can't even bring myself to actually face him.

Life is funny. We broke up around this time last year. I think, before Vday or after Vday. I can't even remember. And I can't even remember why.

I'm hearing things. Just now I heard a high voice, a shrill whisper. A moment ago, the wind growled against the window, made the curtains dance a bit. In the distance, I can hear a storm rising. Something awakened me at 4am and since then, I haven't been able to dream.

Monday, January 15, 2007

One Deep Breath: Reflections

Wave Ripples

Dropped pebble ripples
your reflection, undulating
like a sharp heart beat.

Beats like pulse of wave,
current after current of
our memories, lost.

Ripples from skipped stones
fracture your reflection, once
clear on still water.

***
Visit One Deep Breath to read more haiku inspired by the Reflections.

Channing and The GAP

Guess who was in a GAP ad?

And so, my devotion begins.

The Philippines - through a Nikon N75

click on thumbs to view entire image

Since the summer of 2006, I have had a bag full of black and white film sitting on my desk waiting to be developed. I told myself that I would develop the film myself, because:

#1 I'd be saving money

#2 I always develop my own black and white rolls

#3 I miss the photo lab

#4 It's good practice.

But months and months have passed since the summer, and when 2007 came around - the rolls were still collecting dust. So on the first week of the new year, I decided to spend the cash to get my film developed. The 60 featured above are my favorite shots out of about 300 frames. They are far from perfect. There are some with which I'm totally in love. There are lots more with which I'm totally disappointed. And the rest, are works-in-progress, lessons, lucky shots.

As an amatuer photographer, I want more than luck. I want depth. I want quality. Beauty. I want the viewer to be in awe, to be moved. To have a visceral visual experience.

This is only the beginning. The digital SLR will bring on the revolution I've been waiting for.

P.S. I'm upset because the developing place neglected to save my reusable cartridges, even though I asked them to save it. My request was even on the invoice and the processing sticker for each roll, so I don't understand how they could have overlooked it. Now I have to buy a whole 'nother set of cartridges. Such a pain in the (_,_).

Friday, January 12, 2007

H and the Christmas present

On Wednesday night, I gave H the Christmas present. I told him that I bought it before we stopped talking, that I had no use for it, that I couldn't return it, that it didn't mean anything. But ofcourse, it does mean something. It means I'm letting go. Holding on to it would have meant that a part of H was still hanging over my head. Holding on to it would have meant that something was still preventing me from giving him a totally platonic present.

It's kind of like Izzy's drama with the $8.7 million check that Denny left for her (Grey's Anatomy). Depositing that check meant that she was beginning to let go of Denny. So giving H his present means that I'm also letting go.

I had a plan. It was going to be a drive-by drop-off. I would put the car in park, call to tell him I was outside, hand the gift to him, say "Peace!," and then fly off into the night like a bank robber. But I faltered, and we talked for a few minutes. And it was weird, because I don't see him in the same light anymore. It was like re-reading a favorite book and realizing it wasn't even that good. He's not the same person to me, because I'm not the same person.

There was talk about our friendship, or lack thereof. Honestly, I can't be friends with him right now. Too much has happened. There's too much history. I can't go back.

It's sad to think that four years are going to be erased from my life. Not literally ofcourse. I will treasure our moments, but when you decide to move someone out of your life, you are using the eraser end of the pencil. You are using the white-out. It won't be totally gone. There will certainly be an outline, a shadow.

He called me a few minutes after I left. I asked him what he wanted from me. He mumbled something I couldn't understand, or chose not to understand. So I can see, that even now, he's still playing games. If he has something to tell me, why doesn't he just tell me? I'm done with coaxing. It's like trying to pull a lie out of a child. Who has the time or energy to do that, seriously?

I don't want him to think that he's not a good person. I don't want him to think that it was never real. I don't want him to think that I'm apathetic, because I'm not. I care, which is why I think it's better that we don't talk to or see each other anymore. Maybe someday, we can become good friends again. It won't be in the near future, but I really believe people change for the better. I hope he's happy. But I kind of hope I'll be happier. It's only human.

Monday, January 08, 2007

Tuesday Tidings - 08JAN

Creating

A banner for this blog! I was supposed to do it in January, but I was just too busy with all the shopping and decorating. So the timing is right I guess. A new banner for the new year!

Watching

Heroes. I saw one episode last week, and after that I've been hooked. I'm so desperate to catch up an all the episodes I missed that I'm watching it on nbc.com, torturing my eyes with the horrible resolution and the visual lag. So far, I'm totally crushing on Mohinder Suresh. There's just something about tall, lanky Indian guys that make me smile.

Thinking

About H and how I'm going to give him his Christmas present in a totally nonchalant way. Oh, and the fact that I have to even think about how I'm supposed to make this meeting nonchalant means its totally not nonchalant. An old friend told me last night to just hand it to him, face to face, explain that the gift doesn't mean anything, and that'll be the end of it. I hope he's right.

Anticipating

Henna/Bollywood night with my fellow Thailand volunteers.

A new episode of Grey's Anatomy this Thursday.

The start of my figure drawing class!

My trip to Ghana with Fathima in June, where I'll be volunteering and putting my soon-to-be-mine Nikon D80 to good use for two whole weeks.

The purchase of my Nikon D80, just the body. I was considering getting a Canon Digital Rebel XTi, but I already have a Nikon N75 with a good lens. So it would be smarter for me to stay with the Nikon line so that I can just interchange the lenses.

The purchase of my White Scion TC... around March/April after I've saved up $4000 for a down payment.

Dreading

The Valentine's Day Season. Jorie and I agreed to a pact, that if we are without dates, we will be each other's valentine and get dressed up and go out to dinner.

Eating

A Chicken Ranch Wrap, that's falling apart as we speak.

Wishing

For something odd to happen. Things have been very quiet lately. I'm not complaining, but I'm kind of used to my life being a little crazy. I get uneasy when it's quiet like this, because if no one else is acting odd, there's more of a possibility that I'll end up being the odd character.

Longing For

A Mango shake. And the white sand beaches of Boracay. And Amir, my fire twirler. Remember him? We were gonna have fire children together and live a beautiful life on the Thai island of Phi-phi. I wonder if my Malaysian/Canadian god is still there dancing to Red Hot Chilli Peppers' By the Way.

Labels: Weekly Tidings

I miss all the Changs

The CHANG Song in Romanised Thai with English translation underneath

Chang chang chang chang chang
Elephant Elephant Elephant Elephant Elephant

Nong kheui hin chang ru bao
Have you ever seen an elephant before?

Chang man dua dto mai bao
Elephants are quite big.

Djamuk yao yao rhiagua nguang
They have a long nose called 'nguang'

Mi Khiao tai nguang rhiagua ngah
Under the long nose ('nguang') they have long teeth called 'ngah' (tusks)

Mi hu, mi dta
It's got ears, and eyes...

Hang yao
and a long tail.

**
I miss Thailand and its people and my friends from there, both Thai and non-Thai. I hope all of your are living wonderful lives. Henna / Bollywood night this semester!

Friday, January 05, 2007

I'm not on the river Styx

I still haven't given H his Christmas present. And I don't think I'm going to. I've been going back and forth about this, debating the meaning behind each possible course of action. If I give it to him, will he think I'll want him back? If I give it to him, does that mean I want him back? If I don't, then am I just being bitter? If I don't, am I just in denial of my true feelings?

I bought the thing weeks before I decided to cut him off, and I just feel like I don't know what to do with the thing anymore. I can't return it, nor would I want to. I can't give it to any one else... because well, that just feels wrong. And the right thing to do really is to just give it to the guy. But that act could bring an onslaught of self doubt. But if he doesn't know it's from me, then I guess it's ok. If he's beginning to move on too, I don't want him to relapse. Consistency is only fair.

So a few days ago, Jorie told me about a picture he had put up on his MySpace - this being the reason why I decided not to reactivate my MySpace account - drama. All she said was that it showed him hugging/dancing a girl, his friend, whom he used to have feelings for way back when he couldn't wipe his own ass. My bad, he still can't. j/k... just way back when. Anyway, I always had a feeling that he never got over her and I was scared to see the picture because I didn't want to relapse either. I didn't want this picture to ruin me, to ruin my healing process.

But tonight, in my solitude, I decided I would see it. Not knowing truly is worse than knowing. And I realized that my fear was not because I thought the picture would be true, my fear stems from my own doubt that I wasn't over him, that I wasn't past him. I thought that if I could put off facing the answer to that question, that sense of doubt, then I would be ok. I thought that by not knowing, I was helping myself move on. But I wasn't. I was only helping myself stand still, at the same exact place I already was.

So I decided to see the picture and here it is.

And I can't totally say that I'm not hurting from it. It hurts. It's painful to see some other girl in his arms. But I can say that it doesn't hurt the way I thought it would. I imagined myself in some unbearable pain. I imagined gut-wrenching agony. I imagined death. But there was no catastrophe, no earthquakes, no need for sutures. I was not sailing on the river Styx after seeing the picture. There were no tears, no broken floodgates. There was no panic attack. There was just me, in the know.

Solitude does this thing to you. It makes you all weak. It tempts you. But it does it to test you. It does it to see if you're ready. Howelse was I going to know if I was ready if I didn't try knowing? So now I'm in the know. D was right. Distance works. D's right about a lot of things. Although, he doesn't get all the credit. Fathima has been trying to tell me this for years. Unfortunately, it takes a tall cute boy for me to listen and believe. That should change. Maybe next year.

But right now, I'm still a little sad. I'm sad in an "oh well" kind of way. And you know what, that just makes me really happy, because it means that I'm healing. It makes me happy that I'm not devastated. That I'm not in an emergency room being treated for a Tylenol and Bayer overdose. That I'm not being forced to drink charcoal water. That I'm not sitting in a psych ward making an exact replica of Van Gogh on the wall with everyone tapping my shoulder condescendingly telling me "good job." Yeah, it makes me really happy that the scars are a few years old, that they're beginning to fade back into the shade of the rest of my skin. Most of all, it makes me happy that I've severed that tie, that I can really begin to make myself whole again.

I wrote this when I was 15. "I can't be half of what's a couple til I'm whole while on my own." Damn, I used to be smart. I wish I listened to myself more often. From now on, I'll try.

***
H, these are the things I didn't know how to say before. Grey's Anatomy gave me the words.

"It's not enough."

- Season 2, episode 1
It never was. I was lying to myself everytime I said we'd make it because we loved each other, because I loved you. But it wasn't enough. The things you did weren't enough. My trying wasn't enough. And most of all, you didn't try enough. And frankly, that's just not enough. I wanted more. I want more. Not from you per se, but from a relationship.

"Hating you is the most exhausting... and I don't want to do it anymore."

- Season 2, episode 3
I'll give you the Christmas present because I don't want to hate you anymore. I want to find peace from all this. I don't want it to linger for years, or smell stale, like fromunda cheese.
reader: what's fromunda cheese?
me: cheese from unda your nuts.
lol. You gave me that joke. Thanks.

"If there's an upside to freefalling... it's the chance you give your friends to
catch you"

- Season 2, episode 3
And they do and I love them for it.

"It's hard to accept the end when you're too close"

- Season 2, episode 4
But it's not impossible. Whoever said it'd be easy anyway.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

2007 Resolutions

Seven resolutions for 2007. I hope this is a lucky year.

1. Limit my spending
I've been very carefree with my wallet lately. If I actually saved my money instead of spending my checks on things that I don't really need, I'd be $5000 richer right about now. That $5000 could go into my down payment for my Scion TC. It could go into my August trip to Australia with Mel and Steph. It could go into my retirement fund. Instead that money can be found in the piles of clothing from The Gap, American Eagle, Express, shoes from Nine West, and ofcourse, MAC products. I need to cool off all this crazy spending and start to budget, especially since the grace period for my student loan is over. So to start the new year off right, I'm not making any unnecessary purchases for myself in the month of January. However, there are a few exceptions to the rule:

Exchanges for purchases made prior to January do not count.
I can still buy stuff for other people.
I'm setting aside $50 for the month as my "weak" stash, to use when there is something really good on sale.
~~Books do not count.~~ Ok fine, they count. Damn it.

2. Get to know my family
I'm making my family a priority this year. I've decided to take on the responsibility as the family "life coach." So my first task is to plan a summer camping trip for my entire family. I hope it all works out.

3. Be more patient and keep my temper in check
I think having more patience will result in less anxiety attacks. I tend to do this thing where I totally overact and freak out over a situation that eventually resolves itself on its own. And those situations are usually exacerbated by my temper, where I'm so quick to lash out. So to keep my life stress free, I'm going to be patient. Maybe then, I'll be more like Buddha and will be able to sit under a tree with my legs crossed, awaiting nirvana.

4. Prepare for my future
This year, I will seriously start studying for the GREs. If I want to get into UC Berkeley, my verbal score needs to be exceptional and I have to boost my quantitative score. I'll also have to take the English Literature subject test, so I have to formulate some kind of plan or schedule to read and review major works/periods/theories. I'm planning on taking them Fall of 07 so I can apply for the 2008 school year. And I've decided to focus my studies on 20th century to Contemporary literature, with a special emphasis in feminist theory, race theory, and asian american literature.

5. Devote more time to writing
I've been looking through my blog lately, and I noticed that most of my posts involve writing prompt responses. While I love prompts, I feel as though I need to condition and discipline myself as a writer. I need to set aside at least one to two hours a day just to write, whether it be poetry or fiction. In addition, I also want to be more consistent with my blog entries and try to update every other day. And I don't want to write nonsense either. I really want to get to know myself again, and that means I need to sit down and analyze my life, myself, through memories and through writing. I feel as though my tone and my voice on this blog can be a little more honest, raw, real. I mean, I don't want to write in a depressive way, but I do want to acknowledge my sadness, and my happiness a little more. Reflect on it. Let it linger.

6. Read at least two books a month
I have so many books waiting to be read. On Friday night, I will start Salman Rushdie's Midnight's Children. I think from now on, I'm going to schedule "reading time" into my life. I used to be such a prolific reader. When I was in elementary/middle/high school, I used to read a book a week over the summer. And if it was really good, I would read a book a day. I remember the summer before my Freshman year of college, I read Practical Magic in one day. I sat on my bed and didn't move until I got to the last page. I need that fervor for reading back in my life. I think I've associated it as a strenuous task, because as an English major, we were always required to think critically after finishing a novel. I mean, I'll probably still think critically, but it's different when you're reading a book out of personal enjoyment, than when you're reading it as part of an assignment - even if it's a good book. Now I can go back and start calling myself a bookworm again.

Some authors/books I'm looking forward to reading:

James Joyce's Ulysses
Virginia Woolf's Mrs. Dalloway (which I read for a senior seminar, but I never finished)
Ezra Pound's poetry
Zora Neale Hurston's short stories
Gabriel Garcia Marquez's short stories and his novel Love in the Time of Cholera (my favorite author after reading One Hundred Years of Solitude)
more Asian American writing

7. Love myself
I haven't done much of that lately. I think I depend on people to love me, so I've forgotten that it's also my responsibility too. As Meredith has said on Grey's Anatomy, Season Two:

"I think you can't wait for someone to fly underneath you and save your life. I think you have to save yourself."

This resolution involves a variety of tasks.

Excercise more
Eat healthier
Get enough sleep
Lose 20 pounds, which will hopefully happen because of the aforementioned
Spend more quality time with myself, not involving sulking or shopping or binge eating
Strengthening my faith, in God and in myself
Making sure that I tell myself at the end of each day that I am lucky to still be on my feet
Start believing people when they tell me I am beautiful, talented, special - there's gotta be truth in the status quo
Focus more on my strengths, than my weaknesses
Turn my weaknesses into my strengths

I'm excited. Carpe diem!

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Bittersweet holiday

You like my wrapping skills right?

The other night, I was looking through all of the pictures from Christmas and New Years - around 300+ combined. Other than the fact that my family is composed of a bunch of camera whores, I noticed that our dynamic is changing. I'm becoming more and more aware of how bittersweet our holiday parties have become. Sure there was laughter and merriment, but as I looked at those pictures, as I recall those nights, I sensed a dark cloud looming over the presents, the tree, the champagne.

Maybe it's just me, projecting my own semi-depressive state into the physical landscape, but I don't think anyone can deny the fact that Christmas and New Years is being characterized more by routine, than by joy in my family. Maybe it's because everyone's getting older now. One of my cousins just had a new baby, so birth is always a reminder of age and death. Maybe it's been the health conditions of some of my family members that's keeping everyone very subdued. Whatever the reason, I guess my one wish is for life and spirit to reenter our lives.

After the little kids performed (sang, played music, etc...), we went downstairs to the basement to play Cranium, leaving the adults to themselves upstairs. D stopped by for a little bit, so I went upstairs to welcome him in, and as I reached the top of the stairs, I was suprised by how quiet all the adults were. They were lounging around on the couch, sitting around the dining room table, totally unmoved. And for the first time ever, I was fearful of the wave of sadness that hit me. I began to feel guilty for leaving them to themselves, especially during our New Years Celebration - thinking that perhaps, we should have gotten them to play the games with us. I wanted to give everyone a hug.

Truthfully, I think it's because my family has drifted apart over the years. We see each other often, more than most families, but I don't think the relationships are as strong anymore. Us cousins are beginning to get closer, especially under the leadership of Kuya Anthony... but I wish there was something I could do to revitalize the relationships of the adults. Years ago, we all used to take camping trips together. Nothing hardcore. We'd usually rent a campsite in a complex with a shower, a swimming pool, and fishing facilities etc. It was really all about the teambuilding... building the tent, eating together, cooking together, telling stories around the fire while roasting marshmallows. We haven't done anything like that in almost ten years. And I miss those times, terribly.

I grew up two years ago. When I grew up, I realized how important my family was to me. And it's hurting me so much to see us like this. I think it's up to our generation now to foster the change. Our parents, our uncles, aunts have so many other worries... that they really need us to take the lead in strengthening the family ties. So that's one of my new year's resolutions: I'm going to really try to piece my family back together. I'll plan a summer camping trip. I'll really try to get to know my aunts, uncles, parents, brother, cousins. I don't want to ever consider my family as the people that are around just because we're all blood related. I want to consider them my friends as well.

I think posing for family photos is the one thing we all enjoy, so maybe I can organize a photoshoot, with lighting and the works. It's funny really, that the camera is one of the things that's keeping us together. We still want to hold on to our laughter through the memories captured in these photographs. I hope that laughter will not be a memory for very long, but a living and breathing in the rooms of our homes.

Just a small glimpse of our smiles.

Christmas Eve