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Sunday, June 22, 2008

The Y Paradox

I am staring at a blank page trying to figure out how to put him into words, or more accurately, how I'm going to put my feelings for him into words.

I never expected to feel this way. I never expected for any of this to happen. I keep wondering if I deserve more than this. It's not that he's mistreating me. I think I'm mistreating myself, by allowing myself to fall in love with someone who is beyond reach. He's the right person, and yet, he's also the wrong person. What is that? Irony? Paradox. He is both.

I weave my own web. The very fact that he's a flirt does not rid me of my duty to respect him and his girlfriend. I should not gloat from the attention he gives me. I am better than that, but I am as weak as they come. Another paradox.

On Friday night, we all went out dancing at Club CocoBongo in Elizabeth. Me, him, his sister, their cousins, and ofcourse his girlfriend. I still had to train with him for a few hours before we went out, and that time with him only aggravated my feelings for him. I don't know what was going through my mind. I was looking forward to going out with him to a club. I knew that I probably wouldn't dance with him. That was a fact. But I wanted to be part of his life outside the treadmills and the weights.

At first, I thought it wasn't going to happen. K called me and said the girls didn't want to go anymore. I had just gotten home from the gym and gotten out of the shower. 10 minutes later, she called back and told me to be ready by 11.
I rang the doorbell. My heart was beating like crazy when I heard him running down the stairs saying "I'm coming." He opened the door.

"Wow." First words out of his mouth. "You look really good."

I blushed, "Thank you."

He steps back to let me in and puts his hands on his waist. "So, this is the real me. Meet Y. You like?"

I wanted to say that I liked the Y at the gym. I wanted to say ofcourse I liked. I wanted to say a whole lot of other inappropriate things.

But all I said was that I only knew the Y I met at the gym, but that this was an improvement. I smiled and ran upstairs to join the rest of the girls. His girlfriend wasn't up there. She was most likely getting ready in his room. I was so glad that I didn't have to face her yet.

Everyone was getting ready in K's sister's room and I was sitting on the bed, practicing my Spanish with G. "Tu (umm) hair... es bonita." Y came into the room and asked me how my leg was doing. Earlier that night during training, he diagnosed me with shin splints. I started feeling the pain since Monday, but didn't say anything since I thought I was simply sore from the workout. Well, when I limped over to him, I got yelled at for not telling him sooner, because I could potentially get a fracture.

I told him I was fine, pointing my toes, explaining that I could even rock heels. Then he gave me THAT look, the half smirk, half raised eyebrows, half you're cute, half you're dumb LOOK. He got down on one knee. My heart skipped a beat. He started rolling up my jeans. I protested, "Y, what are you doing?!" I was afraid everyone could see my emotions straight away if he touched me, but he ignored my protests and started pressing down on my leg and massaging it.

This was not good. I didn't want him to stop, but I didn't want his girlfriend to walk in with him giving my leg a rubdown. Honestly, who does that? Perhaps it was an entirely innocent act for him. That's where boys are oblivious to rules of borders. That was crossing the line. We weren't at the gym. If we were, it would have been an entirely different story.

I'm pretty sure K's friend, who was sitting next to me, also thought Y's actions pretty strange and suspicious. I finally shook him off after a few minutes, and he only stopped with my promise that I would ice my leg in the car on the way to the club.

When G commented that I was losing weight, Y ofcourse took all the credit for it and called me his protege. I am so love with him.

We were finally on our way. I ended up sitting next to his girlfriend, but I stayed my sweet, friendly, charming Michelle self. The car ride was fun, UNTIL I saw Y reach back and hold his girlfriend's hand for a minute. I looked out the window. It happened twice. I felt myself closing in. I felt myself beginning to hyperventilate. What the hell was I doing? What was I thinking? How could I even think that I could handle witnessing them actually BE TOGETHER?

I vowed that this was going to be the last time. I would make it through the night. I just needed to breathe and ignore them.

We got to club. K's cousins passed around shots of aguardiente poured from 1 liter Aquafina bottles. I was ready to get wasted. After only 1 shot, I felt the alcohol surging through me. I was ready to get loose. I was in the zone. This club was exactly what I needed. It was crazy. In the middle of the dance floor, there was this bubble maker machine hanging from the ceiling... so people basically got soaked/soaped.

We started out on the outskirts of the dance floor, but everyone decided to move into the middle. I was following K, and Y was behind me followed by E, his gf. We started dancing. Our shoulders rubbed against one another. Our fingers grazed together. He was dancing closer and closer to me. I was moving further away. E got in front of him, dancing in between us. When E gave him some room on the dance floor, he would be right back next to me. This was the formula for the rest of the night.

I think I only looked at him maybe once or twice all night. I couldn't handle it, so I avoided it. I danced with a guy. But I knew exactly what I was doing. I saw him watching me. I wasn't going to allow him to ruin my night, but I knew that I was playing hard to get.

At one point, we were all in a circle, jumping up and down. E was standing next to me, so we were holding on to each other. Then Y moved her out of the way, and the two of us ended up holding hands instead. Every touch from him makes my heart beat uncontrollably. I thought I was going to pass out.

But I guess that's all I get. I don't get the whole thing. I get the small moments. The accidents. The leftovers? And I don't think I want that. But at the same time, I can't seem to get enough of it. That is the Y Paradox.

Labels: working out

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Can you gain heart weight?

We’ve only been training together for 22 days, but I am falling in love with him. My overactive imagination has already presented various scenes of us as a couple, making dinner together, with him chastising me about the glob of butter I’m about to drop into the pan, and me not giving a damn, telling him that dishes need butter the way we need one another.

I’m imagining that I’m in a relationship with him. When we train in the early morning (6am) before work, I pretend that we’re working out as a couple.

This is not good. This is not healthy. This is a form of self torture. I really am a masochist.

I keep reminding myself that he has a girlfriend. That he’s been with her since November. But I’m human… and inherently selfish. So I continue to pretend that she doesn’t exist, that she’s not in the picture. I don’t want her presence to enter my time with him. If I recall her, then I would feel so wrong for feeling the way I feel. She existed only in the periphery, as a figment of the imagination, a ghost, intangible – until Monday.

Monday morning, I carpooled to work with his sister. It was her turn to drive, so I just relaxed in the passenger seat, wishing it were still the weekend, dreading the work waiting for me at my desk. She didn’t know about how I felt about her brother. I was afraid that it would somehow alter our friendship, so when she started talking about him in the car, beads of sweat started to form on my forehead. She told me that Y was telling her that he was really proud of me, because I was taking it really seriously, and because I ran on the treadmill for 20 min straight without taking a walking break. So that definitely put a smile on my face. I was safe. She didn’t speculate a thing.

Then she said, “You two are spending a lot of time together. What if you fall in love? You would be in my family!”

My heart stopped. I shifted my weight on the seat, and in a shaky voice, I told her “No, that’s not going to happen. He has a girlfriend.” She knew.

I didn’t know how to navigate how I felt about this. Should I have been anxious that she somehow discovered the secret I’ve been keeping for the past two weeks, or should I smile at the fact that she sounded pretty happy about me being a part of her family?

I decided I was a little bit of both, and spent the rest of the day walking around on cloud 9. I was untouchable. I was in love.

When I got to the gym that afternoon, I felt like I could run 10 miles on the treadmill, until I actually ran 2.25 miles and thought I was going to pass out. I flirted shamelessly. I laughed, batted my lashes, smiled when I saw him smile at something I said or did. This could actually be something.

But the apparition appeared. The gym was already closed. I just finished lifting weights, when she walked through the door. My heart dropped. So this was her, no longer in the periphery, materializing in front of me.

I introduced myself to her and Y introduced her as his girlfriend, leaned over to give her a kiss, and told me that they talked about me all the time.

I think I went deaf when he kissed her. Space was closing in on me. I needed to get out of there. I stayed friendly and charming, but I think my body language revealed how uncomfortable I was. He was still talking to me as I made my way to the door. That night, I had four delirious scoops of ube ice cream.

I wish I never met her. Her existence in the outskirts of my mind were working out for me. I was able to enjoy my time with him without guilt. But now, she’s real to me. The fact that he’s taken is real. The fact that I could potentially be destroying something is realer than real.

I was advised to treat this as an impossibility. It’s proving to be a difficult task. Probably because I’m not executing it whole heartedly. Maybe I’ll snap out of it.

Or maybe not. I’ve lost a little over 10 pounds since we’ve started training. But I think I’ve gained a lot of weight in my heart.

Labels: working out

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Tuesday Tidings - 10JUN

Listening to

To The Spill Canvas’ All Hail the Heartbreaker

This song is so representative of my relationship with Y. I have to listen to it at least once every time I’m at the gym. It gets me so pumped. Below, I’ve included some notes as to how the lyrics apply to my crush.

This song is so representative of my relationship with Y. I have to listen to it at least once every time I’m at the gym. It gets me so pumped. Below, I’ve included some notes as to how the lyrics apply to my crush.

I had the notion that you'd make me change my ways (getting off my lazy butt)
An the bad habits would be gone in a matter of days (overeating)
I had the feeling that you'd open up my eyes (and my heart)
To a whole new world that had since been in disguise (the gym)

But that day will most likely never come for me
And it's just my luck to end up getting stuck
To everything you are (so true)

So tonight I'll sit and pick apart your pictures
And overanalyze your words
The truth is that I've never fallen so hard (!)
It's taken everything in me
Just to forget your sweater so far (your sweats so far)

I had the notion that you'd make me forget the world
But your undecisive mind shows me that
You are "just another girl" (just another guy)
I had the feeling that those looks you gave me were real (and muscle flexes)
What if I ripped your heart apart at the seams
Maybe then you'd know how I feel

But that day will most likely never come for me
And it's just my luck to end up getting stuck
To everything you are

So tonight I'll sit and pick apart your pictures
And overanalyze your words
The truth is that I've never fallen so hard
It's taken everything in me
Just to forget your sweater so far

I can honestly say
That I never, ever, ever felt this way
Your lips, your eyelashes, your skin (your lips, your biceps, your…:X)
These are the parts of your body
That cause my comatose to begin

I can honestly say
That I never, ever, ever felt this way
Your lips, your eyelashes, your skin (your lips, your biceps, your…:X)
These are the parts of your body
That cause my comatose to begin

I will sleep another day
I don't really need to anyway
What's the point when my dreams are infected
With words you used to say
I will breathe in a moment
As long as I keep my distance
I wouldn't want to go messing anything up

So don't go worrying about me
It's not like I think about you constantly
So maybe I do, but that shouldn't affect
Your life anymore
I knew it the moment you walked into the door

So don't go worrying about me
It's not like I think about you constantly
So maybe I do, but that shouldn't affect
Your life anymore
I knew it the moment you walked into the door

I'll let you get the best of me
Because there's nothing else that I do well
I'll let you get the best of me
Because there's nothing else that I do well

I'll be the giver and you'll be the taker
I guess that's how this one's gonna go
I'll be the giver and you'll be the taker
You've got me down on my knees and I proclaim
All hail the heartbreaker

Enjoying

My workout sessions with Y. He’s really pushing me beyond my limit. I whine and complain, but in truth, I’m grateful to him and proud of myself. I love that he tells me that he sees so much potential in me. There’s definitely some flirting going on, but I really am trying to control my emotions. I even declined his offer to stretch out on Sunday. It’s too touchy feely. It’s just so hard, especially since I feel extremely comfortable around him. Last night after my cardio workout, we just hung out and talked for an hour. He was telling me he went to culinary school, but couldn’t handle the pressure. Said he would make me pasta with vodka sauce. I really enjoy his company and by the way our conversation just flowed from topic to topic, it seems like he really enjoys mine too. But I don’t know how to interpret it. In fact, I don’t think I should even try to interpret that as anything more than friend talk.

But you know what’s weird… not once has he mentioned his girlfriend to me. My friend K (his sister) mentions it all the time, which is why I’m beginning to think that she senses that I have feelings for him.

Anticipating

My trip to Aruba with C and J! I cannot cannot wait. From August 8 – 14, I will be in the middle of paradise.

Hoping

My Celtics win tonight! Game 3 against the LA Lakers. I hope that rapist Kobe Bryant gets fouled out of the game.

Craving

Ice cream. Cheese. White rice. Steak. Pork. Potatoes. Y’s nutrition plan is nuts, literally. All I can eat are nuts! But I’ve lost 5 lbs. in ten days, so it’s definitely paying off.

Labels: Weekly Tidings

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Working Out My Heart

I am falling for my trainer. In any other situation, in any other life, this would be the source of a great romance, or at least the context of a hot, summer fling. But of course in my specific circumstance, this is far from good news.

A few weeks ago, after knowledge that my friend S had a trainer to bulk himself up, I decided it was time for me to get motivated. I resolved to lose 50 lbs. in a year, an ambitious task, especially for someone like me. Food, lately, has come to the center of my life. I plan my week, my day, by what’s going to be on my plate. I figured it was time for a change. The real spark was lit after my cousin C and I decided that we would vacation in the Caribbean this summer. The best thing you can bring to the Caribbean is a hot body, so I decided to get myself a trainer.

And just my luck, my friend’s brother worked at a gym in town and agreed to train me. Our first session was last Thursday. It’s only been a week; we’ve only met a total of four times; and I already feel as though my heart is inches from the ground. I am hanging on by a thread.

He is handsome, has muscles, kind, has muscles, intelligent, has muscles, funny… did I mention he has muscles? I’m only joking… I don’t just like him for his body. In fact, I think the main reason why my heart is taking an extra beat every time we’re together, is because he genuinely wants to help. Of course, he is my trainer and getting paid to help me lose weight, but the more time we spend together, the more he’s turning into a good friend.

I feel a real connection with him, as though we met previously in a past life, or had known each other forever. I’m not sure if it’s just his personality, but I feel so comfortable with him, even though I smell like sweat every when we're together.

I wonder if I feel this way because I allowed myself to be vulnerable around him. My weight, my body, is personal to me. It is a sensitive issue, and I usually keep my insecurities about it to myself. So he’s really the first person, the first guy that I’ve opened up to about how unhappy I am with my body. And I guess it just amazed me that he didn’t judge me at all, that he is supportive, and that he applauds that I’ve resolved to do something good for myself.

He sounds like the guy in every girl’s dreams. What? Someone who actually treats you like a person, regardless of the fact that you wear a size 2 or a size 12? You may be wondering, so what’s the problem? If he’s hot, why don’t I just go for it?

This is where the family curse comes into play. I believe the women in my family are cursed with falling for impossible men, unattainable men, the perfect man who is too good to be true.

Because I know it won’t work out, I’ve listed some reasons below to help me wean my heart away from his biceps:
1) He is my trainer. Hooking up with your trainer, while it may be hot, is entirely unprofessional. But it’s still hot.
2) His sister is a very good friend of mine. If it didn’t work out, I wouldn’t want to ruin our friendship.
3) He has a girlfriend. And from what I’ve heard and from what I know, he is not the type of guy who would cheat on his girlfriend. I wouldn’t be falling for that type of guy anyway.
4) He would never go for someone like me. I know I previously wrote that he didn’t judge me, but someone as hot as he is would never go for someone as fat as me. It would throw off the balance of the world.
5) I could be imagining our connection. I mean, I am paying him, so of course he has to be nice to me.
6) He is probably turned off by how lazy I am and the all unhealthy (albeit, five star quality) food that I eat.

Ok, I think I’m going to end the list there. It’s starting to depress me.

I'm conflicted. I don't know what to do. I don't want him to stop being my trainer, but then again, I don't want to end up getting hurt.

Labels: working out

February 2008
All out of love
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