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Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Tuesday Tidings - 10JUN

Listening to

To The Spill Canvas’ All Hail the Heartbreaker

This song is so representative of my relationship with Y. I have to listen to it at least once every time I’m at the gym. It gets me so pumped. Below, I’ve included some notes as to how the lyrics apply to my crush.

This song is so representative of my relationship with Y. I have to listen to it at least once every time I’m at the gym. It gets me so pumped. Below, I’ve included some notes as to how the lyrics apply to my crush.

I had the notion that you'd make me change my ways (getting off my lazy butt)
An the bad habits would be gone in a matter of days (overeating)
I had the feeling that you'd open up my eyes (and my heart)
To a whole new world that had since been in disguise (the gym)

But that day will most likely never come for me
And it's just my luck to end up getting stuck
To everything you are (so true)

So tonight I'll sit and pick apart your pictures
And overanalyze your words
The truth is that I've never fallen so hard (!)
It's taken everything in me
Just to forget your sweater so far (your sweats so far)

I had the notion that you'd make me forget the world
But your undecisive mind shows me that
You are "just another girl" (just another guy)
I had the feeling that those looks you gave me were real (and muscle flexes)
What if I ripped your heart apart at the seams
Maybe then you'd know how I feel

But that day will most likely never come for me
And it's just my luck to end up getting stuck
To everything you are

So tonight I'll sit and pick apart your pictures
And overanalyze your words
The truth is that I've never fallen so hard
It's taken everything in me
Just to forget your sweater so far

I can honestly say
That I never, ever, ever felt this way
Your lips, your eyelashes, your skin (your lips, your biceps, your…:X)
These are the parts of your body
That cause my comatose to begin

I can honestly say
That I never, ever, ever felt this way
Your lips, your eyelashes, your skin (your lips, your biceps, your…:X)
These are the parts of your body
That cause my comatose to begin

I will sleep another day
I don't really need to anyway
What's the point when my dreams are infected
With words you used to say
I will breathe in a moment
As long as I keep my distance
I wouldn't want to go messing anything up

So don't go worrying about me
It's not like I think about you constantly
So maybe I do, but that shouldn't affect
Your life anymore
I knew it the moment you walked into the door

So don't go worrying about me
It's not like I think about you constantly
So maybe I do, but that shouldn't affect
Your life anymore
I knew it the moment you walked into the door

I'll let you get the best of me
Because there's nothing else that I do well
I'll let you get the best of me
Because there's nothing else that I do well

I'll be the giver and you'll be the taker
I guess that's how this one's gonna go
I'll be the giver and you'll be the taker
You've got me down on my knees and I proclaim
All hail the heartbreaker

Enjoying

My workout sessions with Y. He’s really pushing me beyond my limit. I whine and complain, but in truth, I’m grateful to him and proud of myself. I love that he tells me that he sees so much potential in me. There’s definitely some flirting going on, but I really am trying to control my emotions. I even declined his offer to stretch out on Sunday. It’s too touchy feely. It’s just so hard, especially since I feel extremely comfortable around him. Last night after my cardio workout, we just hung out and talked for an hour. He was telling me he went to culinary school, but couldn’t handle the pressure. Said he would make me pasta with vodka sauce. I really enjoy his company and by the way our conversation just flowed from topic to topic, it seems like he really enjoys mine too. But I don’t know how to interpret it. In fact, I don’t think I should even try to interpret that as anything more than friend talk.

But you know what’s weird… not once has he mentioned his girlfriend to me. My friend K (his sister) mentions it all the time, which is why I’m beginning to think that she senses that I have feelings for him.

Anticipating

My trip to Aruba with C and J! I cannot cannot wait. From August 8 – 14, I will be in the middle of paradise.

Hoping

My Celtics win tonight! Game 3 against the LA Lakers. I hope that rapist Kobe Bryant gets fouled out of the game.

Craving

Ice cream. Cheese. White rice. Steak. Pork. Potatoes. Y’s nutrition plan is nuts, literally. All I can eat are nuts! But I’ve lost 5 lbs. in ten days, so it’s definitely paying off.

Labels: Weekly Tidings

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Tuesday Tidings - 13MAY

Worrying

I got into a little fight with my best friend F on Saturday, and things between us are still a little shaky. Granted, I was probably the first person who overreacted, but regardless of that, I don't think the response I got from her today was warranted.

So the story begins with some Facebook pictures and a USB drive. Earlier that week, she had asked me to load some pictures onto her USB drive, because the ones she downloaded from Facebook had crappy resolution. I said I would get to it by sometime that week. When Friday comes around, I told her I’d get it done by Saturday.

The following is a list of my activities on Saturday:
1) P.S. I love you
2) America’s Next Top Model – Cycle 10 – Episode 6
3) America’s Next Top Model – Cycle 10 – Episode 7
4) America’s Next Top Model – Cycle 10 – Episode 8
5) America’s Next Top Model – Cycle 10 – Episode 9

I had a choice between the items above, and a first date with K (see section “”). So as you can see, I had a pretty eventful day. Thank goodness for S, who called and asked if I wanted to do some shopping. I’m always up for shopping, so I told him I’d be ready around 6. I wanted to invite F to go with us, so I gave her a call, and literally at the moment the connection was made, I hear a whining/screaming voice on the other end interrogating me about the pictures on the USB drive.

I was kind of taken aback. I had no idea that the world was going to end if I did not load these pictures onto the USB drive. I had no idea it was linked to catastrophe. Had I known, I would have gotten it done ASAP. So I told her "You didn’t tell me that you needed this urgently. I thought I had some time to get it done."

And avoiding the answer, she said that I promised to get it done yesterday (Friday). So ofcourse I replied that I made no such promises, that my closest promise I made was that I would try to get it done by Saturday. And the digital clock on my phone confirmed that it was, still, Saturday.

Not in the mood for such drama, I told her I couldn’t talk and had to go. I immediately set out to load the pictures onto her USB drive. I was working quickly. The world was about to end. Halfway into the project (15 minutes) she barges into my room. I am now even more pissed off. Wasn't it clear that by haphazard goodbye on the phone meant that I did not want to talk to her, much less see her?

I guess I understand her behavior somewhat. A few days earlier she was telling me that she wanted us (her friends) to tell her directly if they had a problem with her. And I told her, that I already did that anyway, if it were serious. So I that by coming to my house, she was trying to be proactive in dealing with the problem. That only works if both parties are ready. I was still annoyed, emotional. I need my space and some time. Had she given that to me, I probably would have shrugged it off. But by coming to my house, uninvited, and forcing me to talk, she only exacerbated the situation.

I didn't even look at her face or respond to anything she was saying, which angered her. She stormed out of my house saying that she didn't need the pictures anymore and that she'd work with what she already had.

It all sounds pretty juvenile after the fact. And I do admit that I did overreact, however I also see that I was not the only one at fault here. So I gave her a call today.

I asked her if she could talk. She said yes. I asked her if she was sure, since I knew she was studying. She said yes, yes. So I told her three things:
1) I didn't appreciate that she didn't respect my space. She barged right into my room, expecting that I was ready or wanted to talk, when I wanted nothing of the sort.
2) She never made her expectations clear. I didn't appreciate getting scolded for something I didn't know was an important matter. Had I known, I would've done it right away.
3) Her tone of voice and her demeanor that day really hurt me. I called her to ask her to hang out, and before I even got a chance to ask, she was down my throat about the pictures. I was actually supposed to be out on a date, but she never even asked why I was home. It was inconsiderate and it led me to think she only cares about herself.

Silence followed. I was waiting for her response. I said, well that's all I have to say. More silence. I said ok. She said ok. And the call ended.

I don't know what kind of game she's playing. We've been friends for over 10 years and she's never given me the silent treatment. She could be doing this to show me how I treated her on Saturday, which is petty. Too petty. And besides, I made it clear on Saturday I was not ready to talk. During the call, I asked her if she was able to talk - I even gave her the opportunity to say yes or no. She said yes. And to be totally unresponsive is, just, cruel. I even apologized and told her that I was sorry for overreacting, and it was met with silence. That's like, giving someone your heart, and then watching them eat it.

I wonder how this will unfold. I'm definitely NOT in a birthday mood because of this mess.

Anticipating

The Rebecca Minkoff Sample Sale. Preview night for family and friends (yes me! 'cause I'm a fellow TPF-er) is tomorrow night. There's nothing like a good dose of retail therapy to bring you to a brighter mood.

Loving

How nice the weather has been lately. The sun's warmth on my skin always brings a smile to my face.

Turning Into

An NBA fan. Go Celtics!!

My cousin has made it her mission to turn me into a "boy" or at least to learn how to speak "boy." I've watched almost every playoff game since the second round started. I get mad at the refs for making bad calls. My toes are on edge every time a field goal attempt is made. I yell "Rebound" at the t.v. The words paint, lane, and screen have totally different meanings.

However unlike her, Thursdays will always be a night for Ugly Betty and Grey's Anatomy. 50/50!

Regretting

I was supposed to go out on a date on Saturday, but that didn't work out because I'm weird.

K made plans with me to finally meet up for lunch on Saturday. I said yeah sure, give me a call. So he gave me a call a week before, and I was out having dinner with friends at the time. It was too late for me to call him back so I waited until the next day. I think I just have this weird hesitation about making the first phone call, so I ended up texting him while watching the playoffs. That was Thursday night. Our text conversation ended with "Im checking in. Gotta get up early. We talk 2morrow?" I responded "Ok. Have a good night."

I assumed that meant he would call me the next day, but he didn't call. And I felt strange calling him and asking about plans for Saturday. If he really wanted to go out, wouldn't he have called? I guess the same argument could be made in his defense against me.

So now I'm kind of regretting my timidity. I probably would have met a great guy and made a good friend. I resolve from this point forward, to be more courageous. One is only timid if she does not know what she wants. I think I know. I know I know. :)

Labels: Weekly Tidings

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Tuesday Tidings - 6MAY

Reminiscing

Last night, I was looking through my high school yearbook. I almost drowned from the wave of nostalgia. To a surfer, it would’ve been like riding a Maverick, or wiping out from one.

All the seniors were given a space to include a list of their high school activities and a little message. I wrote the following:

And I wonder …
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again …

Bonus points to the person who knows the source of those words.

It was late afternoon. Late Spring. Early Summer. I forget. We were in his car, driving down the street away from my house. We must have been going out to play pool or eat pizza. It's all irrelevant really, those details. The moment was in the car. Heading west up the street, we reached a lull, a valley in the road. It was early twilight. In its extremity, I imagined only seeing gray pavement on the windshiled, as if we were running into a wall. But like all illusions, the scene broke, and we hit a stop sign.

He looked right, always a cautious driver, flashing a sweet and innocent smile. No teeth. I called it a secret grin. Controlled joy. Secret joy. A toothy grin would have taken away from the serenity of the moment. A toothless smile gave away just enough charm for the smile to be memorable.

So he smiled. And I smiled back and looked forward. And the wall of pavement was gone. I remember a soft wash of pink and light orange on the sky and wispy clouds, behind a sillhouette of trees and houses. The warm yet breezy afternoon air filled the car with this magical tension one only feels when the moment is visceral.

In front of us, the sun was setting slowly. And I heard the words "And I wonder, when I sing along with you / If everything could ever feel this real forever / If anything could ever be this good again …" syncing up with this short moment in time, with the car crossing the stop sign in the middle of our quiet suburb.

It was a moment so mundane, yet so beautiful and perfect that it was beyond magical. It's one of those pages you tear from a magazine to store as a keepsake for the sheer fact that you were left captivated.

I chose those words to be my message in the yearbook because of the moment I shared with A, the simple happiness of being friends with him that afternoon. That's what high school was. That's what it will always be. A captivating moment.

I think what I miss about high school the most is the simplicity and purity in our happiness, in our friendships, in our lives. I am able to say that right now, at this moment in time, I have happiness in my life, but that happiness will honestly never compare to what I had in high school. It was a different life then, a life I would truthfully, if give the chance, want to relive.

Don't others share this same yearning for the past, or a past that represented itself as utopian? But the truth of the matter is, my high school experience was far from utopian. So why do I yearn for that moment in time?

Perhaps it is because I have this fear that I will never find that kind of happiness in the future. I do feel as though I have left it behind, and it scares me to think that it will never find me again. Or do I have to be the one searching.

Wishing

J could come out and play. But her one year house arrest is a small sacrifice to pay in exchange for the rest of her life.

Learning

My superficial and materialistic tendencies have been quite visible lately, that I think my colleagues at work may have a negative impression of my impulsive spending. I'm slowly learning that "things" cannot buy me happiness, well, long term happiness at least, unless the "thing" is considered a "classic" and will last forever. What was my point? Oh yes, learning to be less materialistic.

Anticipating

Summer and all of its energy. I plan to take advantage of my weekends. Drive off into the sunset with my iPod on overnight trips. Get lost in the forests. Tan to a golden hue. I am going to love myself again this summer, enjoy my youth, scratch that, enjoy my life. Maybe while I'm finding myself, I may also find a summer romance. Only a beach bonfire will tell.

Obsessing

Dexter. I am prepared to subscribe to Showtime, in order to watch Season Three in the Fall. This show has totally skewed my understanding of good and evil, of murder, of vigilantiism, of the sublime. Dexter is a serial killer, redefined as a local superhero, as his victims are "bad" people, i.e. murderers themselves. A part of me would honestly be supportive of such a figure, if he did in fact exist in this world. I wonder if that makes me evil.

Labels: Weekly Tidings

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Tuesday Tidings - 22APR

Enjoying
Dane Cook. Laughter truly is the best medicine. A smile, a giggle can heal a wound better than any band aid can. I even shrugged off the fact that a white Mazda or BMW slightly cuffed my right side mirror on the highway today. My friend was trying to divert my attention to the fact that a car just hit mine, but I didn't want to miss the punch line. No damage done to my baby Jake, thank goodness!

Worrying
About nothing at the moment. It's an oddly wonderful feeling, like water on the beach creeping up to your toes just enough to give you a smile on your face, before it recedes back into the ocean.

Craving
A Colombian empenada from Rico Pan Bakery in Queens, enough so that I might take a little drive over there on Saturday. I don't care what anyone else says. Our stomachs control our lives.

Missing
My family. My parents tailgated my brother on his High School Band trip to Disney, so I've had the house to myself since Friday. It's getting a bit too lonely for my tastes. I'm used to a lot of people around me, that the solitude gets quite depressing sometimes. That, and I've just had about enough of take out. I miss the home cooking.

Infatuated
With someone who's probably not good for me. Why do I always fall for the wrong ones? I think it's some kind of curse. There must have been something I did in the past to deserve such karma.

Labels: Weekly Tidings

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Tuesday Tidings - 15APR

Reading

Beowulf. I'm already behind schedule for my GRE prep reading. It's time to play catch up tonight!

Anticipating

A weekend of solitude. My brother is going down to Florida with the BHS Band to perform at Disney, and my parents have decided to tailgate. So I have the house all to myself for about five days! I've been looking forward to this breathing room since January and can't believe it's only a few days away. First thing on the agenda? - Rock Band party!

Eating

A banana and this amazing Peach Papaya Mango juice.

Wishing

It was a little easier.

Longing For

Some peace.

Labels: Weekly Tidings

Monday, January 08, 2007

Tuesday Tidings - 08JAN

Creating

A banner for this blog! I was supposed to do it in January, but I was just too busy with all the shopping and decorating. So the timing is right I guess. A new banner for the new year!

Watching

Heroes. I saw one episode last week, and after that I've been hooked. I'm so desperate to catch up an all the episodes I missed that I'm watching it on nbc.com, torturing my eyes with the horrible resolution and the visual lag. So far, I'm totally crushing on Mohinder Suresh. There's just something about tall, lanky Indian guys that make me smile.

Thinking

About H and how I'm going to give him his Christmas present in a totally nonchalant way. Oh, and the fact that I have to even think about how I'm supposed to make this meeting nonchalant means its totally not nonchalant. An old friend told me last night to just hand it to him, face to face, explain that the gift doesn't mean anything, and that'll be the end of it. I hope he's right.

Anticipating

Henna/Bollywood night with my fellow Thailand volunteers.

A new episode of Grey's Anatomy this Thursday.

The start of my figure drawing class!

My trip to Ghana with Fathima in June, where I'll be volunteering and putting my soon-to-be-mine Nikon D80 to good use for two whole weeks.

The purchase of my Nikon D80, just the body. I was considering getting a Canon Digital Rebel XTi, but I already have a Nikon N75 with a good lens. So it would be smarter for me to stay with the Nikon line so that I can just interchange the lenses.

The purchase of my White Scion TC... around March/April after I've saved up $4000 for a down payment.

Dreading

The Valentine's Day Season. Jorie and I agreed to a pact, that if we are without dates, we will be each other's valentine and get dressed up and go out to dinner.

Eating

A Chicken Ranch Wrap, that's falling apart as we speak.

Wishing

For something odd to happen. Things have been very quiet lately. I'm not complaining, but I'm kind of used to my life being a little crazy. I get uneasy when it's quiet like this, because if no one else is acting odd, there's more of a possibility that I'll end up being the odd character.

Longing For

A Mango shake. And the white sand beaches of Boracay. And Amir, my fire twirler. Remember him? We were gonna have fire children together and live a beautiful life on the Thai island of Phi-phi. I wonder if my Malaysian/Canadian god is still there dancing to Red Hot Chilli Peppers' By the Way.

Labels: Weekly Tidings

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Tuesday Tidings - 19DEC

Anticipating
Christmas! Especially the eating part. But not looking forward to getting grilled by my aunts about the boyfriend status, or in my case the-lack-of-boyfriend status. Tita (aunt) Baby, who is basically the matron queen of our family in America, has been really meddlesome lately. I guess she misses being a daily part of our lives. She and her husband just moved from their seaside home in Rhode Island to an apartment in Queens, so we're seeing a lot of her now. I miss those Labor Day weekend barbecues by the beach already.

Craving
An amaretto sour. Seriously. Something tells me that I'm going to end up being the family bartender for Christmas. Damn those margaritas I made during Thanksgiving. Now everyone's going to want cocktails! But it's all good, 'coz family members, i.e. Tito (Uncle) Jhun, are quite generous in drunken states.

"Can I have a $100?"

"Suuuure! Pass me that Corona."

"Ok. -=o)"

J/k. But my uncle is actually very very giving. He keeps a stash of singles under the couch for the little kids to grab when they come to visit. I know you're all jealous.

A Rutgers Fat Cat, which I ocassionally had for lunch before my art history and english lit classes.

Missing
College. I wish I didn't graduate yet.

D. Haven't chilled with him for quite some time.

Thailand and all the friends I made there. Hopefully in January, I'll get to see the girls. Tanvi and I are planning a Bollywood/Henna reunion night! There's supposedly a popular new hottie, Hrithik Roshan. Well, not new, he's been in the biz for a while. I just haven't known because I haven't been keeping up with my Bollywood obsession.

So yummy. Oh my... those eyes are dangerous.

Eating
Half a grapefruit. Preparing for the Holiday 5.

Dreading
The post-Christmas bills. I have the tendency to overspend during the holidays, which is not good especially when I'm trying to pay off my undergrad loans and also trying to save up for grad school and the move out to Cali. I think my New Year's resolution will be to spend less and save more.

Labels: Weekly Tidings

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Tuesday Tidings - 12DEC

Creating
A beautiful new banner for this blog. Thanks to Blogger Beta for forcing me to redesign. I actually switched over because I wanted to use the labels feature, but since I don't use blogspot, I have to manually link the labels on my sidebar. Phooey.

Craving
Philadelphia rolls. I've been sushi hungry these past few weeks.

Eating
A delicious Turkey, bacon, and avocado panini.

Not Anticipating
The completion of my Christmas shopping. So far, I've bought my mom's present, H's present (and I don't even know if I'll give it to him since I cut him off), my cousin's present, and little gifts for my coworkers. Which leaves: Dad, little brother, Secret Santa, Fathima, Raeleen, Mel, and Tamara... and maybe D, maybe.

I always love getting thoughtful presents from people. For example, one of my best friend's gave me an engraved bookmark from Tiffany's to congratulate me for passing my Praxis exams. Such a perfect gift for me, because well I'm going to be an English teacher and am in the middle of books all the time. I wish I had the same kind of talent.

When the weather was still above 60 degrees, I made little mind notes regarding what perfect present I can give to so and so. Mind notes apparently have a high mortality rate, because I can no longer recall any perfect present ideas for anyone. And now, two weeks before all the gift-giving, I am stumped, and will probably end up buying something generic and dumb for lack of better options.

I don't know why I'm giving myself so much stress about Christmas shopping. I guess it's because I've bought into the idea that objects can define a person. And to get the wrong object for someone, would mean that you do not know the person at all. Why can't everyone just have wishlists on Froogle or Amazon. It would make my life so much easier.

Thinking
About my self-worth. I think I'm used to guys treating me badly, because H was mean to me for some time. I have to break the cycle before I get pulled into another destructive relationship. So no more flings. I'm worth more than that. It's funny. I don't even want a boyfriend now because I fear that it'll end on the same page as it ended with H. But I miss the idea of having a boyfriend: hugs, feeling like home, chicken soup when sick, and the xxx. Lol. Mr. Right will come along one day. I'm not worried. Yet.

D and I had this very conversation the other night. He said I should start worrying, since I was a few months older than him, which apparently makes me a senior citizen in his eyes. I told him I'd start worrying when I turned 30... but joked that I thought I would end up marrying my books anyway. And he asked if he could be the best man. The best man. Gosh. Just too cute for words, this D is. Hmnn, I don't know why I'm writing in Yoda-ish syntax right now. Excuse it. Pass soon, It shall.

Wishing
The day were over, so I can go home and watch Devil Wears Prada again.

Promising
To keep my temper in check. I've been snapping at my mom lately, for the stupidest things too. That needs to change, otherwise Santa will put me in his naughty list. Yes, I still believe in Saint Nick.

Labels: Weekly Tidings

Monday, December 04, 2006

Tuesday Tidings - 05DEC

Creating
Some pretty banners/images for Neilochka's Holiday Concert!

Writing
Poetry. It's keeping my sane at the moment.

Missing
The 60 degree December weather from last week.

Craving
Pad Thai.

Anticipating
My office's holiday party on Friday night. It's going to be at the Hilton, so even though the invitation states "business attire," I kind of want to get a little glammed up.

Not anticipating
Hitting the malls to shop. I think I might just do some of my Christmas shopping on the internet, because I seriously get claustrophobic in huge mall crowds.

Realizing
That I am stronger than I thought. I hung out with H last night and only had platonic feelings for him. So I'm happy to say that I am starting to move on. I didn't ever think this would happen because he was my first, and because I thought he would be my only. The tattoo on the back of my neck, which says "Sunrise" is finally being true to its word. Sunrises do follow darkness.

Worrying
About nothing! It's the holidays. Joy to the World!

Labels: Weekly Tidings

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Thursday Tidings - 30NOV

... this usually airs on Tuesday, but after my complaint that work was boring, my boss piled up a month's load of projects on my desk.

Creating
A MySpace account. A few months ago, I deactivated my account due to the fact that I NEVER speak to 90% of the people with whom I'm so-called "friends." I wanted to simplify my life, unclutter it, and limit my interaction to my real and true friends. And those real and true friends consist of the ones I actually see in the real physical world, not through the comment history e-world on my MySpace page. So I said goodbye to my account, and now I'm starting to regret it for various reasons:

When D posted up the pictures I took of him, a mass army of beautiful girls commented on these photos. And since I did not have a MySpace account, I could not gloat and make it known that I was the chick behind the camera, that I was the creator of the sexy D photos that they were all hot for. Bummer.
I can't spy on my brother's behavior, more importantly, my brother's behavior with his girlfriend. Like the good, semi-conservative big sister that I am, I want to make sure that things are kept G-rated.
I want to express my annoyance and enlighten the pre-adolescent girls who blatantly objectify themselves, by forwarding them a Spivak essay on Third World Feminism. I'm such a lit snob.
I don't have a place to showcase my self-portrait addiction. The world is missing out!
I'm getting a little bored of FaceBook.
I'm in the mood to validate my coolness factor with the number of friends and comments I have. (I'm actually not serious. I think. lol)

I'm fickle, so I'll most likely deactivate this new account in a week. Although, I will miss poking extreme fun at the pre-adolescent girls who think they are hot stuff.

Watercolor paintings. I promise to post scans this weekend. Working on a pomegranate still life. I love rotting fruit.

Eating
Fruit. Not rotten. Some grapes, banana slices, and cubes of watermelon and pineapples.

Drinking
Columbian coffee, to wake up since I've been getting only five hours of beauty sleep lately.

Anticipating
the weekend festivities, as follows:

Friday
Late dinner/snack with Jorie and Caresse, my lovely cousins.

Saturday
Shopping with Fathima's friend Shiraz. Coach! Saks! then Rockefeller to see the tree!
Meeting up with Padmini.
Maybe meeting up with this dude for lunch... but it's not definite, and the explanation of this dude character requires a longer post.

Sunday
Family photo shoot for our Christmas card.
Mass - First Sunday of Advent!
Mahjongg / Grey's Anatomy Season One marathon.

Longing
For a sappy girl's night filled with chick flicks, nail polish, beauty procedures, and the like. It's been a while since I've shared moments like this with my friends, moments where we just kick back, relax, dish, and get pampered. I think we're in a restaurant rut, because it seems like all we ever do is go out to eat.

Thinking
About H. We've really drifted over the past few weeks, and I was surprised when he called last night and asked to see me. We didn't see each other. (Yes, you are welcome to applaud my strength.) I think it's better off this way right now. I don't want to be in this purgatory-ish state with him. I want to either be with him, or not be with him. I'm done with the waiting. I want to move on.

Regretting
My new Victoria's Secret Angels credit card and my Barnes and Noble Membership credit card. Sexy underthings and books will be the death of me, death through debt and bankruptcy, that is.

Labels: Weekly Tidings

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Tuesday Tidings - 14NOV

Remembering
Souflee Saturday

Raeleen, Fathima, me - enjoying brunch in the Cliffs

We've been best friends for eight years now, and I'm so so lucky that she stuck with me even in the middle of all that high school drama. I don't even know how to verbalize the fact that I'm in constant awe because of her.

I was driving down the Garden State Parkway on my way to work and I witnessed a flight of birds in the sky as they changed their course, unexpectedly but expectedly, as if I had known. I saw a flash of their underwing during the quick turn. It couldn't have been more than a second, but I saw, right away, how light their underwing feathers were compared to the rest of the upperwing. In that split moment, each bird became an individual entity to me. And I imagined them to be a deck of cards, falling in the air, flipping this way and that revealing two sides: the uniform design shared by the standard pack and the underside, the character, the side that sets you apart from the rest. Your underwing, which I suppose is your vulnerable side, but also your powerful side - because it's where your true self really resides.

Fathima, honestly, is the only person in my life who is always trying to get me stretch my arms to show off that underwing. I mean, I get a lot of support from family and friends, but the only person who's not afraid of challenging me is her. If you are ever lucky enough to have a friend like that, then hold on to that person for dear life.

And I guess I'm sad to admit that I don't really have the same kind of relationship with Raeleen. We've been friends just as long, but our falling out a few years ago has led me to become a little wary of getting too close to her again. She really is a wonderful person: loyal, honest, caring... but I guess I feel as though I don't really know her anymore. I know that it's all the more reason to get to know her again. I just need some time really, to come to that conclusion when I feel good and ready. In the meantime, she's an awesome shopping buddy. Always finds the best deals!

Hannah's Birthday

I would be exhausted if I relayed every single moment of absurdity that I experience when I am around these girls. So I put a limit to the list:
Why NYC should be afraid of us:

We carry a distinct ghetto walk that, I'm afraid, the world is not ready for yet. Especially Felecia's. Exposing commoners too early to this life changing walk could mean the end of human existence as we know it. Step. Knee bend. Step. Hat tip. "Yo baby, what's good?"
We have mastered the art of getting special treatment from Indian restaurant owners. Iggy is the master of coercing victims into giving her a bowl of soup, and Hoda can get hot tea for free with a blink of an eye. That kind of power over curry is quite dangerous. Especially when middle aged Indian men in suits say "Yes. yes. Come. Yes Yes." Hmnn, that sounds somewhat dirty.
We cannot help our superhuman strength, especially when it comes to revolving subway doors. Iggy almost got chopped into equal horizontal slices, because extreme caution was not used when utilizing this superstrength power. Beware.
The spoon is our weapon. If you, or someone you know, has ever been spoon-fed, you should take this person to the clinic, as that person has been exposed to an extremely deadly string of the "Open Wide" virus.
We can stop rainfall. Really. While this may not be threatening, the very fact that we have the power to stop rain, also implies that we can start it. So say goodbye to your dirt free new Converses.

In other words, I had an awesome time hanging out with Hannah on her birthday.

Craving
Ice cream. And strawberries, coated by warm, melted, chocolate.
D. And his smile.

Anticipating
Thanksgiving with my obnoxiously huge family. Someone's bound to break or spill something. Usually it's me.

The weekend!

Wondering
Why I always get harrassed. Sunday marked the third time that I've been harrassed by some strange guy. The first time, I got fondled on the bus. I don't even want to recall it. The second time, my ass got rubbed up by some dude in an overly packed 6 train. And this Sunday, some old guy approached me, stood not more than 2 inches away from my face, and told me he'd take care of me. He then walked away and made some inappropiate motions with his hand. I guess this is why D's little "Maybe I'm asking to get fucked around" comment really hit me hard. Because it wasn't the first time that I felt helpless. And it's really not funny.

People always wonder why it is that victims don't just fight back or run. Honestly, when you're in the moment of an attack, whether it be physical, emotional, verbal, sexual, you become paralyzed. In your head, you repeat the game plan, the things you're supposed to be doing instead of just standing there confused and helpless. But all you really can do is stand there and be confused and helpess, because you are still trying to cope with the very absurd fact that its actually happening to you.

Then after the moment, after you finally react, you guilt trip yourself into believing that it was your fault. You didn't act soon enough. You were asking for it. Maybe you were standing a certain way. Or wearing something inappropiate. Either way, the real villain never gets his share, his share being the whole entire freaking pie, of the blame! I'm rambling. The point is that now I know it was never my fault. Maybe my slow reaction time is due to the fact, that as women, we are made to think we are somehow responsible when a guy is forceful. Too bad that now I don't buy into any of that crap! Watch out. Next time I'm completely ready to knee you in the balls.

Dreading
The end of my grace period. There's nothing that will strap you down to reality like the repayment of your college loans. Oh, to be a student and carefree. "Lord, what fools these mortals be!" *Super points if you can tell me where that line is from.

Itching
To go clubbing. I need to bring sexy back. Who's down?

Labels: Weekly Tidings

Monday, November 06, 2006

Tuesday Tidings - 06NOV

Creating

Watercolor paintings! I really want to do lots of still life studies, so I'm coming up with a list of things that I want to paint:

hydrangeas
cherries
glasses
shoes
dahlias
jewelry
liquid substances
glass bottles
pomegranate
grapes
cups and saucers
teapots

And eventually, I want to paint:

my backyard
NYC skyline
myself
my family
D, in that famous Kate Winslet Titanic pose
just kidding

Thinking

About my conversation with D the other night. A few days ago, I told him I had feelings for someone. He was quite surprised, because he thought I was still trying to get back with H. It's never a good idea to crush on your male confidant, because at that point, you will no longer be unbiased about anything this person says. Instead, every word, letter, punctuation mark will, in the grand scheme of the things your mind has decided to analyze, mean something. So the other night, I told him I was giving up on the new crush. And right after, he asked me to hang out with him this week, to take pictures of him so he can post it on his MySpace. It took a lot of willpower to hold back my laughter regarding the MySpace photoshoot when we talked.

I think he knows it's been him all along. I'm torn between being bummed that it's no longer a secret and being ecstatic because maybe this is were it will begin. My theory is that if he knew he was the "crush," then hearing that I had given up was perhaps the catalyst to his sudden interest in hanging out with me. I should just stop all of this over analyzing and revel in the fact that finally, we'll get some alone time - with a camera at hand, might I add! I know, sounds so naughty.

Dreaming

About a car. I want to buy my own! I'm tired of the minivan, although it has surprisingly gotten me asked out a few times. I mean, who can resist a cute little Asian chick driving a huge, green Nissan Quest? Honestly, if that doesn't do it for you, you must be in need of Viagra.

My top two choices are:

The Scion TC & the Honda Civic

Anticipating

Hannah's Birthday Celebration! Ice skating, dinner, and shopping with her and some of the best girls in the world! I haven't ice skated in about a decade, so I hope no one laughs at me as I slip and slide at Wollman's Rink on Sunday. At least we'll be getting some Indian food afterwards, that way we can all warm up with some chicken curry and samosa. Yum.

Jolene's return home to visit her family during Thanksgiving. I have neglected this girl and I miss her so much! And now that her little sister and my little brother are "dating," we get to be the trying, fanatical, meddlesome big sisters together!

Loving

My expensive new paintbrushes. I have a fascination with soft brushes, and often run them across my face because the sensation is just so magical. Then I remember that some of the hairs do come from dead animals, so I try limit the indulgence to once a day.

Admiring

My cousin J. She was hospitalized from Thursday 'til Saturday due to stomach pain, most likely related to her kidney problems (she receives dialysis treatment) and the first thing she said when she woke up after her 20-hour morphine-induced sleep was "I'm gonna get fired from Abercrombie and Fitch." She's unbelievably strong, and it amazes me how even when she's in bed with an IV, she still thinks about her life outside of the hospital room. I stayed overnight at the hospital on Friday, so that her mom could go home and get some rest. And let me tell you, watching someone you love getting poked by needles is the most difficult thing to witness. There were so many times when I wish I could have done something to ease her pain, but I felt so helpless! Thank God, Thank you thank you God - that she was discharged on Saturday. I hope and pray that she will get a new kindey soon, so that hospitals will be a thing of the past for her.

Drinking

My second cup of Flavia Colombian coffee at work. Intensity level 4. The other day, I made the mistake of drinking Sumatra coffee, intensity level 6, and let's just say that my urine wasn't the same old light orange color. But I did get a lot of work done! Wow. That was totally inappropiate, but I think I'll leave you with that pleasant thought.

*Note: If you work in an office, I suggest investing in one of these little (albeit pricey) coffee machines from Flavia. The small one runs for $200. The price for the larger one isn't listed. They even have an even smaller one for your home for $129, and in addition to brewing coffee, tea, and hot chocolate, this home model can also make frothy drinks, cappuccinos, mochaccinos, chai lattes, and do your laundry all while preparing meals! They also come in three bubbly colors to fit your flavor! (end of my silly little advertisement)

Labels: Weekly Tidings

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Tuesday Tidings - 31OCT

© 2000 my photo archives - controlled light assignment for Mr. Bogusat's class, during junior year in high school.

Celebrating
Halloween!
I'm all partied out from Friday night's costume bash at H's, so I'm keeping it low key and helping my mom hand out the treats. I miss the good old days when Halloween costumes were actually wholesome and scary. I'm jumping on the bandwagon by saying this, but it's true that Halloween has become an excuse for many women to dress like they've stepped right out of a low budget porn flick. I mean, wherelese would you see a nurse and a cop in the same room, both dressed in stretchy spandex uniforms. Instead of this holiday as being every candy loving, teeth-rotting kid's dream, it's turned into every perv's wet dream. Let's reclaim the holiday, as well as our bodies - and keep the lingerie in the confines of the bedroom!

Anticipating
FIND 06 (Filipino Intercollegiate Networking Dialogue) this weekend at Drexel University in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania! It's my first time attending the dialogue so I can't wait to attend all the workshops and listen to the keynote speakers. Oh yeah, and to party with my fellow Filipinos ofcourse! Don't worry. I'll stay away from the magic Everclear.

My darling Hannah's birthday next Sunday! I haven't seen her for months now, and I can't wait to spend the day ice skating, eating, and shopping with my Lippincott girls! I miss you! I was born way too early... because for some reason I always connect with people who are three or so years younger than I am. That must mean that I'll always be a child at heart. -=oP

Consuming
Two slices of pizza, some garlic bread, and cinnamon sticks dipped in vanilla icing. And Pepsi, which I have not had in about three months. And ofcourse, for desert, a handful of mixed candy corn. Ok. I lied. More than a handful. I now have to add an extra hour of Pilates tomorrow to burn off all this junk food.

Watching
Dancing With the Stars to fuel my growing crush on Mario Lopez and his sexy dimples.

Singing Along To
Chris Brown's Say Goodbye
... You know this thing ain't been
a walk in the park for us....
How do you let go, when you
you just don't know, what's on
the other side of the door
when you're walking out...
There's never a right time to say goodbye...
it's not you it's me, I
gotta gotta figure out what I need..

I really just wanted to note that I love his line breaks and enjambments. I know it's an R&B song, but remember that some of the earliest forms of poetry were ballads! The lyrics speak to my situation right now, which is why it's been on replay. Which is also why my little brother is laughing at me.

and The Killers' When You Were Young
You sit there in your
heartache
Waiting on some
beautiful boy to
to save you from your
old ways...
He doesn't look a thing like Jesus, but he
talks like a gentleman
like you imagined when you
were young...

Haha, I really am sitting here in my heartache waiting for D, my beautiful boy. And no, he does not look like Jesus.

Thinking
About D, because even though his nonchalance is bumming me out, I'm still falling for him. I probably shouldn't reveal this in public, for the sake of my own integrity, but the truth is - I act like a child when it comes to relationships sometimes. I don't want to message him first, text him first, call him first, for fear that he'll think I'm too eager. And really, all this second guessing is preventing me from having an actuall relationship with him anyway. It's pointless, but I can't seem to motivate myself to stop stressing so much and just start being, God forbid, NORMAL, in front of him.

I should have bought that copy of GQ with my darling Dwayne Wade on the front cover, so I can get my mind off D.

Note: Let this post be a testiment to the fact that I am undoubtedly boy crazy. I just mentioned four different men (D, H, Mario Lopez, & Dwayne Wade) in a single post.

Labels: Weekly Tidings

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Tuesday Tidings - 24OCT

Creating
My website: Chelleart.net! I spent the entire weekend working on it and I just completed some final touches. It's finally up and running. The image is actually one of my line drawings, which I scanned and colored in Adobe Photoshop. I'm in the process of putting together a design template for the Portfolio section of the website, which will exhibit both my art and writing. I'm also working on a new design for this blog, but I like the look and feel of it right now, so it's not high on the priority list.

Reading
The Complete Stories by Flannery O'Connor. I'm reading one short story a day. I always get disappointed after finishing a great book, because I know when I open it up again, I won't be reading it as something new, unknown. So, I'm treasuring these stories, slowly making my way from one page to the next, and frankly I'm enjoying it more! It gives me more time to reflect on the piece, and while I'm anxious to move on to the next tale, I remind myself that certain literary treats are more captivating in moderation.

I just finished a story called Wildcat about a frail man who is having a difficult time accepting the condition of old age, while his community is vexed by a loose wildcat. He wants to help with the hunt, but he is reminded of his incompetence by the younger men, who tell him to stay with the women so he will be safe. I'm slightly reading it as a feminist piece, interpreting the man's shame at being associated with the women as gender bias - but the imagery surrounding the wildcat also reminds me of the harbinger of Death. The man smells this cat as though he smells Death. He fears it, and in the end, accepts it as his fate. I think I'm falling in love with Flannery O'Connor's words more and more each day.

Liz Elayne's blog archives. I always tell people that the best way to get to know me is to read what I've written. I think that should be a fairly universal approach.

Listening
The Fray's How to Save a Life over and over again. It has been my theme song since the premiere of this season's Grey's Anatomy. Like so many other things, it reminds me of the relationship H & I share. I still wish, I still think I can save his life - and this song is helping me come to terms with the things I cannot change.

Anticipating
Montclair State University's High School Band Festival. I will watch my 14 year old brother perform with the band for the first time. I reminded my parents to bring along blankets and a thermos full of hot chocolate, as the performance is held outdoors and runs for a few hours in the afternoon til late in the evening. All these years, I thought I was the only one doing any "growing up" in the house - but I seemed to have forgotten my brother. One day, he is collecting Pokemon cards, and the next, he's asking me to drive him to his crush's house to give her a hug. I wasn't a very good sister when he was young, but I've made it a priority to change that. Cool Big Sis Status, here I come! <<<- I think that little outburst just placed me in the uncool category. Oh well, it's a work in progress.

Caresse's soon-to-be employee discount at Barnes and Noble!

Trick or treating.

Seeing these movies:

Missing
Fathima. Med school has kidnapped my best friend and I desperately want her back. Her next batch of exams are in November, therefore I am taking some initiative and scheduling a Best Friend day with her after the fact. It is so odd to "schedule" an outing with this person, whose part in my life is that of a big sister. Even though her time is limited, she somehow makes just enough time for me when I'm in the middle of a crisis. You know that one person in your life that you thought you were so lucky to have found? Well for me, that person is Fathima - and I beam with pride that she is my friend. Treasure the time you spend with your best friends! You don't know if they'll be taken hostage by a labcoat and Biochem textbooks in the future!

Tamara. I could not have made a better friend in college. And to think, we began as strangers, as a pair of roommates involuntarily assigned to live together. Residence Life really knew what is was doing when they paired up the both of us. No one complements me as well as she, down to the neurotic behavior, the love of photography, and the unabashed love for pulpy paperback fiction by V.C. Andrews. I haven't seen her in weeks, but her birthday is coming up in November so I will definitely be treating her to a fun day of Broadway and crepes in NYC.

Jona. I wish her law school was not so far, far away. This girl keeps me insane, in a good way.

Summer and all its hot, lazy days.

Eating
A delicious breaded chicken and bacon wrap with a side of onion rings - soon followed by a couple of breath mints.

Drinking
A cup of Hazelnut coffee brewed by the swanky coffee machine at KPMG.

Thinking
I should call Melissa and Raeleen before they think I've crossed them out of my life. I think another reunion with those people called my friends (lol) is way past due. They are also missed, as are sushi.

Enjoying
Downtime in the office.

Teasing my little brother about his current love interest.

My room's progress. The closet shelves and bifold doors need to be attached, but after that I can finally move in and design my space! My dad could be a contractor after all, even though it's taking him over three years to finish the house. Pictures coming soon.

This post was inspired by Liz Elayne's Good Morning/Evening Monday posts. I am currently delving into her archives like it is a Jane Austen novel. And I think I will follow in her footsteps and make Tuesday Tidings a weekly event.

Labels: Weekly Tidings

February 2008
All out of love
Sun	Mon	Tue	Wed	Thu	Fri	Sat
1	2	3	4	5	6	7
8	9	10	11	12	13	14
15	16	17	18	19	20	21
22	23	24	25	26	27	28
29	30

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