Jorie and I have confirmed it. The more often you see your crush, the harder and deeper you fall. I've been seeing a lot of D these past few weeks and it's not a good thing. He really has this makes-the-heart-melt effect on me, and I have no idea what to do about it. Fathima keeps telling me to use my brain a little more and my heart a little less, but I can't help it if D makes me smile. It's been a while since I've felt that whole breathless phenomenon when seeing a crush. I welcome it with open arms.

The other night we had dinner at Houlihans. I was incredibly giddy. It was partially because of the Merlot, but mostly because he tried to find my heartbeat. I'd forgotten just how tender the crease in my elbow was. Well, he was touching me there, trying to find my artery, and I was holding my breath the whole entire time. It's obvious that he knows I'm into him. I think he likes making me squirm... and get jealous. I can't even believe I'm disclosing this information to the world. It sounds so juvenile that that's all the action I'm getting these days.

After dropping off Caresse at her college in New Haven yesterday, Jorie and I went to visit D at work. Straight out of nowhere, he brings up his reckless slutty night making out with some Brittish girl he met at a party. There was no small talk or conversation leading to this confession. He just spit it out, the way you would spit out something bitter or rotten on your tongue. At first, I thought, maybe he thinks being a player is a cool thing. Maybe he thinks girls are attracted to slutty, easy guys. I mean, I think most girls are attracted to bad boys. We like the danger. It's exciting... causes the spine to tingle. But that can only be taken so far. Reckless sluttiness on the other hand, is not the most endearing of qualities. But who am I to judge? He's having his fun, I guess.

Tonight, we were talking about Jorie's bday bash on the 28th, and the first thing he mentions is that as long as C____a is there, then he'll be good for the night. And that just completely confirmed the fact that I'm delusional.

Lol. What the hell was I thinking? There's nothing between us except awkward flirtatious moments. And once again, I feel super super foolish. Here I am, melting over him, squealing at the fact that he programmed my Scion stereo to read "Jake loves you," dying every time he so much as brushes up against me. Here I am falling, but all it really is is a bungee jump. I'm being suspended by his charm. By his smile. By his flirtatiousness, that I don't even realize that the jump is only a few feet down.

I'm imagining it to be like the height of a 50 story building, a wind-in-face freefall, but it's nowhere near that. It's a trick. Just like a movie. You only see what's being portrayed, but never the scope of the entire scene. Well, I want to see the entire scene. I'm tired of being blind to what's really in front of me. And what's really in front of me is this cute boy, who I'm pining over, and who absolutely has no interest in pining back.

You may ask if this is just negativity talking, but I think this is the voice of reality. The sad truth is most of reality is negative. Sometimes, I wish I could live my life in daydreams, sit on a cloud forever with happy endings at every corner. Maybe someday.

But today, I'm in this dillema where I'm starting to fall for this guy that I know will never really feel the same way about me. I know I have to snap out of the charm. It's just that I'm not exactly sure which way I should go. Should I jump? Even if it's only a hop of a jump. No bruises or scars involved, right? Or should I not even jump at all.

And it just occured to me: have I already jumped? Can I touch the ground... or is it deeper than I thought? Do I have miles to go before I really fall?

Too much drama so early on is not a good thing. It reminds me of the complications of past relatio0nships. I don't want to be in the same place with a different person, and I can't help but think to question this: is D the new H?

I hope not. Otherwise. I'll lose suspension and fall at the snap of a rope.