There are moments during the day when I feel utterly alone. And it's funny, that those moments happen when I'm surrounded by a swarm of people, friends, family. I'll be listening to someone telling their story, half listening, because the other half of me is in my own mind. I don't know what it is, if it's selfishness, pretentiousness.
Actually, I do know what it is: self-centeredness - that's what. When someone shares a story, I feel this need to tell mine. And it's not the writer in me, it's not that I want to be heard. There are moments for that, there are other times and other places to be heard... except that I want to be heard ALL the time. I interrupt. I butt in. I can't stop saying "I" to save my life!
That's really one thing I'm starting to discover about myself, as I'm growing into what I really am. And in truth, I am, this pretentious, overbearing, controlling, self-centered girl. And because I know that I am who I am, I also know that my loneliness is my own fault. I keep others at bay, in order that they don't see what's really under my skin, behind my eyes. But the more I treasure my solitude, the more I hunger for companionship.
Loneless can be deadly, not deadly in the sense of murder, but deadly like cancer - slow, strategic - a sniper behind the glass window, waiting to take its shot - only, we control the trigger.
I used to think I was a people person, that I loved being around others and having company. But I think I value my solitude much more. I relished the five days I had to myself last week, when my brother and parents were in Florida. I was having a party - with myself! I know it sounds all pathetic written down that way, but I honestly had a good time being on my own. I kept telling myself, I can do this, live my life on my own, without anyone around. I can make it.
Then day five came, and I felt lonely to the point of strangulation. Loneliness has a more suffocating effect than a crowded room of people wearing cheap perfume. Loneliess smells like nothing, looks like nothing, is nothing - but this pressure in your heart that closes in on you.
Why is it suffocating? When I'm in a crowded room, I feel empty. When I'm lonely, I feel crowded. Why can't my body, my mind, my heart adjust properly? Why is it about opposites and not about equilibrium? Is there even an answer? Am I ever going to just be content?
Sometimes, I feel like the suffocating effect of being alone is just your heart's way of saying that it's got lots of love to give and no one to give it to - so it triggers you to find a recipient. Trigger. So we do control the shots of our lonely sniper's hit.
I am grieving, for a lost self. I want to find this person I never knew but always knew. And I think I'd be content if I found that in myself. I always thought that someone else could complete me. A boyfriend, a husband, a lover, a friend. But I know now that I am the only one who can complete me. And this knowledge is giving my loneliness boundless freedom. It is free to roam. It enjoys solitude in my bedroom, watching the first two seasons of Dexter. It enjoys the feel of a 3000 page book in its hands. It enjoys a long drive with empty passenger seats, an iPod hooked up to Jake (i.e. my car).
Right now, loneliness is my friend. But I am afraid of that day, that fateful day when suffocation is going to be too much to bear.
The day I choke.
