Isn't it funny when even though you know you did nothing wrong, you still feel as though you're at fault? Since this happened last night, I feel so helpless and violated. I don't understand what I've done to deserve this karma.

I can't help but question my actions from last night:
Was I being overtly sexual?
Was my outfit too revealing?
Did I give off some kind of signal that doing that was ok?
What's wrong with me?
Why did I let that happen?

For hours, I've gone back and forth about how I should feel and interpret last night's events. A part of me thinks that it was pretty comical... like something that would happen in a Ben Stiller movie. But another part of me thinks it's pretty sad. Tears are starting to drip slowly down my face as I write this, because I feel like I deserved being treated this way somehow since I did place myself in that situation.

Last night, two of my girlfriends and I went out to Webster Hall to dance and work off all the food we just downed after dining at Megu. We're not really club-goers, so I guess we didn't exactly know what we were in for. This was actually only my third time at an NYC club.

We got to the club and started milling around for about half an hour or so. We picked a pretty entertaining night to come: singles were being auctioned off, so we were eager to hear the drag queen's comments as she sold off men and women like antique furtniture. We weren't really there to try and meet someone, but to just dance and end the night energized and hyped up.

As we circled the dance floor, basically poking fun at others, I noticed that this really hot hot hot guy was checking me out. I'm kind of a shy person and don't respond so gracefully to attention, so I just pretended I didn't notice. In fact, I rationalized that maybe he was checking someone else out. I think I'm pretty decent, but he looked way too hot to be interested in me. So I simply didn't entertain the idea that he might be feeling me and continued to dance with my friends.

We probably went back and forth to the different rooms at Webster about five times, and each time, this guy with his piercing deep eyes, was in the same room. Finally, my friends noticed his presence, and told me that he was obviously checking me out. Ofcourse I got excited over the attention of a hot male. I broke up with H two years ago and haven't really dated anyone ever since. Seeing that someone was interested in me made me let go of a lot of my inhibitions. After doing a little dance of our eyes meeting one another's and me blushing and looking away, and him saying "hey" and "damn baby you're too much" - or something like that to me in passing, he finally came over and stood right behind me.

At the time no dancing was going on. Singles were being auctioned off and we were enjoying the profanities exiting from the drag queen's heavily lipstick lined mouth. When the music started up again (Britney's Gimme Gimme), the guy finally found the nerve to dance with me. After a few minutes, he got closer and closer and closer. Five or six songs in, we were bumping and grinding, my back facing him. My friends told me that the two of us started looking hot and heavy. I was really feeling good with him, having fun, and just moving with him and the music. At times, it felt like it was just the two of us dancing. He had his arms wrapped around me at some point, and he didn't resist when I took his hands off my body and held hands with him as we danced. I've never really danced like that with anyone, but I instantly felt comfortable with him. It wasn't alcohol speaking. I only had a Bellini during dinner. It could possibly be because I was feasting on the attention that I haven't had in two years. Regardless, I thought, ok, this may be a real connection.

So Sexy Back by Justin started playing and we were both still into it when all of a sudden he just stops and says "Oh shit" and runs away, retreating back into the darkness of the nighclub crowd. My emotions suddenly took a sharp turn. I was feeling good one moment and totally and utterly rejected the next. Why did he leave like that? What happened? Did I do something wrong?

Instead of stressing about it, I go back and dance with my friends. Another guy tries to dance with me and at this point, I'm super bummed so I ignore the guys that are trying to meet my gaze or dance with me. My friends and I dance a few more songs and decide to switch venues and check out what music is playing in the other rooms. On our way to the another room, I fix my dress and notice that something is sticky on it, right around my butt.

My mind races. Did I just have my period? Is that why he ran away? I automatically assume that it's something that I did. I run to the bathroom. And ofcourse, it's not my period. I try and rationalize, hoping that maybe, just maybe, someone spilled their drink on me. That, I can deal with. So my awesome and loyal friend does something only a true friend would do. She smells it. Yes, she smells my butt basically and deduces that the sticky substance is, in fact, what we only could imagine to be the worst possible thing.

I guess while we were bumping and grinding and getting all hot and heavy, he got a little too excited and came right behind me., right on my dress. And I was clueless and totally unaware that all this action was occuring with me, yet without me. I finally understood why he said "Oh shit" and disappeared faster than a magician's bunny.

Part of me is laughing at the whole situation. Part of me is embarassed, violated, and ashamed.

I think, had he apologized, I wouldn't be feeling so bad about myself. I understand that accidents can happen. Maybe he really couldn't control it. Maybe he had no idea himself until after the fact. But a good, decent guy would at least apologize. He wouldn't leave me totally unaware that he left me a little present on my behind.

A decent guy would say "Oh damn. I am so sorry. I honestly, truly couldn't help it. You are so hot. We were getting too hot. And I'm so embarassed coz I'm really feeling you and definitely didn't want to leave with this impression. I'll pay for dry cleaning, get you a new dress (which was brand new! first time I wore it). I am so so so mortifyingly sorry."

Now that is an apology. But ofcourse, he just ran away.

I guess most of what I'm feeling is just disappointment and anger with myself now. I really know how to pick 'em huh. Did I emit some kind of sexual energy that made him think it was ok for him to do that? Is this something that happens often at nightclubs?

I did a little google search and only found one similar instance. The difference is that in my situation, I consented to the dancing. In this situation, it's unclear as to whether or not she consented to the dancing or not. But it's labeled sexual assault. And the guy went to jail.

I spoke with a guy friend of mine, who ofcourse, after laughing about it and trying to get me to laugh about it, confirmed that men do have control over this. He said, the loser probably didn't have any action in a long time if he lost control just like that. But somehow I don't buy it. The dude was hot. Smoking. He had amazing eyes, looked good, dressed well, sounded normal. We didn't do that much talking ofcourse, but I absolutely believe in positive energy. And I trusted myself and believed that he emitted some positive vibes.

I don't really know what kind of lesson I learned from this. My best friend, who is Muslim, ofcourse would want to to conclude that I shouldn't go to nightclubs anymore. But honestly, what is wrong with going out to have a good time dancing? And I don't want this experience to be emblematic of my life as woman in her 20's. So ofcourse I'd return to a club, but I probably won't be as quick to start dancing with a guy, even if I'm into him.

I guess the only thing I can take away from this experience is a little humility. It is a pretty classic story to tell, like the "one night at band camp" line except I would say "one night, at Webster Hall..."

And it's also sort of an ego boost. After all, I'm hot enough to get a guy all excited to the point where he just lost control, and all we did was dance.